What did the German snake say?

"ßßßßßßß..."

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long.

I called it a πthon.

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

A snake walks into a bar

The bartender asks: "How did you do that?"

A young snake says to His Mum.

Mum are we poisonous? Mum says no Son why?

Thank God for that I have just bit my tongue:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such a...

I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar.

That’s all, it’s just kinda funny since none of them actually walk.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What s...

A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?

Snake 2: No, Why?

Snake 1: I bit my toungue

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

I got bit by a snake

I had to slide down from 99 to 42

When I was little I was afraid of snakes

Now I'm not little anymore

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

Why don't snakes wear glasses?

No ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

Do you know why God made snakes before he made lawyers?

He needed the practice

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out I've been doing it for years.

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

What sound does a sheep, drum, and snake make when they hit the ground?

Baa Dum Tss

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

My wooden snake isn't limber...

It's lumber.

A Spanish man saw a snake and was very frightened.

_Hiss._

Panic!

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

Snake joke

First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.

Second snake: Why?

First snake: Because I bit my lip!

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

There were two talking snakes....

....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".

Why can’t you trust anything a snake says?

They’re only tales

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

How do you know if a snake is mad?

It throws a hissy fit.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.

“Because you can’t hold your drink.”

A Baby Snake Slithers Up To His Dad...

And says "Dad, what kind of snake are we? Are we chokers or are we biters?"

"Why do you need to know that?", the daddy snake replies.

"Because I've just bit my tounge..."

What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?

Because it'll come back to bite you.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

What ethnicity is a nervous snake?

Hiss-panic.

What do you call a snake that likes math?

An adder.

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snakes and condoms,

Two things I'll never fuck with.

What’s the difference between a politician laying dead in the road, and a snake laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.