I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sexual dysfunction group is having a special meeting for the non orgasmic.

Let me know if you can't come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

non-alcoholic beer tastes like...

... licking your sister. Tastes right but something is wrong

Why do non Jewish movies run for so long?

It’s because they’re uncut

I invited my non-vegeterian friend to a party but

..he chickened out :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can we explain the concept of 'recursion' to a non IT person

Imagine you are wanking,

to the thought of yourself wanking thinking the same thing(1),

who in turn is thinking about himself wanking while wanking(2),

and yet again another level(3),

and it goes n times deep, till one guy finishes, which makes the next level up climax...

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

Did you hear about the non-denominational Christian who converted to Catholicism because of his Catholic wife?

He didn’t believe in sects before marriage.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Why was the 3 year old non-vacinated kid crying?

Midlifecrisis

A non-sequitor walks into a bar.

Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

Question from non American. Why did you need to impeach Trump?

I mean he already is orange... is he not?

The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?"

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes...

Because the 4th one dyed.

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

What's the best way to say hello to a non-binary person?

48 65 6c 6c 6f

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the conclusion of world war 2, the leaders of France and the United States had a dinner party.

During the pre-dinner small talk, president Truman's wife Bess asks Charles De Gaulle's wife Yvonne, "Now the war is over, what is your greatest wish?"

Yvonne thinks for a moment and responds, "All zat I want is a penis!"

Silence falls over the table. Then De Gaulle pipes up, "Non, ma ...

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our non existent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Why is India a prominent member of the Non-aligned Movement?

Because they don't like to have beef with anyone.

Girl are you non-binary?

Because you are definitely a 10!

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Why was the morbidly obese non-binary person barred access to a health food convention?

No trans-fats allowed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Why should atheists be exempted from tax?

Because atheism is a non-prophet organisation!

A non-observable electron...

...went into two bars...

What do a non-newtonian fluid and a massochist have in common?

They get hard when you punch them

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

Chicken Dinner

A farm family invited their new pastor over for a Sunday chicken dinner. After a delicious meal, the pastor seemed to be the only one that noticed a rooster outside crowing almost non-stop. He finally had to ask the farmer, "Excuse me. I grew up in the city and I thought roosters only made noise ...

Why can't you cook wood in a pan?

Its a non stick pan

Two gamers, one French, one American...

A: You up for some Wii?

F: Oui!

A: Yes, do you wanna play?

F: Oui.

A: Yes, the game console.

F: Oui.

A: Are you going to answer my question?

F: Non.

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office...

...and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TMI

A handsome, vigorous man in early middle age named Kramer died unexpectedly. While preparing his body, Jim the mortuary assistant couldn't help but notice something. Even in the total non-arousal of death, Kramer had a cock the size of a large cucumber.

Jim thought it would be a terrible wa...

I decided to come out as non-binary

And changed my name to '2'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

Knock knock. 9. Nein your business.

German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

What is atheism

A non-prothet activity

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

I'm not just non-binary

I'm non-alphabetical, I identify as the number 7.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on the history of the WD-40.

It was non friction.

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

Where do non-American people take their misbehaving dogs?

To the kilogram.

A ghost walks up to a non-alcoholic bar.

“Get out of here,” said the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits!”

A non sequitur walks into a bar

In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

What kind of organization does an atheist start?

A non-prophet one

I want to quit my job and start a non-profit organization...

...but my wife insists that it doesn’t sound like a good business decision.

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

What does a gangster on an island say when they see a non-electric car?

Madagascar

A journalist named John moved to a new city, where he noticed something strange...

Citizens of the city get a quarter for every bag of garbage they throw out!
John did not understand how this came to be, and decided to ask one of his new neighbors.

The neighbor told John that a few years ago, the city was not special at all with its garbage disposal system. Everybody di...

Prior to every flight, everytime I prepare a hot non-coffee brown beverage for the A-team

T leaves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

Do you know who was the greatest casualty of Covid-19?

Anti Vaxxers

I bet they are praying non stop for a cure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "wh...

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

Two friends were sitting together

Two friends were sitting together watching a football match

One of them is a clown in a circus


They were all joking and laughing until the non-clown friend said to the other:

"seriously though jokes aside, what side are you supporting in the match"

The clown said "...

Did you know that non vaxxed kids had super abilities?

Their bodies are way more sensible to environmental exposure, and they can hear a sneeze from miles away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

Non English speaking mom boasts about my profession to her friends "My son is a Racist!!!"

MOM! ITS RACER!

What’s a non-religious crusader called?

A mass murderer you dumb dumb

'Non-Flammable' says one thing to me. . .

Challenge!!

I was reading this non-friction book

It was hard to grasp

Sir Mixalot was wrong.

Silicon parts are made for non-stick cooking ware.

Did you hear about the person who hates computers?

They just came out as non binary

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers?

Poly-ticks.

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