The anti vaccine society just stopped accepting members which is sad…

People are dying to get in .

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb?

Closed, question seems like off-topic

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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Why can't ISIS teach it's members driver's Ed and sex Ed in the same day?

Their camel's get too tired!

TIL that the wife of one of the members of the band Chumbawumba had to take a brief hiatus from her breakdancing job while she was pregnant and nursing.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts?

Because they have a right to bare arms!

r/Jokes now has over 20 million members

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

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What do we call French family members having sex with each other?

In-c'est

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 20k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the door.

The Army personnel occupied the building and ensured no one could enter.

The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses.

The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.

Did you hear about the boat full of gang members?

It was a blood vessel.

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

There was a terrible mix up at the Make a Wish foundation

The band members of the Cure ending up meeting about 100 kids in one week

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What is it called when two female members of a royal family have sex?

Princest.

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

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Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

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I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

Recently, Qanon members are being called Zs instead of Qs.

They are now blowing up Social Media saying “We are Not-Zs.”

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Why are KKK members terrible mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

Our clan has a tradition of naming our children after deceased family members.

We named our son "Grandpa."

Interesting Parliaments.

Member of Parliament: Mr speaker, half of the members in this house are stupid.

Speaker: Honourable member please withdraw that statement.

Member of parliament: My apologies Mr speaker, half of members in this house are not stupid.

Speaker: Thank you, lets move on.

if you replace all the members of a band one by one over time is it still the same band ?

Yes

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

What do you call a book club that's been reading the same book for years - and yet the members still have no clue as to what it's about?

An Evangelical Christian church.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin’s at the music shop.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

A man walks into his house and there are many family members in his living room

He says “If I where a betting man I would say that y’all are here to stop me from doing something” and a relative speaks up and says “you are a betting man. This is your intervention”.

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

There's a gang in my area...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...

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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were ...

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

We are a group of young mothers. One of our members, Tate, moved away.

We lack Tate very much.

My family members are like good memes...

They’re all dead

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Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the...

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Poor Stanley!

Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Jim arrived first...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist

A Therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members ...

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