The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

What do you call the odd pleasure a particle physicist feels when watching a dwarf chug a beer?

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

A man walks into the particle store

A man walks into the particle store to buy particles to make atoms. He browses, finds what he needs and pays for it.

However, when looking on his receipt afterwards, he sees that the clerk forgot to ring up an item. He says "Sir, you forgot the neutrons". The clerk looks up at him and says: "...

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

What do you get when you combine two particle accelerators?

Nothing in particular.

What do you call a watchful subatomic particle that resides far from a nucleus?

A surveillance electron.

What did the particle physicist duck say?

Quark.

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

I don't believe anything that subatomic particles tell me

They make up everything.

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

Why are photons the saddest particles?

They keep hearing people say that they don't matter.

A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

Did you hear about the reclusive subatomic particle?

It was a bit quarky.

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

What do you call an unexperienced particle?

An amateuron.

Chinese physicists have discovered long, hard, negatively-charged particles.

They call them erectrons.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

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What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle?

New-tron.

Why is the Higgs Boson called "the god particle?"

Because it gives us mass

I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there.

So he waves.

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

If a physicist named Lebowski discovered a particle, what would it be called?

The "L deuterino", if he wasn't into the whole brevity thing.

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."

*groan*

I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics...

Its called new-Tron.

The playwright wanted to make a play using only particles made from 2 quarks each.

It was his meson scène.

What do you get when you cross 10 sodium particles with the Dark Knight?

Nananananananananana BATMAN!

Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare?

It just lepton.

If we could put bread in a particle collider...

We could discover new quarks and glutons.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street?

Get a broom, you two.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

The head of the Physics department needs money...

... so he goes to the University's Bursar to ask for a grant, 10 million to start work on a particle accelerator.

The bursar puts his head in his hands in exasperation.

"Every time I see you, you're after more money for the physics department! Ten million here, six million there... you...

What is Doctor Pepper’s PhD in?

Particle Fizzics.

Yo moma is so stupid....

she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

Science/nre joke

What particles in a reactor are the happiest?



Delayed neutrons.

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

Did you know that corks come from trees?

Son-"Hey dad, did you know that corks come from trees?
Dad- "No son, Quarks come from particle accelerators"

2 scientists see atoms for the first time.

Scientist 1: So everything is made up of these tiny particles?

Scientist 2: I guess so.

Scientist 1: What should we call the things they make up?

Scientist 2: Why name it? It doesn't seem that important to me.

Scientist 1: Are you sure? Cause I think it all Matters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Goldberg and the Gorilla

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. H...

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

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An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to ...

ESA to release second probe "SHIO" to 67P

The "Philae-Shio" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.

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