The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

What is the relation between Thanos and Trigonometry?

sin(nos) / cos(nos) = tan(nos)

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

What is the relation between a door mat and a door step

A step-farther

I named my boat Relation. Now I can tell people...

I have a Relationship.

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Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

I had an essay to do on the relation between Occam's Razor, Red Herrings and Chekhov's Gun...

...my teacher gave me an A+ even though it was only "Will keep this simple, avoid obvious distractions and later it will be done."

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What is the relation between my height and penis sise?

I wish both were 3 inches longer...

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All my past relations ended because of my small penis

But my current wife says it’s no biggie

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; ‟meh, we'll build a...

Three relational databases walk into a NoSql bar. They left after 5 mins....

They couldn't find a table!

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Harry Potter confesses something to Ron...

Harry: "I've been having relations with a teacher."
Ron: "Are you fucking serious?!"
Harry: "No, I'm fucking Snape."

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Support your answer with a proof

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

Did you hear that Anheuser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross’s public relations?

Their new slogan is “This Blood’s for You.”

RELATIONS

WHY DONT REDNECKS LIKE THE DOGGIE STYLE POSITION?
TAINT RIGHT TURNING YOUR BACK ON FAMILY

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During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.

He said that he had nun.

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A journalist decides he wants to write a book about shepherds. So, he decides to travel the world to interview different shepherds.

His first stop is somewhere in the plains of Asia and he finds a lonely sheep herder, tending his flock.

“Hi sir, I am writing a book about shepherds like yourself, all across the world. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions?”

The shepherd nods.

“Well I notice it’s just you an...

I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"

Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

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I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...”

“So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

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A man walked up to me and asked "Did you sleep with my wife"

And I thought about it and said "the term "slept" or sleep is weird, because sleep means to close your eyes and go into a not conscious state, but we have adapted the term to also be used in the context of sexual relation. I find it makes more sense to just say I did fuck your wife."

Anyway I...

Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ...

started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas.

Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem.

Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use.

Several w...

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

Thanks to the tireless work of an elder statesman, possibly one of the most dignified and smartest people in the process, we are starting to normalize relations with North Korea

Let’s all give Dennis Rodman a big hand.

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