UPJOKE
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Plus Jokes

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

2 plus 2

A business man asks his doctor what 2 plus 2 is and is told 4. He then asks his lawyer what 2 plus 2 is and gets the same answer 4. Finally he asks his accountant what 2 plus 2 is. The accountant replies 'what do you want it to be',

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What is half bitch plus half bitch?

Sum of a bitch

What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.



Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

My Plus One

Platonic friend and I are going to celebrate 5 years of friendship. I approached her and said, “Look, we’ve been hanging out together for 5 years now, and I think it’s time we take this to the next level.” Wide-eyed, she nodded. I looked deep into her eyes, then farted.

Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty.

Sixteen plus sixteen is thirty, too.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

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A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...”

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the m...

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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

One the plus side,

I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades.
- Helen Keller.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

What is infinity plus infinity

2 infinity and beyond

Ronald Reagan asks a mathematician: "What is two plus two?"

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"
...

Russian-made cars have only one plus

... on the battery.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

A blonde fills a stadium with 90,000 people to prove blondes are smart

She fills up the stadium with 90,000 blondes, TV crew, News crews all of the media.

She calls up one volunteer from the crowd.

The host says: "Lets start with some simple maths questions"

Blonde: "Sure"

The host asks, "What's 3 times 8?"

After 20 seconds the blond...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”

What did the sum say to the plus sign?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

"Hey Dad! What's one snowball plus one snowball plus one snowball?"

"Snowman"
- My 7-year-old

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

The teacher asks Little Johnny, "What's five plus five?"

Little Johnny: What?

Teacher: What's five plus five?

Little Johnny: I can't hear you.

Teacher: **WHAT'S FIVE PLUS FIVE?**

Little Johnny: I literally can't hear you from my desk.

Teacher: I can't believe you. Let's switch.

Little Johnny takes the teacher's pl...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Indian parents can never like OnePlus

Because it tells you to 'Never Settle'

Update- Mexico has 2000 plus cases of Corona

At the Corona beer factory warehouse

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

What is one bean plus four beans?

FAVA BEANS!!!!!

My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby

...except I drop it a lot less

I really look up to beautiful plus size women in ads.

They’re my roll models.

When is one plus one three?

When you don't use a condom.

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

What's a huge red flag, but also a big plus, so overall it's neutral?

The Swiss flag

My cat loves Sky Plus.

He loves the PAWS feature.

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

My friend just got a new OnePlus 8 and is *always* using it

He needs help for his OP8 addction

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The corona virus Might be a plus for my sex life!

I'm thinking of all those women who said "Maybe if you were the last man on earth ..."

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

Three eggs plus cash

A wife was cleaning her husband's drawers and found an old wooden box containing three eggs and 5,000 dollars cash. Confused, the wife asked the husband what they were for. The husband answered, "well, whenever i feel lonely, i would drive to the strip club right across town. I feel guilty about it ...

Most people have 32 teeth, I have 10 plus 15 minus 3 ...

trust me, I did the meth.

How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?

All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

Have you heard about Chubby's Plus Size Brothel?

They say it's how you get the biggest bang for your buck.

When does one plus one equal three?

Nine months later.

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Why buy Netflix, Hulu, or Disney plus when you can go on pornhub

its, hands down, the best "up and coming" streaming service

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

Have you heard about the new iPhone Plus?

I reckon it's gonna be a huge 6s...

Get it ;)

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Why do porn sites have a share to Google plus button

I don't want my friends to know I have Google plus

A plus sign, a multiplication sign , and a minus sign walk into a bar.

The bartender serves the multiplication sign first, then he serves the plus sign, and the minus sign from left to right and a bunch of people from Facebook don't know why.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff.

They said it was weapons of math instruction.

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Did you hear about the 50 plus year old Sci Fi fan with big nipples?

Areola 51

I told my girlfriend I wanted to start seeing other people

It's really hard to close my eyes whenever someone else comes into view. Plus it makes driving really dangerous.

Thinking about opening a lingerie shop for plus size women

....... Gonna call it KING THONG

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

A Roman Pirate Captain asks tells their crew to "Find me the answer to i plus i"

The crew responds with "ii, captain"

Did you hear the iPhone 6S Plus is selling really well?

Seems like it's a big 6S

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

JCPenney just moved the women's Plus Size department downstairs. Is this yet another example of fat acceptance?

Or are they just tired of the escalator breaking?

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses pa...

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A first grader is working on his math homework

While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m ...

Accountant Joke

The CEO of a large corporation called his directors for a meeting. He asked the director of development, "Mr. Jones, what is two plus two?"

Mr. Jones, looking a bit confused, replied, "Two plus two is four, Sir."

The CEO said, "Ya, that\`s what I thought you would say." Then he asked...

Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s

Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two (plus my favorite three little pig joke)

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a ...

Three "plus size" women walk into an Irish bar, and order 3 Bwrz Fynt's

The bartender says, "I can't understand what you said."

One of the girls says, "I'm sorry, we're from Wales."

The bartender replies, "That explains everything."

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

A duck walks into a drugstore....

...and says "I'd like some condoms."


The pharmacist says "That will be $5 plus tax."


The duck says "I don't need tacks, they stay on by themselves."

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

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