So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar.

*walks

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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How do you call Samuel L. Jackson with a STD?

Laurence Piss-burne.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

Terrorists are mindblowing

Literally

What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

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I like me women how l like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

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I wonder if Samuel L Jackson has sent his father...

...a 'Happy Motherfuckers Day' card today.

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

At a hotel, a man sees an attractive lady...

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he catches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"that was so embarrassing" she says and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, will you let me buy you dinner ...

Are you tired of people bothering you? Do you just want to be left alone? L

Carry a clip board around and try to make eye contact with people.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

Recently I found out that the 'r' and 'l' characters are the same in Korean.

I guess that explains why they like their elections so much.

What do Asian people sing to their children at night?

Wok a bye baby.

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An Asian man is talking to a white man.

The Asian man says, "I don't understand your elections"

The white man says, "My fetish is my business, piss off"

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day... Push a man out of a plane...

And he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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My first football game was kinda like the time I lost my virginity. I mean I kinda cried a little,

But at least my dad came.

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

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Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

What name do you need to win at everything?

Noel.

What do you call alphabet soup with only I, V, X, L, C, D, and M?

Ramen Numerals!

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in c...

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

Dad, I'm cold..

Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me...

But toucan play at that game

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will find this funny

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive..

they would eventually find me attractive.

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
...

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...

He thanked me.

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When Samuel L. Jackson had a kid, he was asked in an interview how it felt to be a father.

All he said was “motherfucker”

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A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,...

Never Marry A Tennis Player

Love means nothing to them.

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

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An American, an Englishman and a Japanese man.....

.... were all seeking work on a building site. The foreman looks at them each and says "Ok, you Americans are hard workers, you can mix the cement, you British are good craftsmen, you can lay the bricks and you Japanese are good with logistics, you can be in charge of supplies."
The American and ...

Wife How would you describe me Husband

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets...

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to hi...

If isis gets bombed

They'll be called waswas

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An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference...

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"Give it to me", she screamed

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now"

"Fuck off", I said

"this is my umbrella"

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A bIack man walks into a bar...

and his cell mate laughs his ass off.

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

His father replied, “well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.”

What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

I wanted to make a joke about chemistry,

but all the good ones Argon.

Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal.

So, what is a three 'L' lama?

A big fire in Boston.

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."


A voice from the back of the...

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Husband joke

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still fucking cel...

A knocked on ma neighbours door this mornin and said "can u have my children? Ill b no longer than,a few minutes,l promise"

"sure" she replied

I said "great! Git the knickers aff then"😂😂😂

What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?

A Labracadabrador

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went o...

Samuel L. Jackson is obsessed with the SI unit of power.

He keeps telling me to say watt again.

I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book.

At least I know where I stand now.

F.B.L.C

#The
#Association
#Of
#Incorrect
#Acronyms

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The Purple Spotted Penis

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen...

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How does Samuel L Jackson count?

One muthafucka, two muthafuckas, three muthafuckas...

Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt?

L'Hospital.

Do you spell Christmas with an "L"?

Or Noel?

T.I.L why Toys R us failed.

They fell on their 'R's.

Why couldn't the communist negotiator save the hostages?

Well, to start, he was Russian through things where he should've been Stalin for time, and his team wasn't exactly Lenin him any support. I guess you could say it was Marx'd for failure from the start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Samuel L Jackson Say When He Was Asked To Name the First Greek Myth He Was Taught in School.

Oedipus Was the First Motherfucker!

The Chinese have successfully tested their new Stealth Drones.

Not only will they be used in Recon and Combat missions but they will have the ability to drop vital equipment onto the battlefield.

They will have the element of supplies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive middle-aged woman sits at a bar...

... she orders a drink and a man sits beside her. They are both looking rather glum so she asks him what's the matter. He replies that he has a large chicken farm but none of the hens are laying fertile eggs, if this continues he will be out of business very soon. The man notices the woman is rather...

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.?

Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.

Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

My sick husband said, "I just wish l could breathe."

You could say he has high aspirations.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?

One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the "l" say to the "!" when it started bitching?

What are you on your period?

The chemical name for water is H, I, J, K, L, M, N O.

H to O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy sits down at a bar...

... and tells the bartender that he has a joke he'd like to tell, but is worried about offending him. The bartender says I've been working here for a long time, and I've heard a lot of jokes, and none of them have ever offended me. So go ahead. The guy agrees and asks what has four arms, four legs ...

How do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be?

Use LED based paint.

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

l accidentally clicked on a pop-up that said I won an iPhone.

Thank God, it was just a virus.

can·ni·bal ˈkanəb(ə)l/ noun

Someone that is fed up with people

I'm Asian, and we confuse our l's and r's.

That's just how we lorr.

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