UPJOKE
wordsentencesubjectmidtermconditionfull termtenureperiodtimephrasesessionunderstandingverbfuturenoun

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

An old man sees a booth for helicopter rides for $50 at the county fair.

He says to his wife, “I’m getting up there in age, and I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter.”

His wife says, “absolutely not. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. You don’t need to ride in a helicopter.”

The next year at the fair, he sees the helicopter booth again and he asks again. The conver...

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

A Round of Golf

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, *"Say, we're about even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rooster was looking to furnish his roost with cockle shells

And his assistant asked “in terms of a supplier, do you want me to call the guy from Miami Beach, the guy from Hawaii, or the guy from Hermosa Beach? They all have great prices on cockle shells”

The rooster shrugged and said “any cockle dude will do”

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man strikes a good conversation in a bar with a stranger.

After a few hours of chatting about good quality whiskey, the stranger says:



“Hold up, i have a bottle from the 1800s and i never got to open it. Tonight seems like a good occasion, lets go have a swig of it.”



The young man, already quite drunk, agrees to the stranger...

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

On his evening walk...

... Tony finds an ancient pottery bottle half buried in the silt down the river next to an old rusted-out van. Carefully examining the bottle, he notices that it still has a stopper in it, and there is some kind of writing etched around the neck of the bottle. Using his shirtsleeve, Tony gently beg...

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

Stroke Play

A teenager, his father, and his grandfather play golf together every weekend. One day they get paired up with someone different. They ask who it is and the manager tells them, “you’ll find out on the first tee”.

The group gets to the first tee and finds the most beautiful woman they’ve ever s...

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Almond Daiquiri

So there’s a doctor who would regularly go to the pub that was directly next to the hospital that he worked at. After some time, he got on first name terms with the barman, his name was Dick and Dick would always prepare the Doctor’s favourite drink before he would arrive, an almond daiquiri.
Th...

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.