If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

The interviewer asked me what I’d been doing for the last 3 years

“Yale” I replied

He thought this was wonderful and he offered me the position

I replied “That’s fantastic. I really need this yob”.

To those who aren't getting the V or the D today, well,

Happy alentine's ay!

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

If I had 50 cents for every time I'd read a 50 cent joke today...

I'd have about tree fiddy.

What’d the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod. Any cod.


(Ayyy, my 8yo loved it. )

What'd the cannibal get for being late to dinner?

The cold shoulder!

If Elvis Presley was alive today, what do you think he’d be doing right now?

Scratching at the coffin lid, screaming “Let me out!”

Mom i'd like you to meet my new girlfriend

-Sorry, not good enough for you. You deserve better.

-But mom we're in love!

-I was talking to her

Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

H. Clinton and D. Trump are In a boat and the boat sprung a leak. Who is saved?

The world

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he de...

How’d you circumcise a hill-billy?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I'd like to have kids one day..

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that though.

I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I’d say it was pretty OK.

Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.

Grandpa told me to never go to a brothel. I'd see things, he said, I shouldn't see.

I still went there.

And it was true. So horribly, horribly true.

I saw grandpa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

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I’d like to die like my father died….

My father died fucking. My father was 57. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

- Richard Pryor

I asked 50 Cent for some advice

Now he is 48 Cent

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

3-D printers

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm pretty excited," the guy tells the bartender. "I just got one of those 3D printers. They say I can even make a gun on it." "Ha, I'm not impressed," the bartender scoffs. "I've had a canon printer for years."

Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

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A man walks into a sperm bank with $15,000 cash and says "I'd like to make a deposit please"

The receptionist tells him "Sir, this isn't that kind of bank, we can't help you with that."

The man goes "shit, that must be why I was getting funny looks when I made my deposit at the other place"

For blind people the alphabet actually goes, “A,B,D”

It’s because they can’t see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The eldest of my six kids came up to me earlier and showed me a drawing she'd done of her mum's vagina. It looked incredibly realistic.

Especially when the other five came along and ripped it to fucking pieces.

I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra, who ran with me for the last few miles of the marathon.

Your lack of support got me through.

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.



One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"



He replied: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

I’d like cancel my subscription to 2022

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and am not interested

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

Nerdy physics and psychology joke thought I'd share.

I heard that there is a new novel out about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog going on an adventure but I couldn't remember the name. Sounded good so I decided to go down to the library to see if they've got it. Looked around and couldn't see it so I asked the librarian if they have it in, she repl...

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

"How'd the book burning go last night?"

"It was all Reich"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

Why'd the Hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

In honor of “National Have Fun at Work Day (US)” I thought I’d write some jokes about unemployment..

But.. they don’t work.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Why’d the Turkey cross the road?

Cause it was the chickens day off.

Thanksgiving joke.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#.

He goes to the doctor and tells him this. The doctor says

The damage looks to B minor.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently...
She left me two days ago...

I'd been suspicious of my wife for awhile so tonight I asked her if I was the only one she'd slept with last year.

Thankfully she said yes. The others were 7s and 8s.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Actually, he just heard the words "Washington D.C." and "King" and got excited.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

Have a nice day :-D

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

I'm constantly getting tire'd just from lying down...

I probably should stop lying down on the street.

A Frenchman, an American, and a Bulgarian are asked what they'd do if they had a train car full of apples at their disposal.

The Frenchman replies, "Easy, I'd roam the streets of Paris and gift an apple to every beautiful woman I come across".

"I'd sell the apples, and buy even more with the profit", says the American. "Then sell those too, restock, resell, and so on, until I become an apple trillionaire".

S...

What’d you call a Grizzly with no teeth?

Gummy Bear

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mum can’t take a joke!

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

Wife: I have a bag full of used cloths I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your cloths is not starving.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

If you were a font, you'd be extra fine print

Because you're hard to read

Why do some women with allergies prefer men with E.D.?

Because they are "nut-free"

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."

They said I'd never make it as a screenwriter, but I just signed a multi-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

My D&D group found a walking stick that casts Column of Wind when you go fast.

It's a hurry cane.

Rock climbers are doing hard work.

Don't they Everest?

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

What do you get when you put air conditioning in Washington D.C

A.C.D.C

I’d make a skeleton joke for Halloween

But you wouldn’t find it very humerus.

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

What can you see in a D&D game, and the floor of a stripclub

A bunch of singles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our first date, she said she always thought the dick in a box gag was funny. I figured I'd try it out a couple of dates later, but before I could even open the box, she screamed...

..."Why the fuck are you proposing so soon?!" and ran away.

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

A cop asked me if I'd seen anything unusual.

I said "Yeah, once I saw a marlin with a hat." He said "I mean around here" and I said "No he was on the wall at a bar in Hawaii."

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

What d you call a blind vampire?

Count see

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

‌‌Can w‌‌e b‌‌an "‌‌Yo M‌‌omma" j‌‌okes f‌‌rom t‌‌his s‌‌ub? T‌‌hey're o‌‌ld, s‌‌tupid, a‌‌nd h‌‌ave b‌‌een d‌‌one b‌‌y l‌‌iterally e‌‌veryone h‌‌undreds o‌‌f t‌‌imes.

Just l‌‌ike y‌‌o m‌‌omma.

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

I’d tell you a joke about waiting for drinks at a party,

But I forgot the punch line.

Tenacious D: This is not the greatest river in the world..

This is just a tributary.

When my wife said she'd be with me until I was old and gray

I did not realize she meant 37

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

I put my d*ck in my blind girl's hand

She said no thanks I don't smoke..

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I promised to stop quoting oasis all of the time

I said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

"Where'd you get that gun?"

"This? I got it from T-Rex"

"T-Rex?"

"Yeah he's a small arms dealer nearby"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, ......

But, that would be beating a dead horse.

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord "‌‌nothing" i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells "‌‌gnihton", w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

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