When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

Why can't regular browsers of r/jokes change a lightbulb?

They are all looking for the punchline.

I've just invented a dating app for chickens, its not my regular job..

Its to make hens meet

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What's the difference between regular and anal sex?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

What's the difference between cannibal children and regular children?

Cannibal children can play with their food.

Regular naps prevent ageing

Especially if taken while driving

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

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Remember: Sex on a regular basis

Helps keep your memory alive and strong.

I wish you all a great 2016.

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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So...

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

Regular back: boring, stupid, will hurt eventually

Backstreet's back: alright

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

A sea lion is just a regular seal

... missing an electron

What is the difference between a BDSM relationship and a regular one?

In the BDSM relationship there is a safe word that can immediately stop the torture.

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

Dying by falling from stairs is just like regular death

But with extra steps

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

An Australian walks into his regular restaurant with his freind from Prague. They order some food and start a game of chess.

As they're finishing their meal, the waiter approaches the Aussie, "Oh hey, who's your friend? Can I get you guys anything else?"

The Aussie plays the final move of the game and says, "Check Mate".

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What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?

A regular toad says ribbit ribbit. A horney toad says rubbit rubbit.

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Prostitutes are a lot like regular women

In that neither of them will have sex with me.

A regular guy walks into a really tall BBQ joint

The steaks were high

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

What's the difference between a professional golfer and a regular swinger?

A professional golfer tries to get a hole-in-one.

A regular swinger just tries to get one in the hole.

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“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?!”

Your parents, when you move out of their basement...

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I took my regular dose of Viagra, which lasts an hour

But then a Chanukah miracle occurred and now I'm in the hospital.

How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher....

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. ...

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis

I guess you could say I dabble

An original joke walks into a bar.

Bartender : Hey, welcome to /r/jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before.

Original joke: Don't worry, I'll be a regular here within a week or two.

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

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How is a pirate dick different from a regular dick?

‘Scurvy

How do you make a ceaser salad from a regular salad?

Stab it 23 times.

A regular in our cafe (true story)

I run a small cafe. A regular (R) and his wife (W) stopped in yesterday and ordered their usual meal. W said "R had surgery this morning."

R said "I had eye surgery, had a cataract removed."

When they left, I said "Goodbye R, Hope you'll see us soon."

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

Why should you take regular showers?

Because you might get so oily, America invades you.

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

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A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

“What’s got you down?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.”

“You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you...

The regular taster at a winery died...

The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, ...

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

My doctor asked me if I am a regular weed smoker.

As far as I know I ain't doing it any differently than everyone else, so I said, "Well, I ain't trying to reinvent the wheel, doc."

He checked 'yes'.

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

What's the difference between home school and regular school in the US?

The body count.

How do you tell the difference between decaf and regular?

Decaf is faced backwards

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

Kim-Jong un wanted to know what his citizens thought of him, so he disguised himself as a regular citizen and went out.

In the streets of Pyongyang, he approached a man and asked, "What you think of our Great Leader?"

The man, not knowing that he was speaking to Kim, said: "Follow me. I don't want anyone to hear me."

He took Kim to a dark, quiet alley where no one will hear. Kim then repeated the questi...

A friend of mine told me that a mutation while making his mRNA caused a stop codon to be created in place of a regular codon.

I said, “That’s nonsense!”

Making holy water from regular water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

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A man walks into his regular watering hole....

depressed he orders a double whiskey. The bartender asks him “What’s the bad news?”.
The guy says “Well my wife says she no longer enjoys sex so she’s cutting me off, we can only do it once a month”.
Bartender: “Ooohhh cheer up that’s nothing, she’s cut most of the guys in here completely of...

Ever notice that regular glass has pretty much no taste -

but broken glass tastes like blood?

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning ...

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

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A blonde guy walks into a bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.

Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back...

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

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My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his crappy Punjabi music at the top of his voice

He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.


I smiled back at him and replied, "Yes," as I put them up my nostrils.

Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

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I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

One of my regulars came into my store to buy some snacks

He handed me a packet of nuts, I scanned them and said "So I guess I'll cashew later?"

What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one?

The regular one says "Made in China".
The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, n...

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors.

11 secrete herbs and spices

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It is tough being a horny pagan with no regular religious holidays...

... because all you can look forward to is getting the Wiccans off.

A man walks into his regular bar..

He takes an open seat next to the bartender. He and the bartender are good friends so they begin to talk.

"You want the same thing as yesterday? I just got restocked on your usual.."

"Nah. I don't drink that anymore. I drank so much that when I got home I started blowing chunks."
<...

A regular always buys three shots every friday night then leaves.

The bartender one day gets very curious after a couple months and finally decides to ask the man:

BT: "Why do you always order three shots first thing, drink them, then leave once done?"

Reg: "Well, my brothers and I became separated once I moved here for business. We use to drink toge...

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Never hide regular cocaine in your butt

Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine

A man notices a large group of women who are regulars at a cafe...

They always seem to be having a great time, exchanging stories and laughing. This goes on for sometime until one day the group is very quiet and have no energy. Thinking that something is wrong, he approaches one of the women and remarks that they are usually in high spirits, but today they seem dep...

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how are bi planes different from regular planes?

a lot of them have a wide open cockpit.

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There is this regular at a bar who has the body of a God, perfectly sculptured, but he also has a very tiny head; which kind of makes for a funny look.

And so, one day, the bartender musters the courage to mention the funny look, and ask if there was a story behind it.

"Well, I was walking this desert one day, when I cam upon an old style lamp. I rubbed it clean with my sleeve, and poof, a genie came out. It held the shape of a woman, an...

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Hotel guest to desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

Desk clerk: "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck."

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

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In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a regular thermometer?

The taste.

I slipped on black ice the other day.

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone.

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