UPJOKE
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How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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A mother found out condoms in her daughter's dresser. She is obviously concerned, so she asks her, "Are you sexually active?" The daughter replies...

Not really, mom. I just sort of lie there.

Is this sub still active???

I haven't seen a post all year...

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

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My doctor asked if I was sexually active.

I answered "I use Reddit" and he put down no.

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

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I was first sexually active at 10.

It's now 10:30, and my arm hurts.

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about m...

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

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I am sexually active

i run on the treadmill and masturbate at the same time.

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

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Doctor: are you sexually active?

**me:** No, I kinda just lie there.

**wife:** THIS- *[takes off doctor costume]* this is why we never role play anymore!

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A sexually active cock

A couple goes to visit a farm. A farmer shows them around and points toward a chicken and says, "This chicken is amazing, he can have sex 300 times a day."

The wife glances meaningfully to the husband and says, "Wow, what an amazing cock."

He husband, wisely, asks the farmer, "But is i...

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

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A girl comes home from college for the first time.

After asking her about classes and friends and clubs and the dorm, her mother finally works up the courage to ask "so now that you're away from home and on your own, are you sexually active?"

The daughter says "no". And the mom releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding. Then the da...

When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime

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An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow

An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow. Since his wife passed away years ago and he has not been active since then, he decides to take the opportunity and go the red-light district.

After a short negotiation on the street, he follows a tall, skinny lady into a darkened hotel room. Fuck...

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Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

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Only sexually-active people will get this

STD.

Two very active seniors

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A seventy year old man goes to the doctor...

A seventy year old man is at the doctor’s office for a routine checkup. After the examination, the doctor tells the man that he is in great physical condition for his age, in fact amazing condition for a man even half his age. The doctor asks how he does it, and the patient tells him that it’s good ...

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

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What do you call a sexually active couch?

A pullout.

How to stay lean and fit

I once asked a 60 year guy what his secret was for staying lean and fit was?

He said, "find a fun lady, who's active, likes to do stuff outside ... and is a terrible cook."

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

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As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That’s right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

Because the government can't seem to get out their own way and are actively hindering relief efforts, evangelicals have a point still going to church

Only God can help them now

I am an animal lover and activist.

I actively put animals on my plate and I love to eat them.

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I'm not currently sexually active because i'm saving myself...

...Some Money

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