What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A πthon.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

So, a snake walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off of a cliff.

Ba Dum Tss

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A π thon

Happy pi day. #dadjokes

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

Snake joke

First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.

Second snake: Why?

First snake: Because I bit my lip!

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?

Snake 2: No, Why?

Snake 1: I bit my toungue

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”

​

The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.

&am...

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

What noise does a German snake make?

ßßßßßßßßßß

There were two talking snakes....

....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”


“Why not?” asked the snake.


“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

I can do a Snake impression

My friends say it's pretty solid

What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

Why can’t the snake have children?

Ereptile Dysfunction

How do you know if a snake is mad?

It throws a hissy fit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

What do you call a snake that likes math?

An adder.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?

Because it'll come back to bite you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

A young snake asks his mum...

“Mum, are we poisonous or venomous?”

“Why?”, she replied

“Because I just bit my tongue”

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Snakes and condoms,

Two things I'll never fuck with.

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

Fired the maid yesterday because wife suspected maid had been stealing her jewelry. Today I found a snake on our doorstep.

At least we got a diamondback.

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

How do you get a loud snake to be quiet?

Give it an antiHISStamine

What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?

A belt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are many ways to sexually please a snake.

But I won't rattle them off.

What ethnicity is a nervous snake?

Hiss-panic.

What’s the difference between a politician laying dead in the road, and a snake laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Courtesy of my 9yo: What do you call a snake that tells jokes?

A riddle snake.

What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

What does a female snake do after using the restroom?

Viper stuff

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

Snake: Hissssssssss

Feminist Snake: Herrrrrrrrrrr

What do you call a hybrid between a snake and a headgehog?

Barbed wire.

Snakes can't hug.

They just ssssssssnuggle.

Everything we eat always seems to taste like chicken, beef or pork, except for snake.

That always tastes like my ex.

What do you call a cereal box full of snakes?

Honey Bunches of nopes

Snakes

Two snakes on the lawn,one says to the other,” are we the kind of snake that bites our prey OR do we crush them”? The other one says “WE CRUSH THEM”. First snake replies “ Thank gawd for that,I’ve just bitten my lip”

One snake to another...

-Do you know if we are poisonous?
-No, how so?
-I just bit my tounge.

Is the tale of St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland just mythology?

No, it's hiss-story.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

I was just attacked by a bunch of snakes. Not sure how many there were. Around 3.14 I’d guess.

I think they were probably πthons.

I used to have a mathematician friend who turned out to be a snake.

I should have known he was an adder.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

So there’s this snake named Nate...

Nate lived in a hole on the side of a road. Across the road say an innocent-looking lever. However, this lever held a sinister secret; if it was ever pushed, the entire universe would cease to exist. Obviously, Nate was terrified of the lever and its catastrophic capabilities; he actively avoided go...

I was selling a snake and a man called up to inquire..

Man- “how big is it”
Me- “very big”
Man- “cool how many feet”
Me- “none it’s a snake”

A student is going through some hypotheticals about snakes to their biology teacher

student:"What if it bites me and it dies?"

Teacher:"that means you’re poisonous."

Student:"What if it bites itself and I die?"

Teacher:"It’s voodoo."

Student:"What if it bites me and someone else dies?"

Teacher:"That’s correlation, not causation."

Student:"w...

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

There once was a snake breeder...

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I wou...

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

What do you call a snake which is in a different time period than it should be?

An anachronda.

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"

"Because I shed so!"

Did you hear about that snake with a marijuana problem?

it was a real Cottonmouth

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"

She said, "Just give it to him straight."

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Who's the most musical snake in the army?

Major scales.

I bought am inflatable snake the other day.

It went hisss. What a let down.