UPJOKE
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Regular Jokes

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

What's the difference between a regular thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

My husband beats me at regular intervals

Hertz

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

What's the difference between a steampunk bike and a regular bike?

On a steampunk bike the gears don't do anything.

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What happens when an outhouse becomes a regular house?

Nobody gives a shit.

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

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A regular always comes to a bar

He's so familiar with the place, that he only lifts one finger up and the bartender knows he wants a whiskey. He does this one day, lifts his finger and gets his whiskey. He walks out of the bar wasted and falls down in the ditch. A homosexual that saw the whole situations goes and has his way with ...

What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?

Bad habits

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

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Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.

Happy New Year 2016 everyone.

extendable ladders are just regular ladders

with extra steps

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What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex?

One makes your day and one makes your hole weak.

How do you turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed?

Simply forget your wife's birthday

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

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My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .

She(*surprised*) : why is that?

I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

swimmimg regularly is great for exercise

The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

I'm regularly asked to be a photomodel for sports magazines, man's health, dietary topics etc.

I'm the guy in the "before" pictures.

A sea lion is just a regular seal

... missing an electron

After 12 years of regular counselling sessions,

my psychiatrist said something that made me cry like a baby.

He said: “No hablo ingles.”

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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

Making holy water from regular water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

A regular family dinner

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maids bedroom today

Pa: H-Hey now you just be quiet and eat your dinner son

Ma: Go on son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!!!

Pa: Now listen here you lying little sh--

Ma: Finish the story Son!

Son: The...

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

Does anyone know where I could find people with similar interests to regularly hang out with?

Asking for a friend.

Doctor: Does your migraine happen at regular frequency?

Me: Yes, it really hertz.

I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf.

I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

Donald Trump’s lawsuits are like his regular suits,

They all hang on something useless.

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

When you go to a regular birthday party, there’s one cake

When you go to Nicki Minaj’s birthday party, there’s *two* cakes

Did you know Boy George loves to regularly post jokes on Reddit?

He is a real Karma Comedian!

Why did the genetically modified chicken taste better than the regular one?

It was CRISPR!

Regular naps help to prevent old age

Especially if you take them while driving

Ironman's girl equivalent would be just regular women

Because they are FeMale

What regular people see: Reddit

What colorblind people see: dit

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

How do you tell a police horse from a regular horse?

The police horse goes "Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw".

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Regular as clockwork...

Every morning I pee at 6:15AM, then poop at 6:30AM. Problem is I don’t wake up until 7AM.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed regularly.

And for the same reason.

Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead ...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So...

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

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My older brother regularly has sex with tramps

I think he may be a hobo-sexual

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

When does a regular joke turn into a bad dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

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My wife and I have sex very regularly

It's once a year, but always on the same day, like clockwork.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

A lady goes to her doctor for a regular exam.

The doctor asks for a blood, stool and urine sample.

She replies, can I just leave my underwear I'm late for Bingo.

I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

An hour after going to bed after serving his riotous regulars at his bar, his phone began to ring...

"What time does the bar open?" asked a drunken voice on the other end of the line. "Eleven o'clock," snapped the bar keep as he slammed down the phone." A minute later the phone rang again, and the same voice asked, "What time did you say the bar opened?" "Eleven o'clock, dammnit, and you can'...

My dentist asked me if I brush regularly.

"Yes," I replied. "And if you don't believe me, ask our pet horse. We share a toothbrush."

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I believe your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"Of course not! He would hav...

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Prostitutes are a lot like regular women

In that neither of them will have sex with me.

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A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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Regularity

An old man goes to see his doctor. Doctor asks “ what’s wrong”, old man says “I take a crap every morning at 6:00.” Doctor says: “ you sound very regular to me.” Old man replies: “ but I don’t get up until 7:00.”

Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

Today I wore regular pants for the first time in two weeks...

but only because I'm washing my sweatpants

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

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A trucker is driving his regular route from St Louis to New Orleans

He’s passing through Arkansas and it’s raining buckets outside. The trucker pulls over at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere, deciding to take a short break and wait for the rain to pass. He heads inside and is greeted by the store clerk. The clerk is a dirty looking man in his mid fifties...

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher....

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. ...

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

Why can't regular browsers of r/jokes change a lightbulb?

They are all looking for the punchline.

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

A girl dances with you regularly but isn't into you. What does she see you as?

A step-brother

...sorry

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

I've just invented a dating app for chickens, its not my regular job..

Its to make hens meet

My brother is having regular intercourse with his best friend an is terrible at keeping it a secret from me

But he does his bestie

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What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?

A regular toad says ribbit ribbit. A horney toad says rubbit rubbit.

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

How do yetis stay regular?

They always know wendigo

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...

it's usually my ankle.

How do you tell the difference between decaf and regular?

Decaf is faced backwards

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