Why did the non-binary prospector travel West in 1849?

Because there's gold in them/their hills

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

How do non-binary ninjas kill people?

They/them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

If I started a non government organisation...

I would call it B.I.


That would be its name-o

The barman says “Why the non-linear structure?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

What Is Atheism?

A Non-Prophet Organisation

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

What do you call a non binary fascist?

A Not-she.

Morecambe and Wise non-joke (they never got to the punchline)

There were two old men sat in deck chairs. One says: "It's nice out". The other says "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

Non Australians may not get this lame joke

Q: What's the name of Ben 10's older brother?

A: Glen 20

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”

I'm like a non-newtonian fluid

I get hard when you hit me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

I think my computer has become woke

It’s just come out as non binary

To Non-USA Redditor’s

You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?

Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market!

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

Christians go to church and have to pay tithings

But Atheism is a non prophet organization.

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

2 blondes, 2 brunettes, and 2 redheads walk into a bar. The 2 blondes say "hello" to the bartender...

The 4 Non Blondes say "WHAT'S GOING ON!"

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

My wife's really annoyed with me.

I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when i order 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, im called a pervert.

If my son ever comes out as non binary I will not supporting him.

I with support them

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

A quiet flight.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .

...
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneven...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

If we're really not in a computer simulation..

Does that mean that we're all non-binary?

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A interaction between me and my GF

GF: What are those lights lights called? not the LGBTQ lights but....

Me: You... mean RGB lights?

Gf: Yes!! yes, those ones.

Both: \*laughter\*

GF: Don't call them that hahahah

Me: Nonono they're LGBTQ lights from now on.

Me: Oh yeah my computer has LGBTQ li...

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

A non-Muslim guy and a Muslim woman are deeply in love

Guy converts to Islam and marries her.

Law says guy has to study Islam too.

Guy goes to a one-week Islamic crash course.

Guy finds out something new and says to his wife:

"Baby, guess who can have four wives now?"

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

I got fired from my job at the funeral parlor.

My boss thought "smoking or non smoking?" was an inappropriate way to ask if they wanted cremation.

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

The music group 4 Non Blondes are now the 3 Non Blondes.

The 4th one dyed.

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

Atheism has a rubbish business model

It's non-prophet.

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

There are 11 types of people

binary, non-binary and those who think it's a transphobic joke

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

Why are dairy farmers non-monogamous?

They see udders.

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English

That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

You know you're a hipster when...

You iron your non-iron shirts just to be ironic.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

You Put a Lox on it!



\-Somewhere in the distance my children are shaking their heads and telling everyone to excuse their non hilarious mother-

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How do you classify the relationship between nude beaches and non nude beaches?

Tangenital

If you get banned from a furry convention

You will be fursona non grata

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

Having a non stick pan

with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's common between a camel and non-peneterative sex

Dry humping.

I love it when my non german-speaking friends ask me what "sehr viel" means.

It means a lot.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

I invited my non-vegeterian friend to a party but

..he chickened out :(

Anyone planning on attending their non-conformist church now that COVID restrictions are lifted?

Remember to bring your mask. Always practice safe sects.

...I'll see myself out.

What happened when the Bank teller went crazy?

All I got was non cents.

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Motel

A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the porn be disabled. The woman yells at the man "you sick bastard! We only have regular porn here!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

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I was complaining to my wife about our non existent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common?

Their days are numbered.

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

Question from non American. Why did you need to impeach Trump?

I mean he already is orange... is he not?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

A non-sequitor walks into a bar.

Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

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