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### My wife is a sex object

Every time I ask for sex she objects.

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### I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

### Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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### My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex she objects.

Merit goes to u/Make_the_music_stop who wrote this one in the comments to another joke and made me laught reallly hard

### My friend and I have started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

### What president likes to clean heavy objects?

George Washington

they matter

A masstermind

### An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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### We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

### So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

### Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a night.

Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid low-flying objects.

### "Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

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### Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.

Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

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### A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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### As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

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### Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

### I was out shooting the other day and I thought “why do objects appear larger the closer they get?”

And then it hit me.

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### A man walks into a bar with a cat...

"Hey, we don't allow cats in here!" the bartender says.

But the man objects. "This isn't just any fucking cat," he drunkenly slurs. "This is a very special cat. I've taught him to do fucking math!"

The bartender is skeptical. "*You* personally taught *that* cat to do math?" he asks....

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### My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

### I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

### My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

### I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

### Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

### Don't treat Women as objects, they say.

Meanwhile me:

Women women = new Women();

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### My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

### I was playing a game of really deep facts with some kitchen objects.

I just finished saying my fact when I hear a knock on the door.

The dishwasher opens it, turns around and looks at me skeptically.

I say to him:"Let that sink in."

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### A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

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### As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

### If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

Irony.

### My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

### My schizophrenic friend loves to give inanimate objects names.

He named his car wheels “Matthias”

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### There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.

cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

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### Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

### I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

### Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

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### Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?