As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2^(2)

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

How can a letter appear 3 times in a 5-letter word?

Must be an error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

### That means one person enjoys it

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

In my first year of college, I had 5 times the number of girlfriends that I had in my four years of high school.

5 x 0 = 0

“I’m 17 and have the body of a 5 year old”

My date: “prove it”
Me: *opens freezer*

I don’t sleep with dates on the 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, or 13th date

It’s my prime dating rule

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that's going around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

A 5 year old I teach asked me if there is a similarity between bread and Sun

and then proceeded to tell me that both rises in yeast and sets in the waist.

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an eighth theist

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Every educated person in the world knows now 5-10 Ukrainian words

But can't use any of them in public.

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

In the jungles of Brazil I met young, beautiful indigenous women named 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

They were in their Amazon Prime.

I did with 5 what Hemingway could not do with 6

For sale: Lollipop. Mostly un-licked.

Why shouldn’t you tell a funny joke to a group of 5 blonde girls?

Because you’ll have to explain it 5 times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Lucky Number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the ...

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

… A bittersweet victory.

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

I am earning 5,000 monthly

Last month I received 7,000 and I kept quiet.

This month I got 3,000 so I went to HR to complain.

HR asked "why didn't you complain when you received extra last month?"

I replied "I will normally forgive the first mistake, but I can't tolerate the second."

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Officer: excuse me sir, do You realise your wife fell out of your car about 5 miles back?

Man: thanks for telling me officer, I thought I had gone deaf.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

It takes me 5 minutes to get to the bar.

But it takes me 45 minutes to get back.

The difference is staggering.

I'll see my self out. :)

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My 5 year old told me - "Dad, peacock has a bad word in it"

"So I'm just going to call it a cock."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

What do you call 5 blondes in a freezer?

Frosted Flakes

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

5 ants + 5 ants

5 ants + 5 ants = tenants

I went on a trip to China and it wasn’t great. 2/5

But the flag was five stars

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During sex you can burn off as many calories as running 5 miles

But who can run 5 miles on 30 seconds?

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

5 months ago I ordered a book called "How to Scam People Online"

It still hasn't been delivered yet.

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

Dad, name 5 animals living in the North Pole

Three seals and two penguins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't stand people who always hold the power button for 5 seconds

It's just a major turn off.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 released before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one

Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

What’s the difference between a circus and 5 female line dancers without panties?

I don’t know either, but one sure is a cunning array of stunts.

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Jim has been working at the local Zoo for 5 years now...

He loves answering "Yes! they're wonderful" to women at the bar when they ask him if he works with animals. In reality however, he's a janitor, and his only job is to scoop their droppings.


One day, Jim's boss walks up to him in a huff:
"Jim, as you know, Coco the gorilla, our main...

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Last night I managed to run 5 miles

I stopped when I saw she wasn't giving up and I just decided to let the old lady have her purse back

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

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A father gives all 3 of his boys $5 to spend at the fair.

The first boy sees a tent that says "$5 for a blow job" so he decides to go in as he is curious what they feel like. The second boy decides to follow his brother to the blowjob tent. The two boys get sucked for about an hour and by the end of it, it's time to go back to their father. The first boy a...

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

A man is asked where he sees himself in 5 years while at a job interview

He replies his greatest weaknesses is listening

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 5 inch long and starts with a P?

....a shit

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A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moment I reached home,my wife was standing at the door and told "I got a call from "Amber" and she said she slept with you 5 times".

"Err... Wrong number," I replied. "It has to be a wrong number."

She pulled out her phone and showed the photo.

"Then,explain this !"

"Well, I'm not denying sleeping with her .But that dumb bitch is either bad in counting or memory. We slept 7 times so far".

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In the mirror.


Ba dum tss... >:-D!

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

My wife is definitely a 5

‘Cause she has a flat top and a curvy bottom.

A buddy of mine named is dog "5 miles"

Just to say he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles.

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

My 5 year old just came up with this one

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Cucumber
Cucumber who?
I’m gonna cut you open

- ends in death stare -

5 years of cake day without posting a joke...

I mean, I feel I dessert to do it this time.

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

From my 5 year old: An eyeball walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, “I can’t serve you! Where’s your mouth?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a $5 prostitute…

A few days later he finds out he has crabs. He returns to the prostitute angry. She says, it was only $5, what did you expect, lobster?

Credit to Michael Scott

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

From the time I was 5 until I turned 16, my Dad would beat me every night...

but if he'd have let me win, I wouldn't be the checkers player I am today!

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric and cable company."

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

Yoda asks Luke “why is 5 afraid of 7?”

Because 6, 7, 8.

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

The zoo placed a classified ad: “5,000 to mate with an ape.”

A man answers and is invited to the zoo. When he arrived he says to the zoo keeper, “I am willing, but I have three conditions.

“First, there will be no kissing.

“Second, if this Union proves fruitful the children are to be raised Catholic”

He pauses. The zoo keeper asks what th...

me: will this car fit 5 people?

**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.

**me:** damn! my homies have lots of those

The first 5 days

After the weekend are the hardest

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

5 yo: Can you count backwards from infinity?

Me: Of course I can but it will take forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man who always masturbates at the end of his 9 to 5 shift say to the friend throwing a party at 5:30?

"I'll be there after I get off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "


So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He
asked.
...

Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5.

John was the mean one.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A construction company builds a 5 stories apartment building but with no bathroom

A reporter asks the contractor:

"Why didn't you build any bathroom in the building?"

The contractor replies:
"The first floor is a kindergarten, they go potty so no need for a bathroom"

"The second floor is for high ranking officials, they've got people to wipe their ass fo...

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

5 things that no one cares about

1. Lists

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

We all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why didn't 4 eat 5?

It was 2²

If you run at 11 PM you are a night person. If you run at 5 AM you are a morning person.

If you run at 11 PM you are a night person.

If you run at 5 AM you are a morning person.

If you run at 3 AM you are a suspicious person.

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

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