No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?

Anyway, I need bail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what gives me butterflies no matter how many times I experience it?

Raising caterpillars

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

No matter how much I love cake...

Never gonna run around and dessert you

No matter how kind your kids are

German kids are kinder

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

No matter where you go, you will always find three things...

Food, music, and incompetent people who think they’re very good.

Reddit, no matter how much I love cake...

...I would never dessert you.

(Thanks Reddit for 4 years of fun facts, interesting stories, and new hobbies!)

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

No matter how big or small, you can make a difference.

It's called subtraction.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

No matter how much I brush, my hair just won't stay down...

Guess I'll have to condition it to do what I want.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

No matter where you go in the world...

There will always be a women there who has made £9750 a month working from home

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

no matter what

megamind will always have blue balls

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?"

It's always just "How did you get into my house?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Me : No matter how bad my past is, my future is bright.

Parents : Nah son, it's burning.

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.

But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets..

..It’s never going viral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how much I love freedom and democracy, I know I can never stand with the Hong Kong protesters again.

The CCP broke my fucking legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. T...

6ix9ine will escape prison no matter what.

Because mumle rappers never finish their sentence

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

No matter what State you live in, Louisiana is always close to it.

I guess you could say it's always close Bayou.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

I’m sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

No matter what, there is one sure way to make me throw up...

by playing darts towards the ceiling.

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

No matter what you think about Trump there is one thing you have to give him credit for...

...he really tries hard to end the worst presidency in history.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are out drinking late. One turns to the other and says "I'm going to hate going home. No matter how quietly I sneak into bed, my wife wakes up and starts nagging me". Other guy turns to him and says "I don't have that problem"

I come home, flip on the lights and yell "Honey! I'm home! Let's Fuck!" and she always pretends she's fast asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't eat chicken sandwiches... No matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends; every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn...

No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

No matter how worthless you may think you are, just remember; ...

...you are always worth something on the black market.

What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to?

Their nose

What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted?

"I don't know I just fly the drone"

Don’t you hate when you’re drunk and you can’t find the right hole no matter what?

I really hate putting my phone on charge sometimes

No matter how rough things get, always remember, never be ashamed of yourself...

That's your parents' job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

One advantage of telling a joke to a person who was born deaf is that no matter how old your joke is...

...you can be sure they never heard it before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me that no matter what, he'd never watch German porn...

When I asked why, he replied simply "All German businesses are family run."

No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out.

protect your credit card guys :)

No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..

there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..

Did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper,

It remains stationary...

What do you call the ghost of a dessert-chef who returns no matter how many times they're exorcised?

A boo-meringue

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.