UPJOKE
letter10digraph24phiflnwchijzqbg

Professor X asks a potential new, young mutant recruit, "What's your mutant power?"

Mutant: "Hindsight!"

Professor X: "That's not going to help us at all"

Mutant: "Yes, I can see that now"

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "| can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

If you're an X-Men fan, then every Kirby game is a Rogue-like

You run around stealing superpowers, after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

James and Rob went fishing

James and Rob went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

**James:** I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

**Rob:** Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

**James:** You idiot! How do we know we will get the sam...

What is a Pie?

Since Pi = 3.14159

and e = 2.71828

so Pie = Pi x e

hence pie = 8.539721265



A friend and I were discussing Pie and I came up with this joke

I thought it was funny and she said it is the most pathetic joke she has ever heard

So Just looking for a con...

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

Does Forrest Gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z?

Nope. He belongs to Gen A.

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman is at the store one day when she sees a sign that says, "X-RAY GLASSES FOR FIFTY DOLLARS".

Thinking it sounds interesting, she grabs a pair of glasses from the shelf and puts it on. Immediately, everyone around her appears to be completely in the nude. When she takes the glasses off, everyone's clothes come back.

Excitedly, the woman parts with fifty big ones and proudly wears her ...

Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back. And don't ask y.

S*x is a lot like math

1) You ADD a bed
2) SUBTRACT the clothes
3) DIVIDE the legs
4) And hope you don’t MULTIPLY

I heard you were good at algebra

Could you replace my x

without asking y?

Here's a Lesson They DON'T Teach You in School...

9 x 2 = 57

Deer x 3

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do call call a deer with no eyes made out of metal?
Steel no eye deer.

What do call a deer with no legs, no tail, and no torso?
A hat rack.

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

Gen-X Humor

Why didn't Flock of Seagulls travel to Tehran?

Iran so far away.

DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates

DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old.

Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".

DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have all this by age 35:

- 6 figure passive income
- An empty calendar
- My forever home, paid off
- Vacation home in Maui
- 2 Teslas (S and X)
- Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

?

p

u

s

'

t

a

h

w

,

y

e

H

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Geordie lad.

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was ch...

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help Wanted;

A lumber mill posts a assist wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after s...

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I hate my X

What is Elon Musk's favourite keyboard shortcut?

ctrl + space + x

A teenager shows up to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

Marching straight into Professor Xavier's office, he says "I want to join the X-Men!"

"Oh?" Xavier asks the boy, "What powers do you have?"

He responds, "I have the gift of perfect hindsight!"

The Professor raises an eyebrow and says "Sorry, I don't think that would be very usef...

In my first year of college, I had 5 times the number of girlfriends that I had in my four years of high school.

5 x 0 = 0

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: Foresight

Professor X: You know that redditors were expecting a hindsight joke repost?

Me: Yes I knew that.

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

M‌‌y d‌‌a‌‌d f‌‌irs‌‌t t‌‌alke‌‌d t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e a‌‌bou‌‌t s‌‌e‌‌x w‌‌he‌‌n I‌‌‌‌ w‌‌a‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o c‌‌ollege.

H‌‌e s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌Son‌‌, i‌‌‌‌n c‌‌olleg‌‌e y‌‌ou'r‌‌e g‌‌oin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o b‌‌‌‌e s‌‌urrounde‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y b‌‌eautifu‌‌l g‌‌irls‌‌, s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌o‌‌t y‌‌o‌‌u s‌‌omethin‌‌g f‌‌ro‌‌m t‌‌h‌‌e c‌‌hemist."

"Dad,‌‌" I‌‌‌‌ s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌‌‌I h‌‌av‌‌e c‌‌ondoms."

An‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌Yo‌‌u w‌‌...

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid...

If they had used a "G", nobody would ever have found their treasure.

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what I hate about X button on controller?

They never in the right place.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

New superpower

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men

When asked what his superpower is, the man replies "Hindsight".

The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are a nazi’s favorite letters?

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y

What do you call a fighter who’s also a gamer?

An X-Boxer!

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance,

she'd be your....
Space x.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

‌‌I p‌‌roposed t‌‌o m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife t‌‌oday

She s‌‌aid n‌‌o, s‌‌he t‌‌hinks I‌‌'m j‌‌ust a‌‌fter m‌‌y m‌‌oney.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

My doctor said the X-Ray was negative.

I was like, “aren’t they all?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

Where do the X-men go to swim?

The dead-pool.

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My X-ray experience

Just went for an x-ray and the radiologist asked if I had any metal implants.



I replied: nothing much just balls of steel.

What did Elon Musk say to Grimes before they made X Æ A-12?

i 1 2 ½ 6

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

A constant and e^x was walking along the road...

...when they saw a differential operator in the distance. The constant stops and says "I can't go further because the differential operator will make me disappear". e^(x) replies "yea well a differential operator can't affect me". So e^(x) walks forward to the operator and says "Hey I'm e^(x) " to w...

What came before the X-Men?

The C-Men.

What do pirates and mathematicians have in common?

They both keep searching for 'x'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

Pi and the exponential function got married, but it didn’t last.

Their last big fight:

e^x: “Pi, I can never figure you out!”

Pi: “Me? The more you seem to change, the more you just stay the same!”

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

f(x) walks into a bar

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions".

I just watched a movie about a y = x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"In sick of sewing buttons!"

\-Incredible Hulk's mom



(Got this from the jokes section of an Argentine popular culture magazine, so yeah, us ARgentines have a terrible humor xD)

Guacamole:

6 x 10E23 guacas.

(That's Avocado's Number)

I'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of X-Ray Technicians.

They can see right through me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor X to JK Rowling:

Professor X: "What's your power?"

JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."

Gay Professor X: "Interesting."

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

Everybody loves the iPhone X, XS and 11 Pro...

Because their top notch

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

I didn’t get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday.

I need someone to console me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are two words that start with the letter x?

1. X-ray
2. X-nobody fucking remembers

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Me - "Shall I buy the PS5 or the Xbox Series X?"

Wife - "I'd rather you buy an Eggs Box £3.60"


Lol my wife actually said this and I thought it was so dumb, it made me chuckle and that I thought I'd share it here.

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

X Æ A-12 : What's the WiFi password?

Elon : Tom

y = mx + c

My favourite one liner.

What does s*x and an inside joke have in common?

You had to be there to get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm posting this from my job as a scrap lumber inspector at a hardware store. (x-post from r/dadjokes)

I'm feeling a little board.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

License

An immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, "C-Z-W-I-X-N-O-S-T-A-C-Z." "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the guy replied, "I know the guy."

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

I recently created a database for every living person assigned female at birth.

I call it the X-Files.

Solve this math problem: 230 - 220 x 0.5

You may not believe it, but the answer is 5!

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

Why was Gimli so interested in plotting equations on an x-y coordinate plane?

He heard it involved axes.

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5

A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.

Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

I recently bought a 256GB iPhone X, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyway, I'm doing a giveaway.

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not very tall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Professor X have sex?

He mindfucks people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason why Space X has a spa

Is because without Spa it would be sex.

What's 2 x 2?

Mathematician : 4

Physicist : 4.0

Statistician : 4 with an error of 0.1 either way

Engineer : about 4 but I'll say 6 to be on the safe side.

I almost struck 'x=1' with my fist, but didn't.

Sorry, no punchline.

What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

I'm sorry. lol.

WARNING: This is an X joke (18+)

X=19

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.