UPJOKE
efficienteffectivenessusefulineffectiveoperationalpotentoperativepowerfulefficacyeffectgoodexistentcompetentactualtelling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elder man can't sleep

An elder at the pharmacist:

"Doctor, I haven't been able to sleep at night for 2 days! Can you give me something?"

The pharmacist:

"Try these sleeping pill suppositories, they are very effective!"

The day after:

"Doctor, do you have anything less powerful?

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

Analysis of the tanks is as follows:

American tanks are more effective, however can be spotted easily due to the usage of Fortunate Son whenever a hatch opens.

However, Russian tanks are silent. This is not intentional, as they ran out of fuel.

French tanks have a speed faster in reverse than in forwards.

Similarly...

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

Inconceivable

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

After a long and effective career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, Amigo.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young priest’s education

A young priest, straight out of seminary, is hearing confessions.

The first parishioner says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I cheated a man out of $100 this week. Then I went downtown, found a prostitute and got a blow job.” The priest, who had never heard of a blow job hesitates a...

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.