UPJOKE
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Effective Jokes

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once
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What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality
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Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Asked my boss when my raise becomes effective

He said "When you do."
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Why was the lawyer so effective as a hooker?

She mastered the art of getting her clients off on technicalities.
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How were Viking longships able to effectively communicate with one another?

They used Norse code.
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My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.
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Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting
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In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven
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Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.
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What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills
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What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.
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What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.
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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.
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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
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I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.
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BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.
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Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons
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Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...
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What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.
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What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...
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Effective Anger Management

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...
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I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Effective weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a represen...

North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "
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My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
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Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.
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What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.
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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.
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After a long and effective career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, Amigo.
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What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
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Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.
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This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.
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What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.
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When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!
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TIL that energy drinks are more effective...

when you smoke them, and they're crack.
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Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.
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statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%
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How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy
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My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.
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They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash
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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.
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There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.
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Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL
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My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.
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Did you see the movie about the most effective woman ever to masturbate?

It was a pretty good flick.

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