UPJOKE
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Why do pirates have trouble with the alphabet?

They spend years lost at C.

The first four letters of the alphabet are the hardest.

The rest are e-z.

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

For blind people the alphabet actually goes, “A,B,D”

It’s because they can’t see.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I dont know whY.

Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a

I’m no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

My friend asked me to tell her the 14th and 15th letters of the alphabet.

I told her no.

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

I have an alphabet grenade.

If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

You'd think it'd be R, but it's the C they truly love!

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I hate my X

What does the far-right have in common with the first 25 letters of the alphabet?

They are all not z's.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.

Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

Which letter in the alphabet has a shoe brand?

Adidas

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

Guy gets pulled over by the cops.

Cop: It seems you have been drinking.

Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M".

Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

I spelled "I take back what I said" in a bowl of alphabet soup

I ate those words

I have CDO

It's like OCD but in alphabetical order, as it should be.

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

I was in a restaurant last night

when the waitress shouted "Anyone know CPR"? I said "I know the whole alphabet". Everyone laughed except one guy.

What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Gobble-You!

Note: my six year old made up this joke.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

My son only knows the first 10 letters of the Alphabet

Turns out we sent him to a pre-k school.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

If you are looking for alphabet jokes,

the joke is on U.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only good letter of the English Alphabet is the last one.

The rest are Nazis.

What do you call a hospital who lists all their donor patients in alphabetical order

Organ-Ized

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

I discovered a new letter of the alphabet

But it's hard to type

Ships were arriving at the port in alphabetical order. One of the last ships was moving at a snails pace...

It was carrying the 'S cargo'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they teach the alphabet in New Jersey?

Fuckin-A, Fuckin-B, Fuckin-C...

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

What’s the last letter in the fascist alphabet ?

I’m not so sure... all I know is it’s “not z”

Tell me a sentence

Teacher: Tell me a sentence
that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the..
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is'
affer an I. Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter
of the alphabet.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

My teacher just asked our class if we could name the 5th and 26th letters of the alphabet.

I said “Yeah that’s E Z”

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.

There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.

History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

The pirated version isn't the full edition.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

The autobahn is like the alphabet...

...always a VW behind U.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[alphabet naming committee] okay what comes after O and P?

let's just do O and P again but give them dicks.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet.

Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L

What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past X

I dont know why

I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!!

Say it with me!

BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was told to get the first five letter of the alphabet for school by asking his family

A six-year-old goes to school and his homework was to go ask his family for the first 5 letters of the alphabet. he goes home. he asks his mom who was taking a nap what is the first letter of the alphabet

the mom says "shut up I'm tired" .he makes a not in his mind about it

he then goe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet?

...

Because I want to know!?

(you have to say this one out loud to get it)

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny does the alphabet

Little johnny is in class and the teacher is going through the alphabet a letter at a time. She starts with the letter “A” and all the students eagerly put their hands up to say a word that begins with the letter A. Including Johnny. The teacher knows better, she knows if she picks johnnyhe is gon...

The alphabet is terrifying.

A bee sea? No thank you

Student: For the life of my I cannot remember what the 21st letter of the alphabet is.

Teacher: That sounds like a you problem

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

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