After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

C, E Flat and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says "sorry, no minors".

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

Whats the difference between a repeated joke and an original joke on reddit?

You would have read one before, but the other you wouldn't have Reddit yet.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

NSFW What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

How do you know Roy G. Biv was vaccinated?

He’s all over the spectrum.

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

Why isn't Barbie pregnant?

Ken came in a different box..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

​

​

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

​

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

​

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me o...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like tha...

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," arg...

G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs ...

I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Light travels faster than sound,

which is why some people appear bright until they open their fucking mouths

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The First Time!!!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex bef...

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

Some pronounce it as gif, others say gif but the correct way is actually

gif

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," t...

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

Once you open it, you realize it's half-empty.

My Girlfriend Left a Note On The Fridge

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place"
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

I dumped my lazy eyed g/f

I think she was seeing someone else

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

S G E G

Scrambled Eggs.

I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....

It helps keep her neck warm.

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

A stuttering dude was unemployed...

Once upon a time there was a stuttering lad who could not find work. Finally, he came across a book store with a "help wanted" sign. He went in and got a job.

His boss told him that he could not work in the store, but he would walk around the neighborhood selling books door to door. The b...

Changing a "C" to a "G" can have fatal consequences...

because some Clockwork suddenly turns into a drive-by shooting.

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...

Man, I am just sick and tired of gravity...

It's always bringing me down!

Guitar joke

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

G'day is so gay

How are Australian's so homophobic? G'day is basically gay with the D rammed into it

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

Why did the musician get sent to prison?

Because he touched A minor

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency...

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your he...

A little girl is visiting Santa Claus and asks for Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa, confused, replies "but doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?

G u knit?

T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

What do you use when you want to clean windows during a seance?

a squeegee board.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.

J.K. Rowling

today I noticed that the t key and the g key are awfully close together

that was the last time I ended my emails with regards

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things

A doctor is talk g with a little girl

The doctor says,
"You're like a honey bee!"
The little girl says,
"Why? Because I'm so sweet?"
The doctor replies,
" No, because you're dying at an alarming rate."

Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide.

Holly Holm declined the rematch though.

So, an E- flat, a G- flat, and a B- flat walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

Oh wait. I should be careful with these puns. I could get in treble.

Always a hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hol...

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

NSFW I broke the G-String while fingering a minor

I'm a guitarist

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Buses are like pornstars...

Nothing for an hour then they all cum at once.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What Is the Difference Between a ISIS Training Camp and a Iraqi School?

Can't Tell the Fucking Difference, I just fly the drone.