Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Reddit get rejected for trying to buy an island?

Because there’s already a place called “The Virgin Islands.”

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

What did the beaver say when his crush rejected him?

Dam.

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When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

Why did Gmail reject the password ‘14days’?

It was two weak!

A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..

The girl: “you’re selling yourself short you know”

I applied to join an LGBT comedy group, but I got rejected.

I guess their routine doesn't need a Straight-Man after all.

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

Did you hear about the New Ager who rejected anesthetic when he had a cavity filled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
...

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

How does a doctor reject the flirtations of their feverish patient?

By telling them that they are as acute as their temperature.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

My work colleague rejected me today.

She said we were better office friends.

A famous musician came into our store today and complained that it was too hot and asked if I could cool him down but I politely rejected him

I told him I wasn't a fan

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

That would have gone viral.

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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,

I’m not sure what to make of it.

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

Regarding r/internetexplorer's decision to go private.

In a display of unity, our subreddit has chosen to vehemently reject the staffing decision made by Reddit and will be going private. CEO Ellen Pao's decisions have negatively affected this site and we stand with the rest of Reddit in this timely matter.

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected

Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

What u call a rejected Cardi B

Discardi B

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

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If you've ever been rejected by someone who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex,

One might say you were chaste away.

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Great twist

Wife: look at that drunk guy
Husband: who is he
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: oh my god he is still celebrating...

What do menstruation and guys whining about being rejected have in common?

I don’t care about either

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

why did the bee get rejected?

because he couldn't beehive.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

My favourite thing to do is to walk into book stores and say “Hello! I'm looking for a book titled ‘How to deal with rejection without killing’.”

“Do you have it?”

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

I wanted to donate blood, but they rejected me.

They asked if I was positive.

I said "Yes, I'm sure of it"

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

I used to get rejected about 50% of the time, but then I finally found the one and got married.

Now it's more like 90%

Why did the rabbit reject her boyfriend’s marriage proposal?

Because the ring wasn’t 24 carrots

My wife has rejection issues. She asked me to help by rejecting her from time to time.

I said no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the ultimate rejection?

When your hand falls asleep while masterbating.

What do you call a Muslim organization that rejects Muhammed?

A non-prophet

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What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

What do you call a fashion designer that rejects everything?

Calvin Deklein.

There was once a world with red and blue bees.

(LONG) (but worth it)

The red and blue bees were more or less polar opposites. So there were establishments for their respective colors.
In this world there is a blue bee, and he had been keeping an eye on this beautiful red bee. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask her out, because he wa...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

For a man to fully understand rejection

He must first be ignored by a cat.

What does the devil say to hell rejects?

Why don't you fork off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

I keep getting rejected.

First my parents

Then my girlfriend

And now my blood.

If I had $1 for every time a girl has rejected me...

I wouldn't be single anymore

You know what dating and applying for jobs have in common?

You get rejected...a lot

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EAT! [OC]

One day ,a guy comes from work,his wife offers him something to eat.Buy the guy rejects her offer kindly, because he ate the same thing for lunch.The wife starts reacting like crazy and yells “GET THE FUCK OUT, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN”.After the guy leaves,he goes to his friend and starts expl...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

Two friends went for a job interview.......

The first friend goes in and the person interviewing him looks at his resume. Then he asks him a few questions and then asks "imagine you are traveling on a train and it is hot inside, what will you do?" The guy replies "I will open the window"

"Great!" says the interviewer and then asks " ...

Man i was so ugly as a kid

Even the priest rejected me

Why did Mr. T reject Marxism?

Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains."


*^(Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei - 1848)*

They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow...

But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.

Getting rejected by women? Try my new question: "If I were to ask you out, would you say no?"

Sometimes it just feels good to get a "Yes".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

rejection lines and what they really mean

what women say | what women mean
:----------------|:---------------------
you deserve better | I deserve better
it's not you, it's me | it's you
we're too alike | you bore me
we're too different | you're a creep
you just don't get me | I just don't want you
I'm not rea...

Not funny funny

A dude living in Europe is told that America grants so many business and financial possibilities. He reads on the net that the job in America is just walking down the street. The money will find him he reads.

He travels there chasing dreams, thinks he is going to thrive. Steps out of the airp...

Two men are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks

Two men, Paul and John, are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks. Unable to set it up for the incoming night until they can find a replacement, they decide they'll need to stay round someone's house who's willing to let the men in.

Paul and John go around knocking at houses and getting reje...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

Jimmy and his dad go to the beach

Jimmy has been trying to find a girlfriend but the girls rejected him

Jimmy: Dad, the girl's here don't like me what should I do?

Dad: Put a potato in youre pants that works wonders!

Jimmy comes back sad with tears in his eyes

Jimmy: Dad, I did as you told me and now the...

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

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