UPJOKE
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X Jokes

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

Why did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X?

So the remaining users could spell it.

Professor X asks a girl

"What is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not r...

f(x) walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

The plot was a bit predictable


And a little flat


Good special f(x) though

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Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

Mr. X checked into a hotel along with his wife

At 11:30 in the night, he called the reception.

He said "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window from the 5th floor."

The Receptionist replied "Sir this is a personal matter we cannot do anything"

Mr. X ROARED "YOU IDIOT!! You think I will ask you to come and handle my ...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

?

p

u

s

'

t

a

h

w

,

y

e

H

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Professor X to JK Rowling:

Professor X: "What's your power?"

JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."

Gay Professor X: "Interesting."

What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

I'm sorry. lol.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Elon Announces X will charge Users $1 A Year

So Elon Musk has announced that X will charge users $1 a year. Certain people are in an uproar. What's the big deal? I'm paying my ex $898 a month.

I do apologize for the terrible joke, but Elon handed us all puns on a silver platter.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

"Oh dear...this is just what I was afraid of", the doctor said as he looked over my x-rays

My heart dropped and I asked *"wha…What is it, doctor??"*

He paused and then solemnly answered:
*"Skeletons."*

Why was e^x so lonely at the party?

Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German... (x-post from /r/dadjokes)

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"<...

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan.

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back. And don't ask y.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Does Forrest Gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z?

Nope. He belongs to Gen A.

DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates

DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old.

Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".

DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."

The band Static X just designed a lawn mower

Yeah... you push it.

One day 3 and e^x were having a walk…

3 oversees the oncoming derivative across the road. He tells e^x that he will be leaving because if he ever meets the derivative it wouldn’t end well for him.

Surprised by the departure, e^x continues to walk confidently. When he and derivative are close enough, derivative extends his hand an...

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

Why do the algebra books always ask you to "solve for X"?

I wish they'd just teach the X to move on and solve it's own problems.

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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought abou...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

e^x, x and x^2 went to a party.

x and x^2 noticed e^x has been standing in the same corner since they arrived.

x asked "Why don't you go mix in with the crowd?"

e^x replied "Well, no matter how much I integrate it's still the same!"

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ...

y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

What do dentists call x-rays?

Tooth Pics!

How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes?

You pull down their genes.

What's 2 x 2?

Mathematician : 4

Physicist : 4.0

Statistician : 4 with an error of 0.1 either way

Engineer : about 4 but I'll say 6 to be on the safe side.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

Space X rocket explodes minutes after take off in first test flight...

Now that's what I call a fiery start-up.

What kind of fuel does an X-ray machine use?

Unleaded

What did Malcolm X name his son?

Malcolm XI

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

Deer x 3

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do call call a deer with no eyes made out of metal?
Steel no eye deer.

What do call a deer with no legs, no tail, and no torso?
A hat rack.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.

If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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A new mutant is trying to join the X-Men.

To join, he must complete an interview with Professor X.

"What's your superpower?" asks Professor X.

"I can pull a rabbit out of my hat!" says the young man. He takes off his hat, and pulls out a fluffy white rabbit.

Professor X gets up, walks over, and examines the rabbit car...

What did the Y chromosome say to the X chromosome?

Any room for me in those genes?

How much dirt is in a 12 x 6 x 3 hole?

None. It’s a hole.

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

Gen-X Humor

Why didn't Flock of Seagulls travel to Tehran?

Iran so far away.

I was asked who my favourite X-men was the other day...

Apparently Caitlyn Jenner was inappropriate.

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Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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seX

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Unemployment xD xD [NSFW]

Condom: You take my job for a week.

Tampon: yeah but when you f*ck up I lose my job for 9 months.

Your momma's so fat, she's like the negative cosine of X...

They both go down after pi

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If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

A cannibal was in the examination room, waiting for the results of his x-ray.

When the images were ready, a doctor entered the room and flipped the switch on the light box. He took one look and said, "I think you swallowed a foreign object."

The cannibal did not like the sounds of that. In fact, he was insulted. He stood up and started walking toward the door. When he ...

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My X-ray experience

Just went for an x-ray and the radiologist asked if I had any metal implants.



I replied: nothing much just balls of steel.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

X is basically Y with a leg to stand on.

That is all.

I recently bought a 256GB iPhone X, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyway, I'm doing a giveaway.

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not very tall.

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

What came before the X-Men?

The C-Men.

My doctor said the X-Ray was negative.

I was like, “aren’t they all?”

pessimist vs optimist (x-post from funny)

The pessimist says, ‘It can’t get any worse!’ And the optimist replies, ‘Oh yes it can!

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

Why did x and y break up?

They couldn't function together.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

How did Elon Musk celebrate 420?

With SpaceX going up in smoke.

Religions are like e^x.

No matter how you try to differentiate them or integrate them. They remain the same.

Did you know that 2 x 10 is the same 2 x 11

One is twenty and the other is twenty two.

X Æ A-12

Enough of this ‘X Æ A-12’ jokes, we have Elon-gated the topic too much.

Master hacker sees some graffiti that says "x&1".

He says "Well thats odd."

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

X-men interview

Professor X: what's your superpower?

Me: I always get ignored

Gary: I can beat anyone by snapping my fingers

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

If you're an X-Men fan, then every Kirby game is a Rogue-like

You run around stealing superpowers, after all.

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Do you smoke? (x-post from r/funny)

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 pack...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

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What are two words that start with the letter x?

1. X-ray
2. X-nobody fucking remembers

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You know what I hate about X button on controller?

They never in the right place.

My X made the worst coffee.

I thought it was grounds for divorce.

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

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I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

Quarantine day #(x+1)

Even the food I eat would be less hygienic than I am.

X Æ A-12 : What's the WiFi password?

Elon : Tom

I really like the iPhone X

It's the only thing that gets turned on by looking at me

Simon Cowell could win X-Factor

He's got a tragic back-story

What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

Everybody loves the iPhone X, XS and 11 Pro...

Because their top notch

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

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The reason why Space X has a spa

Is because without Spa it would be sex.

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I tried to get my wife to call my dick the "Original X-Box."

But she keeps on calling it "Microsoft."

Just saw the new X-Men movie...

It was Marvelous!

X factor audition.

Boy:* Enters crying *


Judges: Guys we have a winner for this year.

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

WARNING: This is an X joke (18+)

X=19

d/dx (∫ (f (x)) dx )

Thats disintegration

I'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of X-Ray Technicians.

They can see right through me.

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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.

At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon ...

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X-Ray glasses made in China

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes...

I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns)

I came to the realization.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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