UPJOKE
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Free Jokes

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

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Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont

vatch porn so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

"free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheese...

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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

Giving you another sibling for FREE!

(Bring your mom or it won't work)

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

I went to a bar that had free drinks for paraplegic ladies

The place was crawling with women

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?

Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works!

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I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

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Free oranges

A young teenager was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the teen.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walki...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

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Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos

Yeah, you're getting paid, but it destroys your asshole

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Free man

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to...

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

While flying to LA, a flight attendant offered me some free head phones

I asked her how she knew my name was Phones?

I support the movement for freeing the nipple...

In its favor, I see two clear points....

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

What does alcohol free beer taste like?

Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.

I'm cancer free!

Now I'm dating a girl with different zodiac sign.

What did the man do when he had the opportunity to win a free hot dog?

He relished it.

A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast

Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

There are two ways to free oneself of the cycle of reincarnation.

One is to achieve enlightenment and become one with the universal energies. The other is to be reincarnated as a cheetah, which only ever reincarnate as other cheetahs, effectively removing oneself from the the cycle. >!Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.!<

How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are...

I’m giving away free yodelling lessons

So please form an Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue

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Free airplane ride

A group of engineering students received an invitation for a free flight from a local airline. Once onboard, the captain announced that the plane they were on was built by recent graduates from that very same school.

When the announcement concluded, the students looked around and, one by one...

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

Go bungee jumping for free!

No strings attached.

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Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?

No strings attached.

Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell ...

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

I always hear people chanting "free Britney!"

That sounds awesome, how do I go about acquiring one for myself?

Free drinks

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see...

Gluten free

Diner: “ We don't eat dairy, eggs, meat, soy, gluten, or nuts. What do you recommend we get?

Waitress: “Out.”

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Free bicycle

I bought a bicycle which I hardly used. As a socially responsible citizen, I put it out on the porch against a board saying "free bicycle ".

A week passed and no one took it. My friend said "Dude no on wants free stuff, just chain it to the post and it will be stolen in a jiffy".

I fol...

It used to be free.

Re-pumping up your car tyres at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.

Why you ask?

Inflation.

Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

Free trip to Europe

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful....

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If sex were free...

We'd ALL be screwed.

(saw in a bathroom stall)

HaPpy hUMp dAy

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Contest! The Three Funniest Jew Jokes get a free Christmas hat [US & Canada Only]

We're jews over at Rally Flip Cap and we think Jewish jokes are hilarious. We also think ironic prizes are hilarious. So to celebrate Hanukkah we're going to giveaway 3 Merry Christmas hats!

The 3 most upvoted jokes get this hat for free, completely free, including the shipping, no hidden fe...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Nothing is free

There Is Nothing Free On Earth, Even To Listen Attentively, You Must Pay Attention

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Henry Winkler sits down on an airplane. The flight attendant comes over and ask him if he would like free head phones.

He responds “Sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

Did you hear about KFC's Easter promo, a free baby bird with purchase?

A moist owlet with every meal!

Free Organic Pathologist Test

Go up to a tree and take a leak:

* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on your s...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

A Free Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow....

Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

...or does he have toupée?

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?

She thought it'd be sweet.

I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

Cremation isn't free

You gotta urn it

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me

Than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex!, Sex!, Sex!, Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!"

Then her friend said, She mean "666-3629."

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

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People say the best things in life are free

Cleary they have never had sex

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

PSA Free Food

Just wanted to let everyone know this. Around where I live, I have noticed that restaurants are putting their extra food in a bag and placing on a table. You can just come in and grab one. Now you won't know what's in it until you open in your car but it's can be a nice surprise and it's free.
...

Today I gave out free coriander to those in need.

It was an act of cilantropy.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04



Guess she couldn't find the time.

Free to a good home. Sooty, Sweep and Sue glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.

Free Meals

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes, "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

The Best Things In Life Are FREE!*

\*Plus Shipping & Handling - Lifetime Warranty - No Refunds No Returns

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I asked my asexual friend how he is so care free in life...

He told me he literally doesn't give a fuck

who decided to call it ‘gluten free’…

and not ‘against the grain’?

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I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.

She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

7/11 isn't giving out free slurpees this year!!

Instead of offering free slurpees they will be offering discounted gas at a price of $7.11

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

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I'm not gonna draw a nude picture of you for free.

but I'll do it for exposure.

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

All my life i thought air was free

Until i bought a bag of chips

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

A band of Superheroes walk into a Gluten-free, Soy-Free, non-GMO, organic, fat-free restraunt....

Just Ice was served.

I put an old lawn mower out on the street, with a “FREE” sign next to it.

Somebody came and took the sign, but left the mower.

Guess I should have been more specific…

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

A Free Ride

Mark and his wife Marcie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Mark would say, "Marcie, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marice would say, "I know, Mark, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This year Mark and Marcie went to the ...

Why is Juneteenth (June 19th) the best day to have the Neighborhood BarBQ?

Because everyone is free that day!

A man goes to his friend for a free eye-test...

On the first visit he tells him:


"My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful"


"Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own," says the friend, without examining him.


On the second visit he tells his friend his v...

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