A particle physicist walked into a bar...

I can't tell you if he'll still be there in 20 mins, but I could tell you where he might be.

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What did the old man say to the sexy Covid particle?

You take my breath away.

Which subatomic particles are into BDSM?

Top and bottom quarks

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

I don't believe anything that subatomic particles tell me

They make up everything.

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

What type of particles does an IKEA emit?

Futons

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

What did the particle physicist duck say?

Quark.

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

What do you call a watchful subatomic particle that resides far from a nucleus?

A surveillance electron.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

Why are photons the saddest particles?

They keep hearing people say that they don't matter.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

Did you hear about the reclusive subatomic particle?

It was a bit quarky.

What fundamental particle is responsible for bacon?

The Piggs-Boson

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle?

New-tron.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Atomic Particles

I just lost an atomic particle. I'm positive.

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

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What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

Chinese physicists have discovered long, hard, negatively-charged particles.

They call them erectrons.

I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

Why is the Higgs Boson called "the god particle?"

Because it gives us mass

A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there.

So he waves.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

How fast are the particles in the Large Hadron Collider going?

Super cern-ic

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."

*groan*

Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare?

It just lepton.

I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics...

Its called new-Tron.

The playwright wanted to make a play using only particles made from 2 quarks each.

It was his meson scène.

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

What do you get when you cross 10 sodium particles with the Dark Knight?

Nananananananananana BATMAN!

If we could put bread in a particle collider...

We could discover new quarks and glutons.

What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street?

Get a broom, you two.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

So I’m sitting in the bus with my friend. I’ve been thinking about something for a while, so I got a bit curious

I asked him if you could smell a fart in space.

He said: “No, because in the process of diffusion, the air must carry the aroma particles around, and there is no air in space.”

Surely that couldn’t be true. There is no air getting in the way of the aroma particles, so the smell is even...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

Yo moma is so stupid....

she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

The head of the Physics department needs money...

... so he goes to the University's Bursar to ask for a grant, 10 million to start work on a particle accelerator.

The bursar puts his head in his hands in exasperation.

"Every time I see you, you're after more money for the physics department! Ten million here, six million there... you...

What is Doctor Pepper’s PhD in?

Particle Fizzics.

Science/nre joke

What particles in a reactor are the happiest?



Delayed neutrons.

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

2 scientists see atoms for the first time.

Scientist 1: So everything is made up of these tiny particles?

Scientist 2: I guess so.

Scientist 1: What should we call the things they make up?

Scientist 2: Why name it? It doesn't seem that important to me.

Scientist 1: Are you sure? Cause I think it all Matters.

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

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Visit to the zoo

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came ...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

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An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to ...

L. Ron Hubbard's brothers

These come to mind as I drive.

L. Ron Hubbard's . . .

. . . corporate swindler brother--Enron Hubbard
. . . foolish brother--Moron Hubbard
. . . oil executive brother--Chevron Hubbard
. . . political candidate brother--Electron Hubbard
. . . scientist brother--Neutron Hubba...

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