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Resist Jokes

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

What did Yoda say when he resisted getting electrocuted?

Ohm, I got!

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

I am like air resistance

Everyone neglects me

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

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I couldn't resist the sexy TV remote

It was an instant turn on

Whats Tom Hanks Without Resistance?

Tanks

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones....

Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.

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Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

An Indian governor visits a Chinese governor on diplomatic business.

A wealthy Chinese governor was hosting an Indian governor at his governor's mansion, and he just couldn't resist boasting about how well he gamed the system to enrich himself. After a lavish lunch, he called the Indian governor over to his balcony window. Pointing at a magnificent bridge across the...

I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

If I can't resist eating sourdough bread, but it gives me incredible indigestion....

Does that make me a sourdough-masochist?

Guys, I think the Monks are forming a Resistance..

They just keep saying "Ohmmm.. Ohmmm..."

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

My wife bought a slash resistant purse.

I didn't realize the guitarist from Guns & Roses was causing that much trouble, but I'm glad science is solving the issue.

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

The founder of autocorrect has died.

May he resist in piece.

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant...

I was shocked!!

Why'd the air resistance committed suicide?

Because he's always being neglected

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Don't understand why people offer up so much resistance?

You're not the ohmly one

Which religion faces the most Resistance? Hinduism...

Om......

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

"Would you like to partake in resistance training?"

"No."

"That's what I like to hear."

What do you call it when a French person goes to the gym?

ResistOnce training

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating...

"My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a condom."


"Because she was on the pill."


"Ambien."

How much resistance can a Buddhist monk endure?

Ohmmmmmm............?

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My grandfather told me how, during WW2 when my nation was under Nazi occupation, he was part of the underground resistance, managing to bring down several German aircraft, and killing many of the pilots.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

Fastest thing

During an interview, the interviewer posed a question to four applicants: "What do you consider the fastest thing?"

The first applicant promptly replied, "The blink of an eye!"

The second applicant chimed in, "I'd say it's a thought."

The third applicant confidently stated, "The...

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

If electricity is always directing itself to the least resistant, where would it go?

The French

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

What do you get when you put resistance on a stove?

Ohm on the range

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

What do you call a flock of crows who are resisting the urge to sin?

*A tempted murder*

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

Just came back from Dubai where a sheikh offered me 30 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but who could resist an offer like that?

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

Why was the theoretical physicist afraid to go skydiving?

Air resistance was negligible

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

A man goes to a movie theater

Just as the movie starts, a guy with a shaved head sits right in front of him and the theater lights reflect off the bald man's head. The man behind can't watch the movie at all. He thinks to himself, "I should smack him on the back of his head," but then hesitates, thinking, "That guy is huge... he...

Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

He leaves without resistance.

My neighbor got a boat, so I had to get one, too.

I couldn't resist the pier pressure.

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved one...

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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

He sees a beautiful blonde directly in front of him, and immediately feels an irresistible magnetic attraction.

Then he glances to his left, sees a stunning redhead, and feels an electric spark.

So he shoots straight up through the ceiling.

[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.

The pos...

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