UPJOKE
wordsentencereferentsubjectpredicatemidtermconditionfull termtenureperiodtimephrasesessionunderstandingverb

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

In medical terms...

If someone dies while climaxing, is it considered dead on arrival?

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

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My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

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Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

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Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

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Why did President Obama get two terms?

Because every black man gets a longer sentence.

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

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The world needs better terms...

Like who called it 'beard trimming and hair cutting' and not ladscaping?

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Arguing with women is like reading general terms.

Just click "Agree".

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What is 6.9 in sex terms?

It’s when you two are 69ing that gets interrupted by a period.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

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Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff ...

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Damn girl. Are you Apple’s terms and conditions?

Because I don’t give a fuck what you’ve got to say

Im really bad at culinary terms,

Char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch.

It's all Greek to me.

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A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom’s friend asks what’s wrong and the groom explained, “After sex the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and left a 50 on the pillow without thinking.”

The friend says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll get over it. She can’t think you’ve been saving yourself all this time.”
...

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments?

Gnomenclature

What was the meeting of the trigonometric terms called ?

The Sine Convention

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

I don't want to end the year on bad terms with anyone

.. so apologize to me.

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What are the contractual terms by which gig workers agree to get fucked in the ass by corporations?

just the tip

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

My wife says I'm obsessed with terms of regulation

To prove her wrong I went on a yoga holiday in Prague.
It was a series of Czechs and balances.

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

I don't understand most terms used on Reddit

And I'm s/o sick of it

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

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