UPJOKE

### I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

### What's the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

### At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stut...

### I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

### C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

### Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

### T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

### "Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

### C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

### My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.

### Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

### What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A man will keep looking for a golf ball until he finds it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My wife says I can never find her G spot, but I think I know the problem

I’m looking in the wrong vaginas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man with a huge penis walks into the docs office...

A man with a huge penis walks into the doctors office and says D-d-d-d-oc y-y-y-ou n-n-need to h-h-h-help m-m-m-me!

The very puzzled doctor looked at this man and wondered what was going on. He did a few tests and found that he isn't getting enough blood flow to his head as its being directed...

### A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

S-I-T-T-I-N-G

### What do communists and the male g-spot have in common?

They're both prostate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

### If you play a G, C, and D on a piano, they're the most Christian notes...

...because it's a Gsus chord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

### The 3 g’s that I suck at

Now I am decent at other things but there’s the 3 g’s that I suck at which are geometry, geography, and the g-spot.

### In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

### G(old)

Carl went to Brazil leaving his little brother John to take care of his elderly mother and his beloved cat. Three months later he received a telegram: "Your cat died". Desolate, he called for details. After crying, I told John that this news is not given like this, that he should first have sent a t...

The letter F

### If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

### A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

### S G E G

Scrambled Eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges \$10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

### I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

### Myself & a bunch of guy friends tried to go to the new strip club named “The G Spot”…

We couldn’t find it.

### A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

### My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

### G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

### Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

### I tried looking up Ernst Gräfenberg, the physician who the G-Spot is named after.

After an hour of looking, I gave up.

### I asked some people what you could spell from the letters n t o g i h n

All of them said you couldn't spell anything

### Whats the difference between a quarter and the G spot?

My uncle never found a G spot behind my ear.

### A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating

Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.

Because it might pi-ka-chu

H, I J/K

### M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

### theres something suspicious about the location of the g-spot

i just cant quite put my finger on it

### Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

### Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game.

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game. We would draw a letter out of a box, think of a word, spell it then put it into a sentence. She went around the class and started to get really nervous. Then she came to the last kid, Johnny we'll call him, and she was positively petrif...

### Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

### My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names!

### Teacher: How else do you call a G flat?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Ges.

Student: I just said I don't know!

### I feel bad for Sacha Baron Cohen. People rave about his performances in Borat and Da Ali G Show…

… but We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

### That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### tHE gREEKS INVENTED SEX!

The Italians introduced the concept to women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......

(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

### There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

### My Favorite Cowboy Joke

A cowboy walks into a bar. He says to the barkeep, “I’ll have a shot of your best tequila.”

The bartender serves him the tequila and he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”

A Latino man, sitting across the bar from the cowboy, orders a shot of the sam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### G/F Joke

Guy comes home, only to find everything he owns tossed out into the yard. He storms in and asks his girlfriend "Why is all my stuff outside" She says "I kicked you out". "Why ?", he asks. "Because I found out that you are a pedophile". "Pedophile ?? That's an awful big word for a ten year-old"...

### Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...

### What's the difference between the moon and the female g spot

We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon

### A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### When the Australian figured out what the button on the toilet was, it was not a g'day.

In fact, it was a ... bidet.

### After wastin g money this christmas on a new 4K TV

I have a new year's resolution

it's 3840 x 2160.

A marathong

### As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

### I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

### T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

### G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs ...

### What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

### ‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.