Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

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Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

Inconceivable

North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

Harvard study dismisses the effectiveness of click bait marketing.

Wrong again, Harvard.

There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

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A guy is watching TV with his girlfriend...

The talk show host is blabbing on about effective communication in relationships. "Sometimes, you can say things that make your partner happy. Sometimes you say things that make them sad. And sometimes you can even say something that makes them sad and happy at the same time..."

The guy scoff...

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

Did you know that a hand sanitizer is much more effective than the allies in WW2?

A hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of the germs in only 15 seconds.

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My dick is like a pill

It's small but very effective

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ear for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

After a long and effective career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, Amigo.

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

How to communicate effectively with your teenage son as an anti-vaxxer:

1. Ouija Board

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

Somewhere, buried down deep in the ground

Is the bar future presidents have to get over in order to seem credible, effective, or hell even just aware of their surroundings.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

When I first moved to the US, I learned English by playing Pokemon Red

It was super effective

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TIFU by sticking a chimney starter up my butt to cure my coronavirus.

Turns out it's only effective against the flue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

What is the most effective way to remember your girlfriend's birthday?

Forget it once.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

The problem with homeopathy is that

there are too many homeopaths. It would be more effective if they were thinned out a bit, say one homeopath per ten trillion people...

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