UPJOKE
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A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

“Does a photon going through two slits act like a particle or a wave?”

“Well, it depends on how you look at it…”

What do you call the particle that works at a polling station?

An electron

What did the particle physicist duck say?

Quark.

A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

What's a gamer's favourite particle?

Quark. Because it comes in RGB.

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

What do you call the odd pleasure a particle physicist feels when watching a dwarf chug a beer?

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

particle physics...

...Give me a Large Hadron

Bartender says "we don't serve particles moving faster than the speed of light"

A tachyon walks into a war

What's a ferrous particle's favorite constellation?

#Ore-ion

I think I made this joke up, but I'm sure the internet will know.

What do you call a device for opening sub-nucleonic particles?

A quarkscrew.

What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

What type of particles does an IKEA emit?

Futons

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

A particle physicist walked into a bar...

I can't tell you if he'll still be there in 20 mins, but I could tell you where he might be.

Which subatomic particles are into BDSM?

Top and bottom quarks

I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

I don't believe anything that subatomic particles tell me

They make up everything.

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

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What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?

A Large Hadron Colada.

What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle?

New-tron.

Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."

*groan*

A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there.

So he waves.

Did you hear about the reclusive subatomic particle?

It was a bit quarky.

How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

I wrote this joke just for this sub, because people wrongly complain there are never any original jokes here: What's a ferrous particle's favorite constellation?

*Ore-ion*

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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Why are dicks like quantum particles

Measuring them changes the result

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

What do you call a watchful subatomic particle that resides far from a nucleus?

A surveillance electron.

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

If we could put bread in a particle collider...

We could discover new quarks and glutons.

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

The playwright wanted to make a play using only particles made from 2 quarks each.

It was his meson scène.

Chinese physicists have discovered long, hard, negatively-charged particles.

They call them erectrons.

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare?

It just lepton.

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics...

Its called new-Tron.

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

What do you get when you cross 10 sodium particles with the Dark Knight?

Nananananananananana BATMAN!

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Yo mama so stupid

When she gives someone a piece of her mind, it's considered particle decay.

What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street?

Get a broom, you two.

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

Yo moma is so stupid....

she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Reality has always been radiating dreamweavers whose lives are opened by divinity. We are in the midst of an ancient condensing of nature that will enable us to access the infinite itself. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the biosphere via meridians.

Although you may not ...

Science/nre joke

What particles in a reactor are the happiest?



Delayed neutrons.

The head of the Physics department needs money...

... so he goes to the University's Bursar to ask for a grant, 10 million to start work on a particle accelerator.

The bursar puts his head in his hands in exasperation.

"Every time I see you, you're after more money for the physics department! Ten million here, six million there... you...

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

2 scientists see atoms for the first time.

Scientist 1: So everything is made up of these tiny particles?

Scientist 2: I guess so.

Scientist 1: What should we call the things they make up?

Scientist 2: Why name it? It doesn't seem that important to me.

Scientist 1: Are you sure? Cause I think it all Matters.

ESA to release second probe "SHIO" to 67P

The "Philae-Shio" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

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Visit to the zoo

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came ...

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An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to ...

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

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