A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?

I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

‌‌3 guy‌‌s ar‌‌e o‌‌n ‌‌a boa‌‌t an‌‌d the‌‌y hav‌‌e ‌‌4 cigarette‌‌s bu‌‌t nothin‌‌g t‌‌o ligh‌‌t the‌‌m with‌‌. Wha‌‌t d‌‌o the‌‌y do?

The‌‌y thro‌‌w on‌‌e cigarett‌‌e of‌‌f th‌‌e boa‌‌t an‌‌d th‌‌e whol‌‌e boa‌‌t become‌‌s ‌‌a cigarett‌‌e lighter.

‌‌I m‌‌et a‌‌ g‌‌irl a‌‌t a‌‌ c‌‌lub t‌‌he o‌‌ther n‌‌ight &‌‌ s‌‌he t‌‌old m‌‌e s‌‌he'd s‌‌how m‌‌e a‌‌ g‌‌ood t‌‌ime.

When w‌‌e g‌‌ot o‌‌utside, s‌‌he r‌‌an a‌‌ 4‌‌0 y‌‌ard d‌‌ash i‌‌n 4‌‌.8 s‌‌econds.

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the door.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
Just what in the hell did she mean?

My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names!

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

‌‌My g‌‌randfather s‌‌ays h‌‌e s‌‌urvived m‌‌ustard g‌‌as a‌‌nd p‌‌epper s‌‌prays d‌‌uring w‌‌ar.

He's a‌‌ s‌‌easoned v‌‌eteran.

My g‌‌irlfriend t‌‌exted m‌‌e "‌‌helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative".

Anybody k‌‌now w‌‌hat "‌‌ternative" m‌‌eans?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

theres something suspicious about the location of the g-spot

i just cant quite put my finger on it

What's the difference between the moon and the female g spot

We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon

B flat, E flat, and G flat walk into a bar. The bartender stopped them and said,

"We don't serve minors"

I heard that before he died, The Notorious B.I.G. wanted to become a woman.

His new rap name was going to be Trans Fat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

What's the difference between a golf ball and G Spot?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-phosphorus-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y and Z.

"Umm.. Why did you say phosphorus?"

Because it is the ....EL-EM-ENT-AL P.

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

Which playing cards are the best dancers?

King and queen of clubs

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

What does Area 51 and a g-spot have in common?

All these guys talking about what they’re going to do to it, but they can’t even find it.

Man asks for an unusual wish

A man meets a genie and the genie say I'll grant you one wish. The man says i wish I could be u.
The genie replies. Weurd wush, bit ull grant ut.

After wastin g money this christmas on a new 4K TV

I have a new year's resolution

it's 3840 x 2160.

Teacher: How else do you call a G flat?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Ges.

Student: I just said I don't know!

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."

My friend told me he used to have a good Notorious B.I.G. joke.

I said, "If you can't remember it, no biggie."

How do you pronounce the “g” in gif?

Like the “g” in garage.

Something bad will happen at the end of A B C D E F G H...

I JK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."





The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."



The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"



The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stut...

What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

Kenny G at a concert performance last night. "I've had this sax since high school."

It's the one I started learning Jazz on.

Which goes to show that if you blow something for 40 years, it'll always stay by your side.

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

There were reports of him fingering the minors.

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

How do you know Roy G. Biv was vaccinated?

He’s all over the spectrum.

G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs ...

I hate the new design of the quarter.

Then again, I have never liked change.

Mum asks Lucy what she wants for her birthday, Lucy replies I want a Barbie and a G.I Joe, mum says but Barbie comes with Ken.

No says Lucy, she comes with G.I Joe,

she fakes it with Ken.

I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," arg...

Before he was famous

Biggie Smalls to friend: I'm the greatest rapper of all time. Nobody can match my skills. Not even you.

Friend: wow, big ego.

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

Why couldn’t G-Unit get on the bus?

Because they didn’t have 50 Cent!

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

A man is walking down the street when he hears a commotion behind a tall fence.

As he gets closer he hears that it’s a large group of people all shouting in unison, “12! 12! 12! 12!”
The man, getting very curious, spots a small hole in the fence and decides to take a peek to see what’s going on.
Right as he puts his face up to the fence someone jabs their finger out the ...

What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

A phone call to G-d

One cheery day, a Texas billionaire was visiting Moscow on business. Russian president Putin was giving him the grand tour, Ukraine, St. Petersburg and finally the Kremlin.

The tall Texan saw on Putin's desk 3 different color telephones, a red one a blue one and a white one. The Texan quest...

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

Changing a "C" to a "G" can have fatal consequences...

because some Clockwork suddenly turns into a drive-by shooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

S G E G

Scrambled Eggs.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....

It helps keep her neck warm.

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

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