The 64+ Best Resist Jokes

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

If you're able to purchase a ton of an alloy of iron and carbon with improved strength and fracture resistance for $10...

Well, that's a steel!

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

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A beautiful woman sat next to a man on a plane. After some small talk, the woman admitted that she was getting treatment for sex addiction. "I am doing great, my only remaining issue is I can't resist cowboys and Italian men. By the way, I never caught your name."

"My name is Big Tex Marconi, great to meet you."

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

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My grandfather told me how, during WW2 when my nation was under Nazi occupation, he was part of the underground resistance, managing to bring down several German aircraft, and killing many of the pilots.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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My cousin had sex with his sister. He tried to resist

But she incested

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

If I can't resist eating sourdough bread, but it gives me incredible indigestion....

Does that make me a sourdough-masochist?

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

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Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

I am like air resistance

Everyone neglects me

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

Whats Tom Hanks Without Resistance?

Tanks

I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones....

Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

Guys, I think the Monks are forming a Resistance..

They just keep saying "Ohmmm.. Ohmmm..."

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

My wife bought a slash resistant purse.

I didn't realize the guitarist from Guns & Roses was causing that much trouble, but I'm glad science is solving the issue.

When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant...

I was shocked!!

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

Why is Ben 10 so resistant?

He always wears the Ohmnitrix

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

Don't understand why people offer up so much resistance?

You're not the ohmly one

If electricity is always directing itself to the least resistant, where would it go?

The French

Why'd the air resistance committed suicide?

Because he's always being neglected

Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating...

"My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a condom."

"Because she was on the pill."

"Ambien."

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

What do you call a flock of crows who are resisting the urge to sin?

*A tempted murder*

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

"Would you like to partake in resistance training?"

"No."

"That's what I like to hear."

Which religion faces the most Resistance? Hinduism...

Om......

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

I was gifted a resistor by an old monk

So far, I haven't been able to use it in any circuits due to it's abnormally high resistance. Too mamy ohms.

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

What do you call it when a French person goes to the gym?

ResistOnce training

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved one...

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