UPJOKE

No Matter How Jokes

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test

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It seems like no matter how much mascara I put on my penis....

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

Reddit, no matter how much I love cake...

...I would never dessert you.

(Thanks Reddit for 4 years of fun facts, interesting stories, and new hobbies!)

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

No matter how big or small, you can make a difference.

It's called subtraction.

Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

No matter how much I brush, my hair just won't stay down...

Guess I'll have to condition it to do what I want.

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

No matter how rad your Ferrari sounds

Niki's is Lauda!

No matter how popular they get..

... antibiotics are never going viral.

No matter how much you dance and prance...

The last two drops go down your pants.

Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?"

It's always just "How did you get into my house?"

Me : No matter how bad my past is, my future is bright.

Parents : Nah son, it's burning.

No matter how old you are...

...an empty wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

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No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

No matter how worthless you may think you are, just remember; ...

...you are always worth something on the black market.

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to?

Their nose

No matter how rough things get, always remember, never be ashamed of yourself...

That's your parents' job.

No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out.

protect your credit card guys :)

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

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No matter how much I love freedom and democracy, I know I can never stand with the Hong Kong protesters again.

The CCP broke my fucking legs

I’m sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

Did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper,

It remains stationary...

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted?

"I don't know I just fly the drone"

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

No matter how old you are or what team you're rooting for, I think we can all agree that every basketball fan looks up to Shaquille O'Neal.

Like literally, you have to look up to him.

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would ...

What do you call the ghost of a dessert-chef who returns no matter how many times they're exorcised?

A boo-meringue

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

One advantage of telling a joke to a person who was born deaf is that no matter how old your joke is...

...you can be sure they never heard it before

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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Nicholas the 16 year old boy always behaved like an asshole towards everyone around him. On top of that, he had a very bad smoking habit. No matter how many times people would advise him to quit, he'd never listen.

Nick, a teen; a dick, shun.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

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Two guys are out drinking late. One turns to the other and says "I'm going to hate going home. No matter how quietly I sneak into bed, my wife wakes up and starts nagging me". Other guy turns to him and says "I don't have that problem"

I come home, flip on the lights and yell "Honey! I'm home! Let's Fuck!" and she always pretends she's fast asleep.

Did you hear about all that corruption in the blind charities?

No matter how much you donate, *those kids will never see a dime.*

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

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Can we give a little appreciation to our silent friend

Can we give a little appreciation to our silent friend,


The one who is there at the best and worst times, offering us support and comfort, providing relief to our times of desperation, taking our shit and never complaining no matter how bad it is, and leaving us feeling relaxed and mu...

I wanted to make a joke about time travel

But no matter how far back I go there’s a repost already

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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