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Snake Jokes

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

What do you call a sleeping snake?

A King Coma!

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

An old snake is feeling his age.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
...

A snake walks into a bar

And the bartender says, "how did you do that?"

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Attila’s snake. . .

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetit...

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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such a...

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

What do you call a bunch of snakes in a suit?

No, seriously... I'm new at this job and I don't know how to address an email to the CEO.

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah “We can’t multiply, we’re adders.”

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and ...

How are snakes dangerous?

They can’t even walk

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff…

Baa-Dumm-Tssssss….

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

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[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common?

I don't fuck with either of them.

Two snakes walk into a bar

And the bartender says ,“ how did you even do that " .

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in

What’s the difference between a politician laying dead in the road, and a snake laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite.

With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

Why couldn’t the snake get the other snake pregnant

It had a reptile dysfunction.

What do German snakes say?

"Hiß."

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

I just made a boomerang out of a snake

I have a feeling that idea might come back to bite me in the ass

Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

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why doesnt a snake have balls?

because it would look like a penis

When snakes do 69...

Do they call it 11?

Saw a snake show today..

The handler was having a really hard time getting the giant anaconda out of the sack at first.

Then, after promising an impressive length, he had a hard time getting it to stretch out so that was a let down too.

Finally, the show finished about 45min earlier than promised.

He s...

Did you know they changed the word snake to essential

And people started buying the oils again.

Difference between a snake and a lawyer?

Snakes don't wear watches

My epileptic wife was bitten by a snake.

Now she's having a hissyfit.

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How does a snake hold up her tits?

With a Co-Bra.

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

Nate the Snake

In a large and almost deserted desert, there lives a snake. His name is Nate, he is, Nate the Snake. His one mission in life is to stop a lever from being pushed, because if it is, the world will end. Now, Nate has been the deserts only inhabitant for a while, so he has never had a friend. Then one ...

What do you call it when a snake gets tangled up?

A reptile disfunction

Snake bite

Did you hear about the Australian guy who had a snake come out of the toilet and bite his sack? The guy was OK but the snake died...it had a nut allergy.

Two snakes are slithering down the road & chatting.

Snake #1: Oh, boy. I hope I'm not venomous...

Snake #2: Wait, what? Why?

Snake #1: Because I just bit my tongue.

"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."

"Your snake eats... Bread?"

"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended

I saw a snake in the yard today...

It was a real beast measuring 3.14 meters long! I thought to myself that it must be a Pi-thon...

...but then I remembered, snakes don't have digits!

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

What do you call a snake that builds?

A boa-constructor (9 year old made this up)

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

What do snakes make when they have allergies?

HISStamine

I asked my friend what kind of snake he has

He said he had a python

I asked "how long is it, how many feet?"

He said "none, it's a snake"

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

What do you get when a hedgehog and a snake mate?

Barbed wire!

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What do you call a snake climbing a steel pole?

A ssssssstripper.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

Snake Charmer

An Indian Snake Charmer was having trouble getting his Cobra to stand up and dance for him. No matter how hard he played the Cobra just laid there limply. He finally called the vet and after the vet looked over the Cobra he informed the Snake Charmer that his Cobra was suffering from "a reptile dysf...

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer 'Sorry' said the bartender 'I'm afraid I can't serve you'. 'Why not?' Asked the snake

'Because you can't hold your drink' replied the bartender

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

What’s the difference between a software salesman and a snake oil salesman?

The snake oil salesman knows what’s inside the bottle…

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

Snakes can't multiply!

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".

The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.

Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building ...

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor

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Two guys were out hunting; one of them, Ralph, goy bit on the penis by a snake.

While Ralph writhed on the ground, the other guy, Ted, called poison control and asked what to do to save his friend.
The guy on the phone tells Ted that he needs to score the bite and then suck the poison out.
After a few uh-huhs and nods, Ted hangs up the phone and looks at Ralph with big s...

Short snake

The short snake is late . When will he arrive, I do not know, but he won't be long.

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

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When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your wo...

What did the crow say when he was being swallowed by an snake?

"KAA, KAA!"

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

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A cowboy stumbles upon a magical snake in the desert…

Surprised he pulls his gun to kill it but the snake says ‘don’t, I’ll grant you three wishes!’.

Ok snake, says the cowboy, if you don’t, I’ll kill ya. First i want a mansion; the snake replies, granted!
A mansion appears there and there, in the middle of the desert.

The cowboy; as...

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn’t work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion

My gf is a snake...

Whenever you ask her whose fault was it, she goes "HISSSSSSSSSS"

snake joke

A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

What condition does a snake have that can't get hard?

Ereptile dysfunction

A snake entered an university

Students noticed the snake in the hallway. It was weird since nobody had seen him before. The security arrived and turns out the snake had entered using a fake ID. On asking whose id it was snake replied:

"hissss...."

I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny.

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

You and me, we're like two snakes tied together

We be long together

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