UPJOKE
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If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but

You have to fight for your right to Part E!

I’d like to start a discount brothel

I’d call it, “Penny for Our Thots”

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving

But I think it builds character.

I told my sister she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high

she looked suprised

I was asked if I’d like to make a donation to help the local swimming pool

So I gave them a glass of water

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

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New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.

She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

A study found that 7 out of 6 studens got a D or worse in math

And in english the result was 5 out of 4 speak badder english than the rest.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

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My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

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Does anybody know what D word is?

It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

I asked my wife if i was the only one she’d ever been with.

She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A fortune teller told me that...

... in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

Why did homeless people vote for Obama?

Because he said he’d bring change.

What did Franklin D. Roosevelt say after he dropped his pickle?

"I want a new dill."

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

They said I’d never make it as a flasher….

I sure showed them!

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

My d*ck is so polite

It stands up so you can sit down

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

What day of the week do Mexicans play D&D?

THAC0 Tuesday

The interviewer asked me what I’d been doing for the last 3 years

“Yale” I replied

He thought this was wonderful and he offered me the position

I replied “That’s fantastic. I really need this yob”.

A man walks into a bar.

He orders 12 beers and starts drinking them really fast.

The bartender asks “why are you drinking those beers so fast?”

The man says “if you had what I had you’d be drinking fast too”

“What do you have?” asks the barkeep

“75 cents”

Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

How do you spell sand with only 3 letters?

S, A, and D.

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

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One day a blind man goes to restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef stea...

Joke I read on Facebook a few years ago.

A man came into a shop with a
'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I- I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s...

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier today. The lady if I''d like to masturbate in the cup....

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

What does D.A.M. Stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

When my mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much, I shot back, "Oh yeah!?"

"Just you wait!"

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

To those who aren't getting the V or the D today, well,

Happy alentine's ay!

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

When people see Superman flying they always ask "Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" Why can't they recognise him?

>! Because he's in d' skies !<

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

How’d you circumcise a hill-billy?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

I’d have £5 on the Dalai Lama

if i was a Tibetan man

Why did Rudolph go to the strip club?

He heard he’d see his good friend Dancer there.

How to get police to show up on time

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He p...

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I’d say it was pretty OK.

Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.

Did everyone hear about the new Beastie Boys documentary coming to Netflix?

The 5-part series will release parts A through D this winter. Upon completion, viewers are required to fight for their right to part E.

What’d the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod. Any cod.


(Ayyy, my 8yo loved it. )

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

What is the thing that a person with a PhD in philosophy would most likely ask you?

"Do you want fries with that?"

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

H. Clinton and D. Trump are In a boat and the boat sprung a leak. Who is saved?

The world

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A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

3 men are stranded in the desert

A blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair. They’d been traveling for hours and they crest a sand dune and to their surprise there’s a beautiful oasis. So all 3 men travel to it, the amputee jumps in, when he steps out he looks at his arm and it had grown back. Amazed he leads the blind man ...

A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar

As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”

Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up.

The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The reg...

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I’d like to die like my father died….

My father died fucking. My father was 57. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

- Richard Pryor

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

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A man’s grandfather dies

A man’s grandfather dies and leaves him a farm. But he doesn’t have any animals. He goes for a walk and sees a sign that says animals for sale. He walks up and says I’d like a hen. The guy says alright we don’t call them hens we call em pullets. What else do you need? I need a donkey he says ok but ...

No rooms available in the city

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

\- “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

\- “Well, I do have a double room wi...

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3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Balls

Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was licking its balls. The other guy said “I wish I could do that.” The dogs owner said “well… he’d probably bite you”.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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Guy walks up to a bartender

And points at a cup about 10 feet away sitting on the bar. Man says, “I’ll bet you $300 I can piss in that cup and not get a drop anywhere else.” Bartender thinks on it for a second and he responds, “you’re on.”

So the guy stands up on the bar, gets ready, and pisses everywhere. He hits the d...

‌‌Can w‌‌e b‌‌an "‌‌Yo M‌‌omma" j‌‌okes f‌‌rom t‌‌his s‌‌ub? T‌‌hey're o‌‌ld, s‌‌tupid, a‌‌nd h‌‌ave b‌‌een d‌‌one b‌‌y l‌‌iterally e‌‌veryone h‌‌undreds o‌‌f t‌‌imes.

Just l‌‌ike y‌‌o m‌‌omma.

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light.

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

I had to close my support group for men with E.D.

Nobody ever came.

The checkup

Bob went to a clinic for a checkup.

The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

\- “In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says:

\- “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before.

The man said,

\- “Not one l...

Am I a real polar bear?

Small white bear: Dad, am I polar bear?

Dad, a large polar bear: Yes, son, you are

S: A real polar bear?

D: Yes, a real polar bear

S: Is there any way I could be any other sort of bear?

D: No. 100% polar bear. Why, son?

S: 'CAUSE I'M FREAKING COLD!

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

What's the difference between a lady and a laddy?

A D.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

broccoli

So there is a kid working at Wollworth. One day he is working fruit and veg, he is putting out some apples and an old lady approaches him "excuse me, do you have any broccoli?"

The kid has a look around "I'm sorry, i think we have sold out at the moment, but we should have some more in tomorr...

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

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Man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview. The interview is nearing the end and going great when the interviewer asked the man “what do you think your biggest weakness would be?”

Man: “my biggest weakness? Well I guess I’d have to say my honesty.”

Interviewer: “your honesty? I don’t think you bein...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

I’d like cancel my subscription to 2022

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and am not interested

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Do your own work

Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything you want to say about that?” Her angry response: “Well, I paid my sister to write it, but I didn’t think she’d plagiarize!”

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I was heartbroken the day OJ Simpson was acquitted…

I’d already picked out which TV I wanted…

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

A farmer takes his pigs to the breeder

A farmer one day decides he’d like to multiply his pigs but only has two sows, so he takes them to a farm a ways away with some impressive hogs to breed them with.

He gets there on the first day and after the deed is done he asks the other farmer “Say, how will I know it worked” to which the...

What do you call a train full of toffee?

a chew chew train :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

3-D printers

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm pretty excited," the guy tells the bartender. "I just got one of those 3D printers. They say I can even make a gun on it." "Ha, I'm not impressed," the bartender scoffs. "I've had a canon printer for years."

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#.

He goes to the doctor and tells him this. The doctor says

The damage looks to B minor.

This guy is walking down the street with his best friend and sees a Golden Retriever licking its balls…

He says… “What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that!”

He friend said if I was you, I’d pet him first!

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

Why’d the Turkey cross the road?

Cause it was the chickens day off.

Thanksgiving joke.

What’d you call a Grizzly with no teeth?

Gummy Bear

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

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Little boy's wisdom

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minut...

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

Staring contest

My best friend said he’d beat anyone in a staring contest
Me: Anyone?
My friend: Anyone!
Me: Can you beat my pet in one?
My friend: Absolutely.
Me: Do it
My friend: Alright

No one tell him but I have a pet goldfish

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

‌‌A p‌‌irate g‌‌oes t‌‌o t‌‌he d‌‌octor a‌‌nd s‌‌ay, "‌‌I h‌‌ave m‌‌oles o‌‌n m‌‌e b‌‌ack a‌‌aarrrghh"

The d‌‌octor: "It's o‌‌k, t‌‌hey're b‌‌enign"

Pirate: "‌‌Count a‌‌gain, I‌‌ t‌‌hink t‌‌here b‌‌e t‌‌en!"

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

In honor of “National Have Fun at Work Day (US)” I thought I’d write some jokes about unemployment..

But.. they don’t work.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

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