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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

Regular naps prevent old age,

especially if you take them while driving.

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

Regular back

Regular back
- will hurt eventually
- boring
- stupid bones

Backstreet's back
- alright

I once tried going to the local nunnery regularly...

But I just couldn’t get into the habit.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

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What's the difference between regular and anal sex?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

Why can't regular browsers of r/jokes change a lightbulb?

They are all looking for the punchline.

I've just invented a dating app for chickens, its not my regular job..

Its to make hens meet

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

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Remember: Sex on a regular basis

Helps keep your memory alive and strong.

I wish you all a great 2016.

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to...

How do yetis stay regular?

They always know wendigo

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

What's the difference between cannibal children and regular children?

Cannibal children can play with their food.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

A sea lion is just a regular seal

... missing an electron

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

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I hate that I regularly snort cocaine...

I'm not even addicted, it just smells so fucking good.

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel...

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

What is the difference between a BDSM relationship and a regular one?

In the BDSM relationship there is a safe word that can immediately stop the torture.

Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

Once upon a time there lived a regular old cheerio.

One day he went outside for a walk and noticed the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio he had ever seen leaving her house. In love, the cheerio went to her and said

“Excuse me, you’re the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio I’ve ever seen, will you go on a date with me?”

The honey-nut cheer...

I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor. He asked "which doctor"?

I said no, just the regular kind.

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Prostitutes are a lot like regular women

In that neither of them will have sex with me.

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

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What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?

A regular toad says ribbit ribbit. A horney toad says rubbit rubbit.

Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

Tony did all he could to avoid maths & decided to study Botany.

He later became famous for discovering that discarded tree trunks emit a regular pattern of sounds & is now focused on calculating the sounds.

After avoiding maths, he still ended up in a career solving Log rhythms

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes th...

A man walks into a doctor’s office...

A man walks into a doctor’s office.

He walks up to the registration desk and says, “I have a 1:30 appointment.”

“Awesome!” says the secretary. “Which doctor?”

“No,” the man goes. “The regular one.”

How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

A regular guy walks into a really tall BBQ joint

The steaks were high

I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

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I took my regular dose of Viagra, which lasts an hour

But then a Chanukah miracle occurred and now I'm in the hospital.

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and i...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

Regular customer visits a brothel

But he is bored, and has tried everything on the menu. He wants something new, something that’ll blow his mind (no pun intended).

So he asks the clerk about any specialties for today.

-“We do have a new addition, it’s this Asian girl that can sing while she sucks you off, and she only ...

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

What's high maintenance and regularly goes down on everyone?

Servers. Everyone would include me.

A distress call comes in to Pierre at the Maine coast guard: "mayday mayday. We're 12 miles out on a capsized boat."

"no can do" Pierre said, "We've got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats."

Elvis tattoo

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis's face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guy does it. She gets up to look at it and screams "that looks aweful! That doesn't look anything like Elvis!" The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel ...

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher....

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. ...

What's the difference between a professional golfer and a regular swinger?

A professional golfer tries to get a hole-in-one.

A regular swinger just tries to get one in the hole.

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How is a pirate dick different from a regular dick?

‘Scurvy

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you
down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight m...

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

How do you make a ceaser salad from a regular salad?

Stab it 23 times.

I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis

I guess you could say I dabble

Nowadays there’s a pill for everything

to keep your nose from running, to keep you regular, to
keep your heart beating, to keep your hair from falling out. . . . Why, thanks to advances in
medical science, every day people are dying who never looked better.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

What's the difference between trash and a Jersey Girl?

The trash gets picked up regularly

So the DOW Jones industrial average dropped 800 points last week. And you know what this means to us regular people?

Not a damn thing...

Make your own Holy Water!

Put regular water in a pot. Boil the hell out of it.

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

If you like Saturn so much

Then why don’t you become an astrophysicist and engineer, study it in depth, design new craft to fly there and examine the planet, write multiple research papers, give regular talks and become the worlds leading expert on Saturn.

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

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If tampons are sanitary napkins...

How unsanitary must regular napkins be?

I slipped on black ice the other day.

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone.

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A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

“What’s got you down?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.”

“You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you...

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

A regular in our cafe (true story)

I run a small cafe. A regular (R) and his wife (W) stopped in yesterday and ordered their usual meal. W said "R had surgery this morning."

R said "I had eye surgery, had a cataract removed."

When they left, I said "Goodbye R, Hope you'll see us soon."

Why should you take regular showers?

Because you might get so oily, America invades you.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

My doctor asked me if I am a regular weed smoker.

As far as I know I ain't doing it any differently than everyone else, so I said, "Well, I ain't trying to reinvent the wheel, doc."

He checked 'yes'.

SuperClark.

Clark kent: i'm looking for a classical game for my Nintendo Switch

Gamestop employee: You can't go wrong with Super Mario.

Clark Kent: [looking around] Haha, don't you have a regular mario?

Gamestop employee: wha-

Clark Kent: [loudly] because i'm just a regular man.

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

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How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

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A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

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A tourist walks into a bar...

...the bar is on the 90th floor of the Empire State building
The tourist starts chatting with a regular

Regular: There's a secret about this building. If you jump out that window, there's an updraft at the 80th story that will bring you right back up

Tourist: really?

Regula...

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

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The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a ...

The adventures of Farty Bart

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart....

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the ...

How do you tell the difference between decaf and regular?

Decaf is faced backwards

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