Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

Bees: Forming a beehive is not an effective business plan

It's a hive mind full of buzzwords

What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

What is the most effective way to remember your girlfriend's birthday?

Forget it once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ear for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

After a long and effective career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, Amigo.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you see the movie about the most effective woman ever to masturbate?

It was a pretty good flick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

Effective Anger Management

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the most effective way of cleaning a cum stain?

Baby wipes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective...

You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Effective weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a represen...

So I was told that torture is 100% effective.

They finally admitted to it after 5 hours of waterboarding. I still don't know why they kept lying before it though.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness?

He was too super fish oil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It turns out there IS a natural birth control that's 100% effective. You have to more than just careful with it...

Fact is, you have to be totally anal.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...

A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss...

I said, just change your name to Simon.

I think gambling hotlines would be more effective

if every fifth caller won a prize.

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

A young boy is struggling in math class, and is close to failing.

His parents have tried everything in the book to support him, but his grades just wont improve. After countless tutors, online courses, and learning support his parents decide that there is only one thing left to do. They enroll him in a strict catholic boarding school, known for its strict and effe...

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

But I personally find it far more effective to go through his ribcage.

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

A redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

Abortion is

The most effective form of spawn camping

A man goes to the doctor

"can you give me something to sleep? i didn't have a good night of sleep in weeks"

the doctor gives him some suppositories and says: "use these right before you go to sleep"

the next day the man returns to the doctor. "can you give me something less effective?"

"why?"

"be...

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.

After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

Why does Bill Gates use a mouse when he’s fishing?

Because he sincerely believes it is the most effective.......

Click bait!

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a gang of bank robbers

Among them was a lass named Dria. She was so pretty that she stopped men in their tracks with lust, and women with envy. Any man alive would bend over backward while giving her the shirt off his back.

Their plan was simple, but effective. Dria would hold her foot, feign agony, and scream "...

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. 

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.

Melania: Donald can be such a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne...

My crush finally texted me first

"I'm updating my privacy policy to make it easier for you to understand what information I collect from you. Click here to review my updated privacy policy, effective from June 2018"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is it Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to sell toothbrushes

Monday at school, the teacher lined up all the students and had them present their weekend homework: their assignment was to sell something and give a presentation on effective salesmanship.

Sally was up first. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to peop...

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

[ANTI-CLIMACTIC] The difference between 4chan, Yahoo answers, and Reddit

A man gets sick with a cold, so he decides to browse the internet to get effective remedies to help him.

He visits Yahoo answers, and gets a response telling him to "use bed :))))"

He visits Reddit, after posting his question, he realizes he posted in r/gaming, he gets downvoted to obl...

My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.

I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me how my diet was going

I told her using more sex as an incentive has been really effective thus far.

She responded quizzically, saying, “we haven’t been having more sex than usual.”

So, long story short, my girlfriend dumped me when she found out when I have been doing on my cheat days.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fat man wanted to lose some weight

So he goes to the fitness and asks what he can do to lose weight fast.

The clerck tells him about a very effective program and the prices:

* Lose 10 kg for $100
* Lose 20 kg for $200
* Lose 30 kg for $300

The man wasn't sure it will work so he bought the cheapest one. He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A call from the hospital

A man comes home from work, and as he's opening the door, he hears the phone ringing. He puts down his toolbox, and picks up the receiver.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Steve Sanders?"
"Yes, it is..."
"Hello, Mr. Sanders. I regret to have to tell you that your wife has been in an awful ca...

They say dunking your head in cold water helps wake you up

But no one realizes boiling water is much more effective

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adam, Eve and God's bag of parts

One day Adam and Eve were enjoying the garden and it's many luxuries, when they heard the voice of God.

"Alright you two, I have new parts for you, only have two for now."

He explained, approaching the two.

"First is a hose, I think I will call it a penis."

He explained,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very busy man needs to leave on a long business trip...

In fear that his long absence will cause his wife to become disloyal, he decides to get her a way to please herself. The man buys his wife a magic dildo. He introduces the magic dildo to his wife, "Its magic! All you have to do is tell it what to do, and it'll do it!!"
In disbelief the woman d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Captain, I've lost my rifle!"

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private.
He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point ...

What do 16 year old boys and drug companies have in common?

They are both more worried about getting inside you than being effective once there!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".

Eventually he finished ...