UPJOKE
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Strictly Jokes

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon...

most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

He asks: “You got anything strictly theoretical?”

A tachyon walks into a bar

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

I'm strictly against cigarettes.

So I burn them.

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

Lions are strictly on a vegan diet.

They consume about 10 to 15 pounds of vegans a day.

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice?

A goddamn riceist

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

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A guy goes into a doctors office and tells his doctor he wants to live forever

The doctor says “sure I can make you live forever, but you have to do exactly as I say”

The guy eagerly agrees.

The doctor says “first you must cut out all sugar in your diet. No exceptions, come back in a month and I will give you the next step.”

The guy goes home, and for the ...

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

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One day a man made a schedule for his wife.

He said that she had to strictly follow it or he would divorce her. It told her when to wake up, make breakfast, do the laundry, make dinner and when to have sex. Some time later the man went out drinking against his wife's wishes, so she called him and said: "I have a strict schedule and i will fol...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73...

One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18

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I caught my son googling really sketchy porn sites, and I was completely heartbroken.

We are strictly a Bing family.

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a studen...

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

A man and a woman who don't know each other are riding on a train.

It is late, and there is only one cabin left, so they agree they'll share it together. "On the condition that you realize this is strictly platonic" says the woman. The man takes the top bunk, the woman the bottom, and soon they are fast asleep. In the middle of the night the woman feels a tap on...

A Britisher asks an Indian.

A Britisher asked and Indian

Why no politician in India has tested postive for corona?
while lot of politicians around the world even some of the prime minister's tested postive for corona?

Indian: The Politicians in India meet voters only once in 5 years and strictly follow "Social...

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Somewhere over the Alps...

A strictly vegetarian airliner crashes during a storm. A large portion of the passengers and crew receive serious brain damage, while a few are mostly unharmed. With so little food on-board, these few are given a choice: Eat the others, or do the morally correct thing and try to survive on what they...

A dolphin was arrested for weed possession.

Cop: Is this your Marijuana, sir?

Dolphin: No sir, it's for my cousins. Strictly for medical porpoises.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

George and Muriel died and went to Heaven...

They had been married for well over 70 years, and both were in excellent health. Their bodies were just too old to continue and they passed away of natural causes at the ripe age of 106 and 108, hours apart. Their longevity was due to the strictly healthy diet Muriel kept them on.

St. Peter ...

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

Why did the guy wear sweatpants to his prom?

Strictly Ballroom.

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

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