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Non Jokes

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

The barman says “Why the non-linear structure?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The Bible.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

[oc] What do you call a non aggressive Bruce Lee?

Friend Lee

I'm like a non-newtonian fluid.





You have to hit me to make me hard.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

Why are Hindus so non- confrontational?

Because they can’t have beef.

I think my son might be non-binary

He won’t give me a yes or no answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

Non-duality humour

Why do Buddhists only store their books in drawers?

Because they believe the shelf is an illusion.

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

What did the person who was about to come out as non-binary say?

“I’m almost they’re”

Why are eggs, euphoric and non-competitive?

Because they just got laid, and they’re easy to beat.

What did the impossible non-Euclidean wife shape say to her impossible non-Euclidean husband shape?

"This relationship is very one-sided."

How do you measure a non-binary person’s temperature?

With a themometer!

What does a non binary person eat ?

Ze/zir salad

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

I work for the Big, International Non-Governmental Organization.

And BINGO is its name-o.

Does a non-binary mathematician

still use zeroes and ones?

My uncle sings the praises of some large African mammals but complains non-stop about others.

He’s very hippocritical.

How does a non binary samurai kill their enemy?

They/them

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

I recently met the singer of the band 4 Non Blondes

My friend asked me what I said to her

I said "Hey, what's going on"

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

What do you get if you cross a non-violent Indian with an anti-Semitic art school reject and a wizard?

Gandolf

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

If I started a non government organisation...

I would call it B.I.


That would be its name-o

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night:

“You are not that great in the bed anymore“

The wife kept mum. Went to the bedroom and came out dressed to go out.

Husband: “Where are you going out at this hour ?“

Wife : “To get a second opinion“

What do you call a non binary fascist?

A Not-she.

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I found a website where non-binary people sell used items

It’s called eThey

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

Non Australians may not get this lame joke

Q: What's the name of Ben 10's older brother?

A: Glen 20

If a theist has belief in a god and an atheist has non-belief what does that make agnostics?

“May-believers”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

Why are dairy farmers non-monogamous?

They see udders.

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One

Morecambe and Wise non-joke (they never got to the punchline)

There were two old men sat in deck chairs. One says: "It's nice out". The other says "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

Having a non stick pan

with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

A non-observable electron...

...went into two bars...

My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. ...

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

I was reading this non-friction book

It was hard to grasp

Hey girl, are you a non essential trip to the supermarket?

Because you got FINE written all over you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to explain non-alcoholic beer?

It's like eating your sisters pussy, the taste is the same but you know something is not right.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

A non-sequitor walks into a bar.

Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

Have you heard the joke about the non-infectious disease?

I didn't get it.

What do dill pickels call non-dill pickels?

Infidills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's common between a camel and non-peneterative sex

Dry humping.

Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors.

#7 won't shock you.

A non sequitur walks into a bar

In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

I invited my non-vegeterian friend to a party but

..he chickened out :(

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

If my son ever comes out as non binary I will not supporting him.

I with support them

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

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