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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

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What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes,” the woman said. “We have verbal sex everyday.” “Verbal sex?I think you mean oral sex” the doctor said. “I mean verbal sex.” the woman said.

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’ ”.

What do you call a gun owner trying to intervene in an active shooter situation?

Two active shooter situations

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What do you call a sexually active Bison?

Bisexual

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

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Only sexually-active people will get this

STD.

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What does being sexually active and being at school have in common?

If you miss a period you're in trouble.

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

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A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, s...

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An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.

His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a hooker for a final hurrah.

They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man “Yo...

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

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I'm not currently sexually active because i'm saving myself...

...Some Money

Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been a post for a year.




Happy new year from Australia

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How can you tell if a mechanic has an active sex life?

One of his fingers is perfectly clean.

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Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

What do you call an politically active Ewok ?

An Ewoke

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Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
My puppet: No.

I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

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My doctor asked me, "Are you active sexually?" [NSFW]

I told her, "No, I just kind of lay there."

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon....

that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
...

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What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

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Not very sexually active (NSFW)

An OBGYN walks into the room that her patient has been waiting in. Test results show that the patient is pregnant. However, the patient is unaware of this.

The doctor is surprised and confounded because during the medical questionnaire done earlier that day, the patient stated that she is no...

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

r/Jokes is looking for a new Mod

We are getting little swamped with the queues and our lives, we could really use the help of a qualified individual.

Up-mods and down-mods don't matter in this thread, so don't try to push your app to the top.

Requirements:

* **An Active User** Being a Mod is hard work and will...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

The most active user on reddit:

[deleted].
Seriously this guy is everywhere.

My dad was a very active advocate for women's rights...

My mom wanted to be as well, but my dad wouldn't allow it.

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A man and his wife go to a sex counselor..

"Doc, our sex life has gone to the dogs. We barely do anything more than missionary anymore and only once a month... if that", says the wife.

The doctor hms and haws.

"Have you two ever tried spicing things up with a sex game?" he asks.

"Like what?" the husband asks.

The ...

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A man goes to the doctor and says he wants an STD test for his daughter.

“But she’s only ten” says the doctor, “is she sexually active?”

“Not really, she mostly just lies there” he replies.

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Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

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Doctor Joke

Doctor: What brings you here?

Patient: My car hahaha

Doctor: \*writing in chart\* not sexually active

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A man had 3 testicles.

There was a boy who started developing an extra testicle as he hit puberty. Gradually, it grew to full size and when he became sexually active by the age of 18, the extra testicle led to embarrassing encounters with his partners.

After his 20th birthday, he realised that he had been ignoring...

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The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No ...

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

In this house we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to Alexa.

We're hoping she’ll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.

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One day a thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?" He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200.
To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says, "But shes got to have Herpes ...

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Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is ...

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

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The Good and The Bad

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.


Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.


Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.


Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser. ...

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
<...

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

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An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, “ Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?”

The man replies, “No, she’s like her mother. She just lays there.”

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A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you wer...

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NSFW: a man goes to his doctor

A very sexually active man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, you have to help me. My penis is extremely swollen and discolored"

The doctor takes a look and tells the man an amputation is required. Horrified the man leaves and seeks a second opinion, then a third, then a fourth. Each time t...

You can tell when a woman is pregnant

She tends to get a little ovary active.

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Dog Style

An 80 yr old man marries a 25 year old young woman.

He seeks Doctor's advice on the best way to deal with it.

Oldman: "Doc, I am 80 and am going to be sexually active again. What's the best way to have safe sex without getting heart attack...??"

Doc: "At your age , I highly reco...

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.

The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:

"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

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A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer

The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter.

"You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the othe...

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The retired Sargent goes in for his physical...

The doctor says, "You look pretty fit. You stay active, but I need to ask about your sex life. When was the last time you had sex?"
After thinking for a second... "2010." the Sargent says.
The doctor is flabberghasted. "2010?" He sputters.
"Well," says the sargent, looking at his watch, "si...

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A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.

After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be sexually active!"
"Sexua...

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I once met a homeless man

... And we had a small conversation. He said: "Every time there's a public marathon, I participate."

I replied: "Wow. You seem like a very active and sportive man despite being homeless."

He instantly said: "Nah, I just walk the whole race to get free water bottles."

A donut walks into a church and approaches the priest...

"Excuse me, Father," the donut says, "I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest - after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry - offers a warm smile in response. "That...

A JOURNEY FROM MAN TO MONK

There was once a man just like me and you. He woke up in the morning, went to work and enjoyed a beer with his friends in the evening.

One day the man was walking down an empty street when a young man jumped at him with a knife, stabbed him and took his money.

The man thought surely h...

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A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

Insuring the Army

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the ...

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Man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy and says 'I need a dozen condoms for my 11 year old daughter.'

Pharmacist- 'Your 11 year old daughter is sexually active?!?!?'

Man- 'Well not really, she basically just lays there like her Mother'

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Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness

So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...

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Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate a...

In our fight against garbage and overflowing landfills, I feel like we're under-utilizing our...

...active volcanoes.

Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the R...

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A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lay...

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A father walks into a pharmacy...

... goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" The pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies, "not really, she just lies there and cries."

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What do you call an angry black man?

Typical. What do you call an angry white man?


Active shooter.

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I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son.

The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."

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Heavy snow is causing delays at the airport

Many are stuck waiting for the one active runway.

After hours of sitting out in the takeoff que a voice calls out over the radio.

"Im so fucking bored."

After a few more moments of radio silence ground control responds. "Last transmission please identify".

The radio st...

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman...

Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Marry happily...

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Two inspectors enter a classroom...

...to see how active and intelligent the students were.



They both sit behind one of the kids. The teacher starts asking question, and the kid in front of the inspectors raises his hand at every question, but the teacher avoids him, knowing that he's stupid.



After a few...

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r/Jokes is Looking for Mods!

Well guys, I need some help. With my new work schedule, busy life, and Reddits new over active spam filter, I am finding it hard to promptly respond to your request. Over the past 2 months I have had multiple mod messages go over 2 days without a reply, which I believe is unacceptable. I believe ...

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[Dark] A man walks into a pharmacy...

After looking at the shelves for a bit the man turns to the pharmacist and asks: *"I'm looking for contraceptives for my 10 year old daughter. What would you recommend?"*

The pharmacist looks in shock *"Your daughter is 10? And she's sexually active?"*

The man chuckles at the notion *"...

A computer joke...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

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Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.


A: How is your married life?

B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…


A: How did you convince him to do that?
<...

Why did the pop band get cancer?

They were radio active.

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How your grandfather died

As Johnny walked into the funeral home to pay his respects to his recently deceased grandfather, he saw his grandmother sitting off to the side and went over to talk to her.

A little taken back by his grandfathers sudden passing, he piped up and asked his grandmother "what happened to such a ...

A chap called Ohm...

A chap called Ohm was the proud owner of a classy Rolls Royce Phantom. Now, Ohm was a very eccentric lad, so he decided to speed on the motorway with his best pal Mark. Ohm then proceeded to blaze a trail down the motorway.
After 5 minutes Ohm sped past an active police car, and eventually got ca...

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Redneck Birth control

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".

"Well, is your daughter sexually acti...

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