In New York, when a married couple gets into a fight, it’s called domestic violence.

In Alabama, it’s known as sibling rivalry.

I don’t like jokes about domestic violence.

They hit too close to home.

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

What’s the worst part about domestic abuse jokes?

The punchline

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

My wife was gonna make a domestic violence joke...

But i beat her to it

What do you call a child born out of incest?

A Gross Domestic Product

Why aren’t people more open about their domestic abuse situations?

Beats me

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

I don't understand why people are disgusted by domestic violence against pregnant women.

At the end of the day, it's 2 against 1.

What do you call a domesticated Chevrolet?

A tame impala.

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

My friend's dad is a magician

He can turn 10 bottles of beer into domestic violence

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

What would you call a domestic worker in China?

Maid in China.

When my wife starts to sing....

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:

"You hittin' that?"

A murderer and a domestic abuser walks into a bar, the bartender then says

"What'll it be officer"

I slapped my violin out of anger

I got arrested for domestic violins

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Last night for Fathers Day I drove home from college to have dinner with my dad...

He asked me if I had chosen a major and I said yes, that I'm learning about agriculture and domestic animal husbandry.

"Have they taught you about roosters yet?"

Actually, yes, it came up in my poultry farming class.

"How many legs does a black rooster have?"

Two, I answe...

What do plumbers, garbagemen,and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

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What happens when you mix Adolf Hitler and domestic violence?

Adolf *Hit-Her*

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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Dogs are the the most racially tolerant of all domesticated animals...

They don't see color

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

President Trump says he supports victims of domestic violence.

He still pays alimony to Ivana Trump.

Why is there no equality in domestic abuse?

Someone always has the upper hand.

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

If Germany is fatherland and Russia is mother land

Then WW2 is domestic violence

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A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”

“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”

“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If yo...

More men have been enrolling in domestic violence support groups than ever

If you can't beat em, join em

(Not mine but had to share) *in a Deep South accent

I like my beer like I like my violence...
...Domestic

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas?

Tarrif-ied.

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

Did you know my dad is an incredible magician?

He can turn a case of Jack Daniels into a case of domestic abuse

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

My uncle is a magician

he turned a bottle of whiskey into a case of domestic violence

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

What it’s called when a train is in a bad relationship:

Domestic caboose.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all ...

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...

Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

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