The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

Why are photons the saddest particles?

They keep hearing people say that they don't matter.

How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

Did you hear about the reclusive subatomic particle?

It was a bit quarky.

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

What do you call an unexperienced particle?

An amateuron.

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

Chinese physicists have discovered long, hard, negatively-charged particles.

They call them erectrons.

Scientists don’t trust subatomic particles.

They just make up everything.

What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle?

New-tron.

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

What fish is only made of two sodium particles?

2na

How fast are the particles in the Large Hadron Collider going?

Super cern-ic

A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there.

So he waves.

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare?

It just lepton.

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

What do you get when you cross 10 sodium particles with the Dark Knight?

Nananananananananana BATMAN!

If we could put bread in a particle collider...

We could discover new quarks and glutons.

What's the most political particle?

*Elect*rons

What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street?

Get a broom, you two.

I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics...

Its called new-Tron.

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

What do particle physicists like to drink?

Pina colliders.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

Yo moma is so stupid....

she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern

Science/nre joke

What particles in a reactor are the happiest?



Delayed neutrons.

2 scientists see atoms for the first time.

Scientist 1: So everything is made up of these tiny particles?

Scientist 2: I guess so.

Scientist 1: What should we call the things they make up?

Scientist 2: Why name it? It doesn't seem that important to me.

Scientist 1: Are you sure? Cause I think it all Matters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Goldberg and the Gorilla

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to ...

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

ESA to release second probe "SHIO" to 67P

The "Philae-Shio" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.