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Uses Jokes

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

UK joke - What town uses VPNs the most?

Ipswich

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

I had an eye transplant from my friends who uses neopronouns

I can Zee/Zem better now!

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

A Clean Joke

One day, an old man and his wife visited their doctor for a checkup. The doctor wanted to examine the old man first. After examining the old man, he said "I'm surprised you are in such excellent health."

The old man replied "I attribute it to my good and clean life."

"Your good and c...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

What is the name of the drug that Roger Federer uses in secret ?

Tennis Enlarger.

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?

Allicin Wonderland

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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