What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ?

A pi-thon

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

What is a baby snake’s favorite toy?

A rattle.

What is a Jamaican's favorite variety of snake?

Cottonmouth or something, I wasn't paying attention.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a snake?

A jump rope.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa-dum-ssss

A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says “How the hell did you do that?"

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A snake was laughing at an elephant. He said: " Hahahah... i've never seen anyone with a dick on his face before!". The elephant was cross. He replied: "Look at yourself. Your face is on your dick!"

Source: not mine.

A group of cows is called a herd; what do you call a group of snakes?

A tangle.

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

A snake entered an university

Students noticed the snake in the hallway. It was weird since nobody had seen him before. The security arrived and turns out the snake had entered using a fake ID. On asking whose id it was snake replied:

"hissss...."

I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny.

What do you call it when a man’s pet snake gets sick?

A reptile dysfunction

Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

Because you can never pull their legs.

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A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

Noah and the Snakes

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immedi...

Why snakes can't rob a bank?

Because they are unarmed

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What do you call a snake that can't get it's penis up?

Ereptile dysfunction

A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff.

The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.

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This girl sometimes swaps out her bra for her huge pet snake to cover her breasts

It's a cobra

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What kind of money did Jewish snakes use?

Snekels.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

What did St. Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"You all ok in the back there?"

An elephant falls off a cliff and lands on a snake

Badum Hsssss

After The Flood...

After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.

"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"

The snakes stared at him in confusion.

"But....we're adders."

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Do you know why a snake is long and legless?

Because if it were short and had legs it'd be a salamander.

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

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One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor...

My gf is a snake...

Whenever you ask her whose fault was it, she goes "HISSSSSSSSSS"

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I call my penis Solid Snake

because it gets in and out and no one feels a damn thing.

Snakes are really wholesome animals.

My dad picked a wild one up now its giving him a tight bear hug... Awww how wholesome.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

‌‌Boy s‌‌cout: S‌‌ir, I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ s‌‌nake, i‌‌s i‌‌t p‌‌oisonous?

Me: N‌‌o l‌‌ittle o‌‌ne, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌sn't p‌‌oisonous a‌‌t a‌‌ll.

*Snake b‌‌ites b‌‌oy a‌‌nd b‌‌oy i‌‌mmediately s‌‌tarts t‌‌o s‌‌pasm a‌‌nd f‌‌oam a‌‌t t‌‌he m‌‌outh, l‌‌eaving t‌‌he o‌‌ther k‌‌ids w‌‌atching, h‌‌orrified.*

Me: H‌‌owever, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌s v‌‌enomous. V‌‌enom ...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

Why did the snake look so jittery?

He took too much Adder-all.

How does a German snake hiss?

ẞßßßßßßßßßß

What does a cool snake say?

In the hiss house!

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

Why is it funny to put a Sheep, a stupid man and a snake next to each other?

Baa Dum Tss

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

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Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

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What do you do with a rattle snake in one pocket and a condom with a hole in it in the other one.

Don't fuck with either one of them.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?

You can't touch yourself.

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[Not the Same one] A sheep and a snake roll down a hill inside a drum

Ba dum tss ba dum tss ba tss tss dum



P.S. i know this is a shitty take on the sound, but you hear it at the start of the video.

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

What’s the best way to code the snake game?

In *python* script

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

I asked my snake: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No!!!!!!!!!

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

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When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your wo...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over...

....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

A guy is out fishing and runs out of bait...

And he sees a snake that slithered into his boat with a frog in his mouth. He’s fishing for big fish, so he thinks the frog should do for bait. He picks up the frog close to his head, and the snake goes limp enough for him to take out the frog. Well, the fisherman didn’t think too far through with ...

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there were two sheep herders at the bottom of a mountain watering their sheep

as they sat there tending the sheep they heard "YEEHAA YOO YEEHAA!" coming down from the mountain they looked up there to see a big cloud of dust coming down the mountain in front of it there is a cowboy riding a big mountain lion whipping it with two rattle snakes when he gets to the sheep herders ...

What do you call a snake that wears panties?

A pythong

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?

The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

What's the difference between an eel and a lawyer?

One's an ugly, slimy, scaly, cold blooded parasitic scum-sucking bottom-feeder,



and the other is a fish that's shaped like a snake.

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?

Hershey's Hiss

What movie would Samuel L. Jackson and David Lynch make?

Snakes on a plane of existence.

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A man was in the woods and needed to pee

As he unzipped his jeans he saw something moving in the grass, not knowing it was a poisonous snake. When he went to get a closer look the snake jumped up and bit him on the dick. As he was screaming and panicking, his friend that was with him came to find out what happened.
“A SNAKE JUST BIT MY ...

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

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The bet

Once there was a really beautiful queen in a kingdom. One day two of the ministers in her council, James and Daniel made a bet. The winner would be the one who can suck the queen's breast.


James had an elaborate plan, it went something like this:


First he bought a snake and t...

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