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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

When the curator of The British Museum was asked how they felt about exotic & foreign art exhibitions, he replied...

We could take them or leave them

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

What do soldiers that go on foreign brothels get?

PTSTDs

Did you know trading in foreign currencies is like going to the restroom?

This morning when I closed my position, I'd lost five pounds.

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Two foreign men sitting next to each other in a public bus

After a couple minutes guy 1 asks guy 2
'hey what are you doing there?'

Guy 2 replies
'I am masturbating'

Guy 1
'yeah I see that but why?'

GUY 2
'because it makes fun'

GUY 1
'yeah I know but could you please use your own penis? I have to leave at the next s...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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A Captain in the Foreign Legion

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long w...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

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US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

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A military ship pulls into a foreign port for shore leave

Before they all depart, the commanding officer makes an address to the crew:

"In this city, half of the women have AIDS and half the women have COVID. Given the knowledge of these facts, what will your course of action be here?"

"I'll just fuck the ones who cough, sir"

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

I before e

Except for when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

In the middle of his administration, President Trump went to give a speech to a prison…

Trump’s speech writer had everything ready for him except for the opening line.

“How about ‘My fellow Americans..’” Trump suggested.
“I’m sorry Mr. President but many prisoners may be of foreign nationality.” His speech writer warned.

“Okay. Then ‘My fellow citizens…’”

“I’...

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A lady sitting across the room from a foreigner (NSFW)

Lady ,"did you just Jizz in my eye???"
foreign Man "I am sorry madam, I am not used to your customs here,
you see, I come from afar"

I don't like the word xenophobia...

It sounds so foreign

My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language?

I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk

The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition

Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

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A 40-ish lady is checking out at the grocery store, and the 18 yo bagger asks her if she needs help out to her car

She says "yes", so the young guy pushes her cart into the parking lot. As they approach her car, she leans over to the young man and says, "You know, I have an itchy pussy."

The young man responds, "Ma'am, you'll have to point it out. All these foreign cars look the same to me."

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

A homeless man was urinating beside a car

A man was urinating beside a car, when a foreigner spots him

He comes up to him and confronts the homeless man in broken English

Foreigner: "Wouldn't the police hold you?"



Homeless man: "No, we have to hold it ourself"

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

Danny joined the French Foreign Legion to forget a girl.

Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to forget was Sandy.

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking none...

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

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I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.

What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?

An alarm system.

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

Mexican book store

Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

What was Obama's foreign policy like?

It was the very model of a modern multilateral.

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries

to rich people in poor countries.

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

A foreign doctor opens a new clinic

A foreign doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."...

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Chinese sewer workers meet in a foreign pub one night.

Whilst they’re talking, they realise that they work in the same county/state, they then realise that they work in the same city, shortly afterwards they realise that they worked incredibly close, in the same area!
Then, one of them, being completely inebriated says:
“All this time, we’ve been...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

If a foreign diplomat recovers from COVID-19...

Does he have diplomatic immunity?

My wife always wanted a son with a foreign sounding name.

So, after she
gave birth she decided on Mark but
with a C.
I just went now to register his name!
l am so excited on my way home to see
little baby Cark!

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

The band members of Foreigner have been in quarantine since this pandemic started

They have fevers of 103F

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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less." "Less?" I've never heard of it," the bartender replies. "Is it a foreign drink or something?" "I don't have any idea," the guy says. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should try drinking Less."

Why do schizophrenic foreigners always get confused with the Israel-Palestine conflict?

Because they never know what is real and what is not.

Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

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A foreign father and son walked into a mall for the first time...

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "*What is this Father?*"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "*Son, I have never seen anything like this ...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

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Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

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„I would rather have 100 nazis as costumers than one foreigner.“

-James, 52, mortician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

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An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.

Reaching u...

When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

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A man enters a restaurant in a foreign country...

...he doesn't speak the language, but he tries to order breakfast anyway. He makes a slicing motion, then moves his finger like he is spreading butter on a slice of toast. The server understands this and notes it down.

He then clucks like a chicken and pretends to crack and beat an egg. The s...

So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foreign Legion recruit asks about sex

Jean Pauls life is going nowhere so he decides to look for adventure and decides to join the Foreign Legion. After six weeks exhaustive training he is feeling sexually frustrated so asks the Corporal what options the troops have for sex.

The corporal listens to him and tells him if he wants ...

(NSFW) Dave went to a business trip in a foreign country...

after meeting with some of his collegues they decided to go drinking in some local bars. They got pretty wasted and hopped from bar to bar. The next day, Dave wakes up in his hotelroom with a massive hangover but without his wallet and passboard. The last thing he could remember was that he had been...

Why do perverts pick Latin as their first foreign language?

It's vulgar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

two foreigners in america are applying for citizenship

They're lined up outside the Citizenship and immigration office, along with many others, not wanting to risk deportation now that Trump is in office.

>Guy #1: I've had enough of this waiting, save my place, I'm going to shoot Donald Trump myself.

several hours later he returns.
<...

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here

Wanting to know what love is

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

What kind of cars do foreigners drive?

4Runners.

When I eat a bunch of a foreign food

my gas smells different, it's like farting in another language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

A man joins the French Foreign Legion...

During the training, they spend all their time in the desert. Nothing but desert day after day, week after week, marching up and down dunes and across flat yellow plains.

Eventually one of the men starts sobbing. Another man turns to him and asks what is wrong.

"I joined the Legion to...

If being American is all about being free

Then our healthcare is very foreign

(Sorry for bad joke)

What do you call a wordplay that's so good it gets told everywhere, even in foreign country's?

a pundemic

All the rich idiots in my town drive BMWs.

It's the only foreign car they can spell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a foreigner, why do people make fun of the way I curse?

This one guy at work in particular. He's a scumbag, a real piece of fuck.

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many ...

I went to college to study foreign affairs

And now I know how to cheat on my wife with a russian beauty!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

If a satirical website can dupe the president of the US

imagine what foreign intelligence agencies do to him.

What is the band “Foreigner’s” favourite car to drive?

A Toyota 4 -Runner

Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife?

Because some jobs American's just won't do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the election is getting closer..

It's important to make sure your Viagra says "Made in the USA".

We don't want foreign countries meddling in our erections.

A girl walks into a bar and notices a large attractive dark man talking to his friends in a thick foreign accent.

The girl walks up to the man and says:
"I love your accent, where are you from?"

"I'm Liberian" replies the man

"Oh I'm sorry" Whispers the girl. "ᴵ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵃᶜᶜᵉⁿᵗ, ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᶠʳᵒᵐˀ"

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

Try to post on Reddit is like being foreign at a Trump rally

No matter how well you follow the rules, you always end up getting removed.

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

Don't have a clue

So I usually hear this joke in another language but let's see how it's received in English.

A foreigner is traveling in the city. He asks a guy on a nearby bench "excuse me, what time is it?" The guy shrugs and says "I don't have a clue".

So he asks another guy sitting nearby, "excuse ...

As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.

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