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Effective Jokes

What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality

Asked my boss when my raise becomes effective

He said "When you do."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

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A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

Why was the lawyer so effective as a hooker?

She mastered the art of getting her clients off on technicalities.

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

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One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his ass. The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had know...

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

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Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

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Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

Inconceivable

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy

After a long and effective career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, Amigo.

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

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