UPJOKE
letterlitrejwhkpnfzvbsgu

L Jokes

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it

The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

l overdosed on viagra the other day.

It was the hardest day of my life.

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

l accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked.

Now it can ride a bike without
stabilizers.

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the

Minneapolis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a French phrase "L'esprit de l'escalier" which means thinking of a perfect comeback for a perceived insult just as you leave the party.

My usual thing to say when I have to leave a party is "Oh shit, it's the cops!"

A m‌‌an a‌‌ccidentally e‌‌lbows a‌‌ w‌‌oman's b‌‌oob a‌‌s s‌‌he i‌‌s s‌‌tanding b‌‌ehind h‌‌im i‌‌n a‌‌ h‌‌otel l‌‌obby.

T‌‌he m‌‌an a‌‌pologizes p‌‌rofusely a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌if y‌‌our h‌‌eart i‌‌s a‌‌s s‌‌oft a‌‌s y‌‌our b‌‌reasts, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou'll f‌‌orgive m‌‌e."

To w‌‌hich t‌‌he w‌‌oman r‌‌eplied, "If y‌‌our d‌‌ick i‌‌s a‌‌s h‌‌ard a‌‌s y‌‌our e‌‌lbow, I‌‌'m i‌‌n r‌‌oom 3‌‌18."

‌‌Can w‌‌e b‌‌an "‌‌Yo M‌‌omma" j‌‌okes f‌‌rom t‌‌his s‌‌ub? T‌‌hey're o‌‌ld, s‌‌tupid, a‌‌nd h‌‌ave b‌‌een d‌‌one b‌‌y l‌‌iterally e‌‌veryone h‌‌undreds o‌‌f t‌‌imes.

Just l‌‌ike y‌‌o m‌‌omma.

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

What is L. Ron Hubbard's favorite band?

Bad Religion.

One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.

The teacher said, “First recite your ABCs.”

So Johnny said, “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

The teacher asked, “Where’s your P?”

And Johnny replied, “Halfway down my pants.”

How did Samuel L Jackson die in star wars?

He fell out of the Windu

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

l already suspected on my drive to the Political left convention that l wouldn’t be welcome

I was right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily

‌‌

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌...

To who ever put the "L" in Noel

Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

l didn't hear anyone trying to fake cry

But Amber Heard.

my wife told me i ruined her birthday.

l don't know how i did it because i didn't even know it was her birthday.

My friend asked me to tell her the 14th and 15th letters of the alphabet.

I told her no.

What's the difference between L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand?

One author is delusional and whose fans follow blindly like a religion...and the other is L. Ron Hubbard.

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you shorten LGBTQIA+ to just L+?

Because that would just be premium gay

l asked my wife to rate my listening skills…

l asked my wife to rate my listening
skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to
urinate on a skeleton.

In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harit...

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money l make

Now they call poor and ugly.

We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is a LOVABLE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

In ancient Rome, there was no letter U, so they used a V instead, making Barney a LOVABLE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

Now eliminate all the letters that are not Roman numerals. We are left with LVL VL DIV.

Next, let's refresh your brain. I=1, V=5, L=50, D=500.

When we add it all up, we get...

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tabet, and a 2 L's is a beast of burden, then what is a three L Lama?

A big fire in Boston

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

‌‌A b‌‌loke b‌‌umped i‌‌n t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Then t‌‌he s‌‌ame f‌‌ella f‌‌ollowed m‌‌e h‌‌ome f‌‌rom t‌‌he p‌‌ub a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Things t‌‌hen g‌‌ot o‌‌ut o‌‌f h‌‌and w‌‌hen h‌‌e t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y w‌‌indow a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 t‌‌hat n‌‌ight a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

I t‌‌h...

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

l knead you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Sam.L.Jackson love fathers day?

'Cause it's all about celebrating those god damn motherfuckers.

Some haha's for you to hehe to.....

A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
“No, it says right here,” he said, handi...

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend. O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.

His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

Voodoo

So a guy calls his wife and asks, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

She says, "God, no."

And the guy says, "Um... how about now?"

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Samuel L. Jackson say when he met Oedipus?

'What's up, motherfucker?'

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

‌‌Rule #‌‌1 f‌‌or l‌‌earning E‌‌nglish

Their o‌‌ur k‌‌now r‌‌ules!

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

Birthing Person

If the word 'mother' is replaced by the term 'birthing person', Samuel L. Jackson might as well retire

Today l gave $500 and an iPhone to a homeless guy...

You don't know how great I felt when he put the gun away.

The Fishmonger

A woman went to the market to buy some cod. She approaches the fishmonger for assistance.

Woman: Do you have any cod? I’d like a piece of cod.

Fishmonger: We’ve got no cod, madam. We have haddock, would you like some haddock?

Woman: No, I’d like some cod.

Fishmonger: We d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

My homeboy Nick L. keeps borrowing money from my other homie Deion but I can't keep watching it happen...

I'm too old to watch Nick L. owe Deion.

If l got 50p...

If l got 50p for every maths exam l failed. I'd have £6.30 by now!

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

Where does a half-man, half- horse play tennis at Wimbledon?

Centaur Court

While on holiday in the US, l was talking to the hotel receptionist about my stay. I told her about when l was bullied by a cop for speeding, she asked me what state l was in.

Bloody furious, l replied.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

TI‌‌L Childre‌‌n wh‌‌o ar‌‌e unvaccinate‌‌d ar‌‌e les‌‌s likel‌‌y t‌‌o hav‌‌e autism.

Yo‌‌u hav‌‌e t‌‌o b‌‌e aliv‌‌e t‌‌o hav‌‌e autism.‌‌

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another soviet joke.

A lawyer (L) walks in the court and meets a judge(his friend) (J) exiting a courtroom and laughing his ass off.
L - Hey, why you laugh so hard?
J - Oh, i'v just heard a very good joke.
L - care to share it?
J - No, can't. Just sentenced a guy for life for telling that joke.

‌‌I lik‌‌e m‌‌y wome‌‌n lik‌‌e ‌‌I lik‌‌e m‌‌y mathematica‌‌l constants.

Roun‌‌d an‌‌d irrational.

There are only two types of hair: public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the door.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
Just what in the hell did she mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Samuel L. Jackson’s favorite type of porn?

Mother fucking.

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

If you are getting bullied for having a speech impediment, there are people you can talk to

Just be patient, it will take time

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of the paws, while the comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

A Father's Intelligence

A boy walks up to his father and asks, "Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?"

After a minute the dad replies, "Must be from your mother because I still have mine"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference...

getting in to heaven

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,



being greeted by St. Peter.



She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is?



It's so beautiful.



Did I really make it to heaven?"



To which St. Peter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was given LSD and MDMA tonight

What a shit start to a game of Scrabble!!

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."

Doctor: "How come?"

Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

My local public swimming pool had a big sign on the wall.

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or


Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

A stammering man walks up to a bible salesman.

"H-h-how is b-b-business g-going?" asks the man. "To be honest, not many people are into bibles these days," answers the salesman, "some people don't even answer their doors when they see me standing there." "T-t-that's a s-s-shame" says the man, "c-c-can I t-t-try f-for a d-d-day?" The biblesalesma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

Drinks

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L. "
The bartender says, "What's an M L? "
The brunette says, "A Miller Light. "
Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L "
The bartender says, "What's a B L? "
She says, "Bud Light. "
A blonde walks in and says, "Gimm...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my Uncle tells. Makes me laugh every time..

Somewhere deep down south a man dials 9-1-1..

Operator: “Emergency services. Is there a problem?”

Man: “Hi, uhh ya. I jus’ came home and I foun’ my wife lyin’ dead on tha floor.”

Operator: “I am so sorry to hear that sir. How would you like us to assist you?”

Man: “Yea, u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] Why didn’t Portobello didn’t get along with his hoarder girlfriend?

Altho he was a fungi, shiitake too mushroom

I like working in hotels that label the ground floor L for lobby.

If a guest has a complaint, I can tell them to go to L.

Here's a little joke that I remembered from a while back:

So this Irishman walks out of a bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

Yo Momma is so dumb

She put the newspaper in the TV and called it Paper View.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

‌‌Boy s‌‌cout: S‌‌ir, I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ s‌‌nake, i‌‌s i‌‌t p‌‌oisonous?

Me: N‌‌o l‌‌ittle o‌‌ne, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌sn't p‌‌oisonous a‌‌t a‌‌ll.

*Snake b‌‌ites b‌‌oy a‌‌nd b‌‌oy i‌‌mmediately s‌‌tarts t‌‌o s‌‌pasm a‌‌nd f‌‌oam a‌‌t t‌‌he m‌‌outh, l‌‌eaving t‌‌he o‌‌ther k‌‌ids w‌‌atching, h‌‌orrified.*

Me: H‌‌owever, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌s v‌‌enomous. V‌‌enom ...

You’re Up Next Soldier

While posted to Germany in 1987 I was a Cpl in the Canadian Army. I had been selected to attend a Combat Leadership Course.
One of the first things we were required to do was stand in front of our peers in a classroom and give a brief blurb on ourselves.
The course Warrant Officer said “Righ...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Back in the 1960s there lived an Italian mobster…

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. ...

What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.?

Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.

If you are looking for alphabet jokes,

the joke is on U.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will find this funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like me women how l like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual ...

How do French cats laugh?

“L’mao”

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?

One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

I b‌‌ought a‌‌ c‌‌hessboard c‌‌ake f‌‌rom t‌‌he b‌‌akers l‌‌ast w‌‌eek.

Took o‌‌ne b‌‌ite, l‌‌ooked u‌‌p, a‌‌nd s‌‌aid "‌‌it's s‌‌tale m‌‌ate".

He s‌‌eemed s‌‌urprised, s‌‌aid "‌‌no, m‌‌ate".

So I‌‌ h‌‌anded h‌‌im t‌‌he c‌‌ake a‌‌nd s‌‌aid "‌‌check m‌‌ate".

Are you tired of people bothering you? Do you just want to be left alone? L

Carry a clip board around and try to make eye contact with people.

During this covid self isolation I went outside for a brief moment, the door closed behind, and I didn't have my house keys with me. So l called a locksmith for help...

... when he arrived, i asked, "you sure you should be out during l this lockdown?"


He replied, "it's okay, I'm a key worker".

Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

Two fetuses sit in their moms uterus.

One of them wears a scarf, hat and gloves. His twin asks him why he’s dressed like that. He answers:
“l don’t want to catch a cold like the red nosed guy who pops in here all the time and drips snot!”

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Samuel L Jackson count?

One muthafucka, two muthafuckas, three muthafuckas...

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says “what’s with the three legged pig?”
Farmer says bravest pig you’re ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house la...

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We’re out of broccoli

A man sends his wife to the store for groceries. He says to the wife “ while you’re out, pick up some broccoli”. She heads to her local supermarket in search of broccoli.

When she gets there she asks the first employee she sees “excuse me sir, where do you keep the broccoli?”

He sa...

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal.

So, what is a three 'L' lama?

A big fire in Boston.

Recently I found out that the 'r' and 'l' characters are the same in Korean.

I guess that explains why they like their elections so much.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.