“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

Why do Americans go fishing with guns?

Because a group of fish is called a school.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

How mathematicians laugh?

(HA)^3

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Why did the Jews kill Jesus ?

Because he was healing people for free.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Yo momma's so lonely

she kept you

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

When I first saw an universal remote control...

I thought to myself: "Well... This changes everything"

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A beautiful woman goes to a party.

While scanning the guests, she spots an attractive man standing alone.

She approaches him, smiles and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the t...

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Why couldn’t the pony sing?

Because it was a little hoarse

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?

Snake 2: No, Why?

Snake 1: I bit my toungue

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn’t put...

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

Two guys walk into a bar and both ask for carbon dioxide. One dies. Why?

The first says, "I'll have CO!" The second one says, "I'll have CO, too!"

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

A Woman goes to a Doctor.....

...worried about her husbands temper.

The Doctor asks: "Whats the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is ...

Super stoked for the new Cosby Show spin-off...

Pudding it in Cosby.

My brother ran away from home to study mime.

We never heard from him again.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

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I will never forget the first words my son uttered to me.

"Where the fuck have you been the last 19 years you motherfucker?!"

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure s...

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

The alphabet scares me

“A bee sea?”

No thank you, I’ll just stop you right there.

My ex opened the car door for me

Would have been nice if we weren't going down the highway at 120 km/h

There’s a fine line between H and J...

It’s called “I”

A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

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"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt a...

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

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If a blind girl says you have a big dick..

She probably is just pulling your leg.

What name do you call an overweight unknown man?

John Dough

A U.S Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given ...

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

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Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl

He was eating carb on dyed ox hide

Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that th...

There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

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A girl goes to confession [NSFW]

Girl: Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.


Priest: Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?


Girl: Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission.


Priest: Do you mean like this? (He touches her arm.)


Girl: Yes father.


Pri...

80,000 blondes gather for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The lead...

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

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Bill works in a pickle factory...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, ...

What do you use when you want to clean windows during a seance?

a squeegee board.

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I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

I never trust octagons.

They're always lazy, just squares that cut all the corners.

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She says, "Hello"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you...

I got fired because answering the phone 'good morning' in the afternoon is wrong.

I already miss working at that funeral home.

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A guy and a girl go out on a date...

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get...

When I die

I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and freaked out, like his passengers were.

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

Imagine if oars could swim?

Wouldn't that be oar-swam?

I'm so sorry...

A priest was caught going 50km/h over the speed limit

The officer approached the car and smelled alcohol.

"Father have you been drinking?" He asked.

The priest replied "Jesus Christ, he did it again!"

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I joke I made up at work the other day.

So I'm at the bar with a friend, drinking a beer, and this woman walks in. She's huge. Like 500-600 lbs, huge. She locks onto me and asks me if she could suck my cock in the bathroom. So I turned to my friend and said "I'll be right back, something big is about to go down."

H I

When I read the letters H-I in the alphabet, I thought I had made a friend. But then I read the next two letters.

My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing...

... But everything he makes is forged.

Teacher:Kids,what does the chicken give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing. Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

- I like to travel in first

- But is expensive, is not?
- Yes, I have already broken three cars!!


European joke...

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A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"

"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.

"I'l...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

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How much of sex is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount ...

How does a musician spell the alphabet?

CDEFGABHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

A vampire traveling 1.852 km/h on a boat

Knotsferatu

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

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Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never ...

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A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The execut...

What did H say 2 O?

Wat 'er we doing?

Luke chided Han for blaming Chewbacca when everyone got caught in the tree net on the forest moon of Endor.

But let's be honest: it *was* a Wookie mistake.

What's the easiest way to condense milk?

Mlk

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I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881

A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”

I take my wife everywhere...

And she still finds her way home

Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?"

"I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

As an airplane is about to crash...

a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, ...

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I'm scared Mister

So a rapist/murderer is walking into a deep dark wooded area with a 6 year old boy. They are pretty far into the woods when the young boy says: "Mister, I'm scared." The old man turns to the boy and says: "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of these woods alone."

The PC term for Christmas

C:\hristmas

So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain,.....

Can a hooker get laid off?

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"

And God said "A minute."

Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

And God said: "A penny"

Then the man asked:
"God.....can I have a penny?"

And God said:
"Sure.....In a m...

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Black man kills conservative politician!

The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

Superman decides to fly around for fun. When he spots Wonder Woman naked on top of a tall building. He's always had a thing for Wonder Woman. So he swoops down does his business and flies away again. Wonder Woman notices the commotion, and says, "What was that?"

The Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!'"

Irish Wedding Reception

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who made your life worth living..."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death

Have you heard of the corduroy pillow?

Well, its making headlines.

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

H.P. Lovecraft just signed up for netflix...

Next he'll get Cthulhu.

What do you call a Crazy female deer?

A doenut

A blond and a gentleman are in an elevator..

They are alone in the elevator riding up to their office on the top floor when the blond looks at the gentleman, smiles and says "TGIF."

The gentleman grins back at her and says "S.H.I.T"

Puzzled, the blond looks at the gentleman and says more sternly "T.G.I.F"

The gentleman aga...

What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ?

Haploid

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

George H.W. Bush made Jeb a pallbearer

So he could let him down one last time

Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

A B C D E F G, H I J K

LMNT of surprise!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

Why is H always far away?

Because it's in the middle of nowhere.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup, and as she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off he...

The chemical name for water is H, I, J, K, L, M, N O.

H to O

H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...

and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

What starts with H, ends with S, and can be found below my waist and above my legs?

Handcuffs.

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the last thing to go through a fly's head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 100km/h?

Its butt.

Be wary about dating a female that pronounces the letter H silent

Especially when she tells you that all she wants is happiness.

H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k

Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

What did Jaqen H'gar said to Arya after she killed Waif???

Braavos

Girl, is your H+ concentration 1x10^14?

Because you're basic asf.

My friend H+ is very reactive...

I always have to keep an ion him!

"S-H-I-T"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
<...

A married couple is driving down the highway doing 80km/h..

The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks
over at him and says, "Honey, I know
we've been married for 15 years, but, I
want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 100km/h.
She then says, "I don't want you to try
to talk me out of it, bec...

A game develper goes to H*ll

A young game developer is killed before his time, and stands before Saint Peter.
"Because you died so young, we cannot properly judge you on your sins and virtues. Therefore, you will be allowed to choose between going to Heaven or Hell."
Before the developer can express his dismay, St. Peter ...

what is in common between h.clinton and ronda rousey?

they both won the popular vote

What do you call Triple H practicing for a WWE match?

Preparation H

What do the letters G, I, T, N, H, N & O have in common?

nothing

How do you make the letter "H" healthy?

You spin it.

It becomes spin-h.

juh-jen

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