Where do you strike a captain on the nose?

the bridge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

NSFW Husband catches wife...

I came home early from work the other day & caught my wife in bed with my best friend!

So I did what any man would do in a situation like that. I hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper & told him, "Bad dog, very bad dog! Get down! You know you're not allowed on the bed! Very ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lio...

Anti semitism

It's a bit on the nose

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

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This is a bad one

I was once at a party. After some time I noticed that I lost my watch. I was looking for it everywhere. I finally saw it laying on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got there, I witnessed how some guy stepped on it, while harassing a girl. Filled with rage I went up to him and punched ...

Why did The White Stripes chose that name?

Because calling themselves Cocaine Lines was too on the nose.

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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.

The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”

Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”

Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

Do you know why they named it Club Penguin?

Because naming it Club Seal would've been a bit on the nose.

I like that it's said iPhone "ten" S

iPhone excess would have been a little on the nose.

A man decides to ask out the quiet girl from town...

He shows up to her home and asks her mother to call for her. The only thing to do in their small town is a carnival in town so after a long quiet drive they make it to the fair. After walking around not talking the man, frustrated, asks her, "What did you have in mind for tonight?" She responds, "we...

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

a little boy's Christmas

A little boy went to see Santa.
He was sitting on Santas lap and Santa says to the boy, "I know what you want for Christmas, you want a B O O K (Santa spells the word book, with each letter he taps the boy on the nose)
Little boy replies, "No. Thats not what I want for Christmas".
Santa s...

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Lost my watch at a party..

And then saw some guy stamping on it whilst sexually harassing a girl. I went over and punched him straight on the nose. Nobody does that to a girl, certainly not on my watch.

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Four nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

A vampire flies down out of the sky and lands on the hood of the car, hissing at them and baring his fangs.

The nun driving shrieks, "What do I do, what do I do?"

One of the other nuns says, "Turn on the windshield wiper, maybe it will knock him off!"

So the driving nun does so,...

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A rabbi walks into a Chinese bar

...and orders a beer. He chugs it, leans over the counter, and punches the bartender on the nose, saying "That was for Pearl Harbor!"

The bartender is furious. "Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese, you idiot! I'm Chinese!"

The rabbi shrugs. "Ach, Chinese, Japanese, what's the differenc...

A touching moment with Santa...

Little Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas."

And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Sa...

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