UPJOKE

### Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

### How Newton came up with his laws

A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: “an object continues to move unless it’s stopped”.

Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, ‘MA’. He formed his second law: “force, F = MA”.

The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. H...

### A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.

I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had). He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

### Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

### Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground, then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, ...

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### Issac Newton died a Virgin

Issac Newton died a Virgin, this means I am one up on biggest scientific genius..

### Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

### Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

### What would you call Isaac Newton if he were a dog?

Isaac Snooton

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### What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

### Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

### What does grades and Newton's apple have in common?

They both fall to make people study

*drops mic*

### Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

### Me : what do you study? She : I'm science Student. Me : Can i ask a question? She : ask. Me : what is Newton's 3rd law?

She : Listen, im a science student not a law student.

perhaps we ought to abolish gravity.

It would be a weight off his shoulders.

### Why didn't Newton discover group theory?

The reasom is because he wasn't Abel

### A teacher asked a student," Tell me the 1st Law of Newton"

"I don't remember the whole line, just the last part"

"Ok tell the last part"

"... and this is called the 1st Law of Newton

### I'm going to name my unborn son "Newton"

He's going to be an absolute unit!

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### Isaac Newton died a virgin

The man who discovered gravity didnt even go down

### An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head

He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"

### Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

### Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies...

### What would be Issac Newton's job if he were alive today?

An Apple Store genius.

### Did you know that Isaac Newton was actually Canadian?

He had to have been. He proved that F=M, eh.

### Why did people hate talking to Newton?

Because he approached each conversation with too much gravity

### Newton walks into strip club

He met a girl ,calculated the tangent to her curve.

### What would Newton be called if he ever went into space?

New, since the concept of weight does not exist in space.

### Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.

They’re bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, noti...

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### What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

### Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664).

Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

### Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

### Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

### Isaac Newton would be spinning in his grave

But gravity won't let him

### Einstein, Newton and Pascal...

... were playing hide and seek. Einstein started counting so Pascal ran off to hide, but Newton simply drew a square on the floor and stepped in it. Einstein shouted "Ha, found you!", to which Newton simply replied "Nope, 1 Newton per square metre, you found Pascal!"

### Newton, Pascal and Einstein go to play hide and seek...

Newton, Pascal and Einstein go to play hide and seek. Einstein became the seeker, so Newton and Pascal ran to find their hiding spots. Einstein finished counting and went to search. He saw Newton still lingering around.

Einstein: "You're it!"

Newton: "No. I am Newton who is upon a 1 m^...

### Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

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### What did Newton's penis say, after seeing a nude girl on the beach?

Fuck your law of gravity, I am going up.

### Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

### History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

Everybody: ma

### An apple fell on newton. It was then he realized

He could not afford a stand

### Newton's fourth law.

Everything is better with bacon.

### Archimedes, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Arcimedes' turn to seek and so he starts counting down.

Pascal quickly runs off to some bushes nearby.

Newton starts walking, stops thinks for a while and them draws a large rectangle around himself in the dirt.

The time is up and Archimedes turns around: "Found you, Newton...

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### When I was a little kid my father told me that I'm gonna be like Isaac Newton

How the fuck did he know that I'm gonna die virgin?

### Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

### Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.......

### One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek...

Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,...

### Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek in heaven..

It was Einstein's turn to find them.

Pascal went and hide behind the bushes.

But Newton just stood on a 1M *1M tile..

Einstein came out and shouted "Newton, you are out!"

Newton replied " No, actually you are out, as I am Pascal"

Einstein: "Elaborate..."

"As...

### "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Gravity Falls

### if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

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### My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...

Well Newton died a lonely virgin so clearly I'm doing something right

### You’ve heard of Newton’s Law and Murphy’s Law, but do you know what Cole’s Law is?

Thinly sliced cabbage

### Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

### When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity.

He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.

### One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

### Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

### Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

### What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.

### Issac Newton is the reason i'm tired in the morning...

...since an object at rest tends to stay at rest.

Also, because it's too damn early this think about physics.

### Newton walks into a bar

The bar walks into Newton

### Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

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### Newton, Galileo, and Pascal walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and order drinks, the server tells them it will be a few minutes.

Newton suggests playing a game while they wait.

Pascal says, "how about hide and seek?"

Galileo agrees excitedly, "you two go hide, I will stay here and count to ten."
He closes his ey...

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All his life he studied the laws of attraction, without understanding the gravity of his situation

### Newton's 4th Law

A student in bed will remain in bed unless acted upon by a large enough panic

### What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

### Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek

It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.

Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.

"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein....

### Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

### How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

### Einstein, Newton and Darwin are having a small argument.

Newton, a bit annoyed, says "Guys, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation".

Einstein replies, "I think I do relatively understand it."

On which Darwin says, "Please don't let this evolve into a big fight, aight?"

### So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity...

...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple.

### Why did Newton invent calculus?

He wanted to test his limits.