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Members Jokes

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Six SCOTUS members walk into a bar

And the bartender says, “Get the fuck out of here.”

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

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I've had sex with members of my family...

...my wife and my ex-wife.

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't change anything.

How many r/Jokes members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. Even though It's already changed hundreds of times before.

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Why do band members take viagra before a show?

To make them rock hard for a long time!

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

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I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

r/Jokes now has over 20 million members

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

Some Taliban members are playing bingo, but stop when someone yells:

B-52

When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

Two band members go on a date to a dock…

The boy, a trumpet player brings his instrument to play a song for his date. As the song proceeds, the crew members on all the ships begin to run away. Confused, the boy stops. A crew member from a ship nearby runs past them shouting “Run!”
The two ask why. As he is running away, the sailor yells...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts?

Because they have a right to bare arms!

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So there’s two new members of the gun club…

…they go up to one of the oldest members and ask; “could you tell us a favourite hunting story of yours?” The old man replies; “why sure! We were out in Africa hunting some good game, it was a hot day. I was sitting up next to a tree when all of a sudden a lion jumped out at me and went ROAAARRR!!! ...

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

A few members of the Obsessive Compulsive support group decided to start a band

The called it OCDC

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

Why are KKK members terrible mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

Why is ISIS recruiting young members?

Because all they have right now are Boomers.

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

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A priest and a rabbi are spending a day off together at a lake..

Since they're alone, they decide to swim naked as god intended..

Just as they leave the water, two busses pull up, parking right in front of them. Members of the priest's parish pour out of the first bus, members of the rabbi's parish pour out of the other.

In shock, with nowhere to h...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

Did you hear about the boat full of gang members?

It was a blood vessel.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

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Members of the KKK are always horny

Because Boyz in the Hood are always Hard

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

Recently, Qanon members are being called Zs instead of Qs.

They are now blowing up Social Media saying “We are Not-Zs.”

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Flat earth society member: We have members all around the globe

Me: Say that again slowly...

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the door.

The Army personnel occupied the building and ensured no one could enter.

The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses.

The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

Why do PETA members suck at multi-tasking?

They cant bring themselves to kill two birds with one stone.

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Some say members of ISIS fuck kids...

...But they actually let the goats grow up first.

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There are 2 types of r/Jokes members

ones who steal jokes, and dirty fucking liars

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

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Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Leaving his house, Adam Sandler found himself accosted by members of the paparazzi. “Mr. Sandler, what are you doing in preparation for Passover?” They asked.

“No chametz,” he replied.

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What is it called when two female members of a royal family have sex?

Princest.

Why do Mexican gang members usual flunk school?

Cause they don't turn in their essays.

A Preacher is at his dying church members bed

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something

The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer
"What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked

The man looks a...

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