What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

How do you make number one disappear?

You flush.

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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters

They were mostly Good years

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?

No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky.

What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

What’s the number one use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

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Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

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Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers.

#

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

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Whats the number one cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids.

What's the number one comeback on r/Jokes?

Riposte.

Montana is the number one state in the country for suicidal ideation…

Which means it's a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there.

What's the current number one song in Russia?

Crimea river

For 65million years the T-rex was the number one predator

Then came Bill Cosby

New studies show that becoming a chef is the number one job for homeless people after re-integration into society...

Many cite their strong resumes as the key to their success considering they have a lot of experience pan handling.

Internet Explorer. The number one browser.....

For downloading other browsers.

The number one problem in the world today is apathy.

But who cares?

What did the starship captain say when he peed his pants?

Yellow alert, number one.

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The Five Secrets To Happiness…

The Five Secrets to Happiness

Number one: Find a woman who can make you laugh.

Number two: Find a woman who can cook.

Number three: Find a woman who actually listens to you.

Number four: Find a woman who’s good in bed.

And number five, the most important secret:...

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Best place to spend a life in hell...

So, a man dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he is greeted and shown around by a member of Hell’s HR department. He is told that he had three options as to where he will spent eternity.

The HR demon opens up door number one and the room is filled with people standing on their heads on a w...

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

An unemployed man saw an ad in the newspaper asking for a Disneyland cop. He immediately goes to apply for the job.

"If you want to work at Disneyland," says the job agent, "you must show your knowledge of Disney by answering these questions. Question number one: what kind of animal is Mickey?"

"A dog?" guesses the guy.

"I'm sorry," says the agent, "but the correct answer is, a mouse. Question numbe...

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

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One Upon A Time Up The Dirt Track...

Two rocks are lying side by side on a dusty track. The first rock says to the other, ‘the strangest thing happened to me this morning; a man was walking up the track and he stopped and started looking intently at me, as if he was visually gauging my grain size and colouring.”

“That is strange...

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

COVID-19 deaths have proven one thing

Americans strive to be number one in everything!

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

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Mom wants her son to go to school.

A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school.

From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.”

Mom repl...

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

My girlfriend asked if she was more important than my computer

I told her she is always number one

But I always start counting at zero

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes “if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I’d be happy with myself”

The second goes “if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I’d be satisfied”

The third guy goes “well I do an awesome n...

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(NSFW) The Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred-dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred-dollar bill ...

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