UPJOKE
telephonephonecellphonewirelesslandlinecontrolmodemcallpagerspeakerphonebroadbandroutercallerscrankkeypad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She didn't know where the 11 was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

I accidentally dialed the emergency services from my phone last night

So I set my house on fire so I didn't look stupid.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent my adolescence watching porn on dial up.

Now I have a fetish for buffering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long joke about dead pilots

Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….

“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”

“Yes, yes!!!”

“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Husband: “hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”

Wife: “the number you have dialed is not in service at this time”

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest...

...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?

A girl invites her boyfriend over.

Before he leaves, he texts her saying he'll be there in half an hour.

"I'll be thinking about you the whole time," she texts back.

He decides to dial her number on the way there, but she doesn't pick up.

He shrugs it off, thinking she might be busy. After a few minutes pass, he...

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

Dialed my friend at 5am to ask about the election.

He said it was too early to call.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario...

A travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario... where the farmer has the requisite three beautiful daughters. As he walks up to the farm house he looks over the fence into the pig sty and he notices that one of the pigs has a wooden back leg and is hobbling around.

When he gets ...

I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

USA is #1….

That’s its country code when dialing internationally.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] We all know that a butt dial...

...ought to be synonymous with a booty call. But when a man calls a woman, does that make it a cock ring?

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall.

He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he actually did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.
"Why not tell him it was me this time?" his wife suggested.

"I could," he said while dialing, "but that's w...

Fighting buddies

There were 3 oddly named friends, Somebody, Nobody and Oncrack. One day, an argument broke between Somebody & Nobody. The argument escalated, and a serious fight broke out. Oncrack tried to stop but couldn't succeed. Blood started dripping in the fight. OnCrack immediately thought of calling cop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo girl, let's do it like dial-up Internet;

real slow, with all kinds of fucked up noises.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who invented a chronometer with 11 different dials?

He must have had a lot of time on his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

I dialed a wrong number

It told me: "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate by 90 degrees and try again."

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t like to pickup the phone when someone butt dials me

It’s probably an asshole that’s trying to call me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number.

You pick up the wrong phone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so fat

Yo mama so fat she butt dialed me from a phone booth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...

I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time someone butt-dials me, my wife gets really upset

Clearly she has a problem with bootie calls

A islamic dial ripoff made a new type of hand soap.

Aloe Akbar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Butt dialing and booty calling

So similar. So different

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

“If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"

Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

phone call

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her “how do we get there?” The blonde replies “in a big red truck, duh.”

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

Two hunters.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The e...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

Hard to find good help nowadays

A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy checks into a hotel and he's horny,

so he figures he'll call one of the girls that advertise in phone booths. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel, finds an ad for "Erogenique," and when he gets back to his room, he calls. A woman answers and says, "Hel-loww ..."

He thinks to himself, "Man, does she sound hot."

He s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.