UPJOKE
relationshiprelativekinassociationcorrelationconnectionaffinityfunctioncousinsiblingcausalityfamilycoitusintercoursecopulation

What relation is a doorstep to a doormat?

A step-farther.

[Soviet] What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?

A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those...

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

I named my boat Relation. Now I can tell people...

I have a Relationship.

What is the relation between a door mat and a door step

A step-farther

Hotel bill

Jack checks out of his hotel after 3 nights, but can't believe the size of the bill. "Why so much?"
Manager: "It's not just the luxury bedroom, we also provided you with a swimming pool, gym, games room..."
Jack: "But I didn't use any of those!"
Manager: "Maybe, but you could have!"
Ja...

What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

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What is the relation between my height and penis sise?

I wish both were 3 inches longer...

I had an important essay on the relation between Occam's razor, Red Herrings and Chekhov's gun...

...my teacher wasn't happy it was late and I just wrote "Will keep this simple, avoid obvious distractions and later it will be done."

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...”

“So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

A 90 year old man gets married...

A 90 year old man gets married to a 20 year old. He goes to the doctor to make sure that he is physically fit enough for relations.

The doctor then says, "You know how young folks can get lonely without someone of their own age to talk to, why don't you get a young border to... keep her compa...

My wife doesn't understand why I prefer to play Mario Kart over having relations with her

In Mario Kart, it is a GOOD thing when I finish first

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

Three relational databases walk into a NoSql bar. They left after 5 mins....

They couldn't find a table!

I have a great relation ship with Jesus

He mows my lawn for $6 an hour

New perfume

A public relations professional walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. "What's new in your world?" the bartender asks. "We're holding a gala event to launch the newest perfume by Chanel. It's made exclusively from the purest, melted and distilled midwestern snowfall," she tells the barten...

Relation between son, father and mother

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually...

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A psychology teacher is giving a lecture at a college about how sexual frequency is over rated...

The teacher goes on to exclaim the frequency of couples have sexual relations varies from person to person. He decides to take a short poll to prove his point. He asks, "How many of you have relations each day?" One-quarter of the students raise their hand. Okay, "Now how many of you have relations ...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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