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No Matter Jokes

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bred

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

No matter what I do as a mountain climber, I’m always the best.

I just can’t stop peaking.

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”

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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. T...

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It seems like no matter how much mascara I put on my penis....

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

What do you call a large bug that's very accepting of people no matter what?

Tolerant

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test

no matter how much someone says they like the movie the passion of the Christ

They always say the book was better

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

Reddit, no matter how much I love cake...

...I would never dessert you.

(Thanks Reddit for 4 years of fun facts, interesting stories, and new hobbies!)

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

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Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

No matter where you go, you will always find three things...

Food, music, and incompetent people who think they’re very good.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

No matter where you go in the world...

There will always be a women there who has made £9750 a month working from home

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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

No matter how big or small, you can make a difference.

It's called subtraction.

6ix9ine will escape prison no matter what.

Because mumle rappers never finish their sentence

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

No matter how much I brush, my hair just won't stay down...

Guess I'll have to condition it to do what I want.

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

No matter how popular they get..

... antibiotics are never going viral.

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

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No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

No matter what side of the political spectrum you tend to be on can we all agree...

That these Capitol Hill protestors are facing Trumped-up charges?

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?"

It's always just "How did you get into my house?"

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

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No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

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Don't eat chicken sandwiches... No matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends; every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn...

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

No matter what State you live in, Louisiana is always close to it.

I guess you could say it's always close Bayou.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

No matter what, there is one sure way to make me throw up...

by playing darts towards the ceiling.

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

No matter how worthless you may think you are, just remember; ...

...you are always worth something on the black market.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..

there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to?

Their nose

No matter how rough things get, always remember, never be ashamed of yourself...

That's your parents' job.

No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out.

protect your credit card guys :)

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No matter how much I love freedom and democracy, I know I can never stand with the Hong Kong protesters again.

The CCP broke my fucking legs

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

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