UPJOKE
refuseturn downspurndisdainscorndeclinepooh-poohdismissrenouncedisapproveturn awaypass updenyignoreeliminate

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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Rejected porn titles. ( You can do this in the comments too. )

The grim deeper

Hole-y enlightenment

Sesame street after dark

Johnny johnny needs his sugar and milk

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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what were the three rejected names for condoms

The jizz mittens,cum kuisi,and the kidnappers

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

What do your friends say when you get rejected by your sister from Alabama?

Damn bro you got chromo-zoned.

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

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The day the penis asked for a raise.

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons: do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with ver...

Apple just came out with a new WatchOS update, but I rejected it.

Not on my watch.

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

What did the beaver say when his crush rejected him?

Dam.

Why did Gmail reject the password ‘14days’?

It was two weak!

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..

The girl: “you’re selling yourself short you know”

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

How does a doctor reject the flirtations of their feverish patient?

By telling them that they are as acute as their temperature.

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to...

celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again r...

I don't carry a donor card

I find it depressing enough the amount of women who've rejected my organ whilst I'm alive

My Cake Day joke: I finally got a girlfriend for Valentines Day!!!

Her name is Rejection.

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day

your body rejected the transplant and you died.

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Did you hear about the New Ager who rejected anesthetic when he had a cavity filled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,

I’m not sure what to make of it.

My favourite thing to do is to walk into book stores and say “Hello! I'm looking for a book titled ‘How to deal with rejection without killing’.”

“Do you have it?”

A boy asked a girl to be his girlfriend, but he got rejected because he was always too busy practicing his music.

It’s ok, some people are just meant to be soloists.

Why did the rabbit reject her boyfriend’s marriage proposal?

Because the ring wasn’t 24 carrots

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

That would have gone viral.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

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A rich Arab guy wants to marry an American woman.

He approaches her but she doesn't like him. Instead of rejecting him, she tells him that she will only marry him if he can fulfil all her demands. He agrees to do anything for her.

First, she tells him that she will only marry him if he has a big house. He takes her to one of his mansions and...

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

I used to get rejected about 50% of the time, but then I finally found the one and got married.

Now it's more like 90%

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected

Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

I wanted to donate blood, but they rejected me.

They asked if I was positive.

I said "Yes, I'm sure of it"

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

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If you've ever been rejected by someone who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex,

One might say you were chaste away.

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

why did the bee get rejected?

because he couldn't beehive.

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

My wife has rejection issues. She asked me to help by rejecting her from time to time.

I said no.

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

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What is the ultimate rejection?

When you’re having a wank and your hand falls asleep.

Why did Mr. T reject Marxism?

Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains."


*^(Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei - 1848)*

If I had $1 for every time a girl has rejected me...

I wouldn't be single anymore

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

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What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

For a man to fully understand rejection

He must first be ignored by a cat.

What do you call a Muslim organization that rejects Muhammed?

A non-prophet

I keep getting rejected.

First my parents

Then my girlfriend

And now my blood.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow...

But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.

What do you call a fashion designer that rejects everything?

Calvin Deklein.

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

Getting rejected by women? Try my new question: "If I were to ask you out, would you say no?"

Sometimes it just feels good to get a "Yes".

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

Got rejected by my dentist during a check up.

My fillings were hurt.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

I hit on an older woman on a dating site and she rejected me by saying "is your dad available?"

So i responded to her by saying "yeah, but i dont think he is into threesomes."

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

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