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Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

North Korean citizens believe they live in the best country in the world because the government and the media brainwash them.

When every American citizen knows that America is the best country in the world.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

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Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?

They turn blue.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

[LIGHTLY POLITICAL] North Korea is a horrible nation to its citizens, why can't it be more like South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul.

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What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

The russian general secretary, Leonid Brezhnev, calls in the head of the FSB, Sergey Beseda.

Leonid says "How many Ukrainian born citizens do we have in the russian federation?"
Sergey says "About 5 million."
Leonid says "How many do you think would leave if allowed to?"
Sergey says "About 50 million."

Just got the results back from my Canadian citizens test.

I got an eh.

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An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”

The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”

They finish off a couple...

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

What do you call Australian senior citizens?

Boomer-angs

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech

But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.

Because of the Corona virus: North Korean citizens

aren't allowed to leave the country, for the time being.

The Soviet Potato Crop

The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad. The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led an attorney, a doctor and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask each if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The attorney wishes to face the sky. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the attor...

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A man and a woman were having lunch at the Senior Citizens Center...

..while talking, found out they both liked to fish. He asked her if she would like to go out in his boat that afternoon.

So they headed out and as they headed down the river, they came to a fork. He said to her, "Up or Down?" She ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love. A while l...

What happens to Asians when they become American citizens?

They get very disoriented.

What do you call 32 British citizens?

A full set of teeth.

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

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3 senior citizens are having a conversation in the waiting room of their doctor

They are all pretty old, 80+ years, and they all shaking, they have tremors.

One says to the others "It's true that when you get old your body isn't worth much more, it's useless!"

The other says "You are right, look at me how much I shake!"

They all agree and say they also sh...

Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.


They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police fin...

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...

And Monica blew it.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy...

But won't cross the street to vote.

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

“Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”



The third man chimes in ...

Why do citizens of Prague rarely get scammed?

Because they always double Czech

How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one...they hold the light bulb and the world revolves around them.

The population is running low so the government decides to pay its citizens $50,000 for every child they have at that time

A man hears the news and says to his wife, "I have a kid with my girlfriend. I'm going to bring him so we can add him to our 4 kids." He goes for the kid and when he comes back, he only finds one of his kids remaining.

Stunned, he asks: "Where are the other 3?"

"You are not the only ...

I know how to solve the homeless problem and make bums into hard working citizens!

Give them construction worker helmets. They already have the standing around doing nothing part down!

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

What flavor of chips do the citizens in the Elder Scrolls like the most?

Cyrodiill Pickle

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