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Number 1 Jokes

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

Doctor Joke Number 1

Doctor what did you say i had? Aries or Pisces?

Cancer sir, you have Cancer.

What's the number 1 reason for divorce?

Marriage.

The USA is number 1

when dialing internationally.

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

...number 1 & number 2

...the two main reasons not to drink toilet water!

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul?

(I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny

You’re my number 1

My date: “You’re my number 1.”
Me: (a programmer) Are you zero indexed or one indexed?”

Me: *single*

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

All the foreigners know the USA is still number 1...

when you dial from overseas.

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If “going number 1” means “taking a pee”

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit.

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

The number 1 walks into a bar where counting is banned...

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

It's OK to go number 1 in the shower...

...unless you count like a computer programmer.

There are 70 things that will make a man happy, number 1 the alcohol...

69 the rest.

Two blondes and a bus

Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.

One asks the other:

"Which bus are you taking?"

"Number 1. And you?"

"Two."

The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:

"Look, we're going together!"

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar?

Always tip your server.

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

My friend is in advertising,lately he ask 10 women whats the worlds number 1 dandruff shampoo.10/10 answered

...HOW DID YOU GET INSIDE MY BATHROOM PERVERT!!!

What did the number 1 say to π (pi)?

Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!

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The maid asked for a raise

[Long]

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : "...

why are optimitrists slow when they go to the bathroom?

Because they keep asking
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

When Chuck Norris went to his first driving lesson

He got in the car and said “Ok. This is lesson number 1.”

Genie joke

A man finds a magic lamp and rubs it, only to have a genie appear.

The genie says: "I will grant you three wishes, but there are also 3 rules. Rule number 1: no wishing for death. Rule number 2: no wishing for love. Rule number 3: no wishing to revive the dead".

The man thinks for a se...

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes “if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I’d be happy with myself”

The second goes “if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I’d be satisfied”

The third guy goes “well I do an awesome n...

An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash.

the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out.

The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps...

70 ways to cheer a person up

Person 1: I've had a rubbish day

Person 2: Well, it's your lucky day, because I have 70 ways to cheer you up!!

Person 2: Number 1, Give you a big hug.

Person 1: And the others?

Person: 69!

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Doing your homework prevents embarrassment.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, indignant, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

The complex mathematics of the bus driver

Imagine yourself being a bus driver.

At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.

At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.

At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.

At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.

At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4...

I just told my wife that tomorrow morning I had to go in front of Judge....

....she asked, number 1 or number 2 ???

A guy who is blind in his left eye and a guy who is blind in his right eye decide to team up.

After they combine forces, they realize they weren’t specific enough.

Guy number 1 turns to guy number 2 and says "Didn’t see that coming."

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