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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

What does Area 51 and a g-spot have in common?

All these guys talking about what they’re going to do to it, but they can’t even find it.

What would be Einstein's stage name if he were a rapper?

MC Square

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

C, E Flat and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says "sorry, no minors".

Mum asks Lucy what she wants for her birthday, Lucy replies I want a Barbie and a G.I Joe, mum says but Barbie comes with Ken.

No says Lucy, she comes with G.I Joe,

she fakes it with Ken.

Whats the difference between a repeated joke and an original joke on reddit?

You would have read one before, but the other you wouldn't have Reddit yet.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

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I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

NSFW What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

How do you know Roy G. Biv was vaccinated?

He’s all over the spectrum.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

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A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."





The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."



The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"



The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stut...

When I go outside there’s a lot of G R A S S.

Edit: This isn’t an inside joke. It’s an outside joke.

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

Why isn't Barbie pregnant?

Ken came in a different box..

G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

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What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

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A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like tha...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs ...

A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

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Light travels faster than sound,

which is why some people appear bright until they open their fucking mouths

I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

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"Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," arg...

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

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What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

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Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

Some pronounce it as gif, others say gif but the correct way is actually

gif

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," t...

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My Girlfriend Left a Note On The Fridge

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place"
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

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My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

Once you open it, you realize it's half-empty.

What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

S G E G

Scrambled Eggs.

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...

I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....

It helps keep her neck warm.

A stuttering dude was unemployed...

Once upon a time there was a stuttering lad who could not find work. Finally, he came across a book store with a "help wanted" sign. He went in and got a job.

His boss told him that he could not work in the store, but he would walk around the neighborhood selling books door to door. The b...

I dumped my lazy eyed g/f

I think she was seeing someone else

Guitar joke

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devi...

Man, I am just sick and tired of gravity...

It's always bringing me down!

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

Changing a "C" to a "G" can have fatal consequences...

because some Clockwork suddenly turns into a drive-by shooting.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency...

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your he...

What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?

G u knit?

Why did the musician get sent to prison?

Because he touched A minor

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide.

Holly Holm declined the rematch though.

What do you use when you want to clean windows during a seance?

a squeegee board.

T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

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Always a hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hol...

A doctor is talk g with a little girl

The doctor says,
"You're like a honey bee!"
The little girl says,
"Why? Because I'm so sweet?"
The doctor replies,
" No, because you're dying at an alarming rate."

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Walking.

J.K. Rowling

So, an E- flat, a G- flat, and a B- flat walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

Oh wait. I should be careful with these puns. I could get in treble.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon h...

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Buses are like pornstars...

Nothing for an hour then they all cum at once.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

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