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Uses Jokes

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guarantee Gordon Ramsay always uses protection.

He hates fucking raw.

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cartoonist from Massachusetts that only uses semen in work.

His name is Yankee Doodle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest...

...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

Which mathematical phenomenon only uses imaginary numbers?

The Fib-Bonacci Sequence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

What do you call a dog who uses magic?

A Labracadabrador

I uses to be addicted to the hokey pokey

But then I turned myself around

What is the name of the drug that Roger Federer uses in secret ?

Tennis Enlarger.

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

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