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Citizens Jokes

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why are you asking me? Am I being detained?!?

North Korean citizens believe they live in the best country in the world because the government and the media brainwash them.

When every American citizen knows that America is the best country in the world.

Frank and Fiona Lames were very upstanding citizens.

They worked very normal 9-5s, were involved in the community, and cheered for [insert reader’s favorite sports team].


The lovely couple had two teenage children: Felicity and Felix. The two youngsters were nothing like their parents. They went were pranksters and miscreants, always getti...

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

Did you hear about the late barber who specialised in colouring senior citizens' hair?

He dyed an old man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

I am trying to become a Canadian citizen and took the citizenship test yesterday.

The first question was “Who’s sorry now?”

What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?

They turn blue.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

What do you call Australian senior citizens?

Boomer-angs

Just got the results back from my Canadian citizens test.

I got an eh.

What do you call 32 British citizens?

A full set of teeth.

Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house...

Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”

The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”

They finish off a couple...

In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech

But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.

What happens to Asians when they become American citizens?

They get very disoriented.

Forgetful senior citizens

There was an elderly couple who were in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were having lunch at the Senior Citizens Center...

..while talking, found out they both liked to fish. He asked her if she would like to go out in his boat that afternoon.

So they headed out and as they headed down the river, they came to a fork. He said to her, "Up or Down?" She ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love. A while l...

Why do citizens of Prague rarely get scammed?

Because they always double Czech

Why are Sovereign Citizens bad at basketball?

They're always travelling and they don't recognize the court.

The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Chicago citizens surveyed on sex in showers

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the show...

Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.


They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police fin...

[LIGHTLY POLITICAL] North Korea is a horrible nation to its citizens, why can't it be more like South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 senior citizens are having a conversation in the waiting room of their doctor

They are all pretty old, 80+ years, and they all shaking, they have tremors.

One says to the others "It's true that when you get old your body isn't worth much more, it's useless!"

The other says "You are right, look at me how much I shake!"

They all agree and say they also sh...

How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one...they hold the light bulb and the world revolves around them.

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

I applied to a citizen of Finland

In the online application there was an odd question. "Are you a nice guy", it said, I thought it was an odd question but I clicked yes. Immediately I was directed to a page saying I was directed to the back of the queue for citizenship, I was confused but I read later in the application and it said....

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy...

But won't cross the street to vote.

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

I know how to solve the homeless problem and make bums into hard working citizens!

Give them construction worker helmets. They already have the standing around doing nothing part down!

What flavor of chips do the citizens in the Elder Scrolls like the most?

Cyrodiill Pickle

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