UPJOKE
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How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Non alcoholic beer is like a vibr@tor without the batteries.

It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.

What did the prospector say about his more successful, non-binary neighbor?

“There’s gold in them/their hills!”

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night:

“You are not that great in the bed anymore“

The wife kept mum. Went to the bedroom and came out dressed to go out.

Husband: “Where are you going out at this hour ?“

Wife : “To get a second opinion“

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

I found a website where non-binary people sell used items

It’s called eThey

The barman says “Why the non-linear structure?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

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What does an Australian call two yellow bananas having non consensual sex?

Ripe.

Why was the robot cancelled?

Because it didn't accept non-binary arguments

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

If I started a non government organisation...

I would call it B.I.


That would be its name-o

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

What do you call an immaterial fantasy writer?

A non-fongible Tolkien.

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

Don't get mad at me but,

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Little long, but it's funny.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and...

How does a Non Binary person kill someone?

They/Them

What do you call a non binary fascist?

A Not-she.

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full?

Non-Dine-ary

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks...

Morecambe and Wise non-joke (they never got to the punchline)

There were two old men sat in deck chairs. One says: "It's nice out". The other says "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

Non Australians may not get this lame joke

Q: What's the name of Ben 10's older brother?

A: Glen 20

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

To Non-USA Redditor’s

You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?

Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market!

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My uncle gave me some really good advice last night...

Me: “Jim, I dropped my phone onto the kitchen floor yesterday. It seems to be working fine mostly, but it’s a little slower than usual. What should I do ?”

Jim: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Me: “Also, my wife has barley spoken a word to me lately, but we’ve been having non-stop...

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

What did the mathematician say that offended the non binary person

01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

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A blonde was driving her car down an Iowa highway in August

As she drove down the road, she had her radio tuned to an all talk channel. The dj on the radio was telling blonde joke after blonde joke non stop, and finally the blonde woman got angry. She turned the radio off and tore the knob off the radio and threw it out the window. A few miles later she came...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I have many jokes about unemployed people

Sadly non of them work

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Started a new climate change non profit

Named Climax

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

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If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

If my son ever comes out as non binary I will not supporting him.

I with support them

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

Me strong

One day a tall muscular native American man walked into the doctors office. He had his pregnant wife and three children with him.He said, doctor, me need help. The doctor said well what can I do for you. The Indian man said me strong, wife strong. To many children. The doc said ah I understand. ...

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

Hey girl, are you a non essential trip to the supermarket?

Because you got FINE written all over you

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Looks doesn´t really matter

* Girl: The reason why you´re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesn´t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! You´re the first non-beautiful person that I´ve heard say that looks doesn´t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just...

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I just caught my idiot husband trying to fry some sticks

He didn't know it was a non-stick pan

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

Why couldn't Chinese hackers decrypt the trans man's signal?

It was non-binary

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

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Did you hear that Lance Armstrong has an NFT?

A Non-functional Testical

The music group 4 Non Blondes are now the 3 Non Blondes.

The 4th one dyed.

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

Why are dairy farmers non-monogamous?

They see udders.

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

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