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Dial Jokes

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone

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Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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I spent my adolescence watching porn on dial up.

Now I have a fetish for buffering.

I accidentally dialed the emergency services from my phone last night

So I set my house on fire so I didn't look stupid.

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers

I put my Grandma on speed dial..

I call that Instagram

I dialed a wrong number

It told me: "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate by 90 degrees and try again."

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

Dialed my friend at 5am to ask about the election.

He said it was too early to call.

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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Yo girl, let's do it like dial-up Internet;

real slow, with all kinds of fucked up noises.

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Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

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I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...

I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest...

...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?

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How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

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Butt dialing and booty calling

So similar. So different

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I don’t like to pickup the phone when someone butt dials me

It’s probably an asshole that’s trying to call me

An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"

Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

Did you hear about the watchmaker who invented a chronometer with 11 different dials?

He must have had a lot of time on his hands.

You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

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Every time someone butt-dials me, my wife gets really upset

Clearly she has a problem with bootie calls

A islamic dial ripoff made a new type of hand soap.

Aloe Akbar.

Dinner date

After a fancy dinner date, a young couple was walking back to their car, a beautiful Porsche Boxster. Upon arriving they realize that they have found themselves locked out as they left the keys inside the vehicle.

The man says to his date “hand me one of your hair pins, straighten it out and ...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

A scientist discovers the cure for aging

In the near future, a scientist makes the revolutionary discovery of a cure for aging. Filled with enthusiasm, he is immediately prompted to the political leaders of his country.

'This is truly amazing, Dr Smith! But before we can finally authorize the distribution of your medicine to the gen...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

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Two hunters are out deep in the woods...

All of a sudden, one of the men grabs his chest, lets out a groan, and collapses motionless to the ground.

The other hunter pulls out his mobile phone in a panic, and dials the emergency line. "We are out hunting, and I think my friend just died!"

"Calm, down," says the operator. "Firs...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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A guy checks into a hotel and he's horny,

so he figures he'll call one of the girls that advertise in phone booths. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel, finds an ad for "Erogenique," and when he gets back to his room, he calls. A woman answers and says, "Hel-loww ..."

He thinks to himself, "Man, does she sound hot."

He s...

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

Husband: “hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”

Wife: “the number you have dialed is not in service at this time”

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

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How do you know?

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

“Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an i...

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Yo mama so fat

Yo mama so fat she butt dialed me from a phone booth.

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