What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

A sheep, a drum, and snake fell off a cliff

Bah-dum-tiss

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a snake?

A jump rope.

An elephant falls off a cliff and lands on a snake

Badum Hsssss

Noah and the Snakes

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immedi...

A snake walks into a bar

The bartender goes “How’d you do that?”

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

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A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

What kind of money did Jewish snakes use?

Snekels.

How does a German snake hiss?

ẞßßßßßßßßßß

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

What do you call a snake which is 3.14 metres long?

A pi-thon

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

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One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor...

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

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A Talking Snake

Was chatting with his friends and said "I want to bite someone, I am going to bite the next thing that walks my way"

An hour later a man walked pasted the snake and the snake lept out and bit him.

After three agonizing painful days he finally died but not before he could utter his last...

Do you know why a snake is long and legless?

Because if it were short and had legs it'd be a salamander.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

What Snakes are best at dancing?

Rattlesnakes, they like a Rhumba.

What do you do if you accidentally get your pet snake wet?

Put it in a bowl of mice overnight.

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I call my penis Solid Snake

because it gets in and out and no one feels a damn thing.

‌‌Boy s‌‌cout: S‌‌ir, I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ s‌‌nake, i‌‌s i‌‌t p‌‌oisonous?

Me: N‌‌o l‌‌ittle o‌‌ne, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌sn't p‌‌oisonous a‌‌t a‌‌ll.

*Snake b‌‌ites b‌‌oy a‌‌nd b‌‌oy i‌‌mmediately s‌‌tarts t‌‌o s‌‌pasm a‌‌nd f‌‌oam a‌‌t t‌‌he m‌‌outh, l‌‌eaving t‌‌he o‌‌ther k‌‌ids w‌‌atching, h‌‌orrified.*

Me: H‌‌owever, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌s v‌‌enomous. V‌‌enom ...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

What do you call it when a snake can't slither?

A reptile dysfunction

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

“Everyone got seat belts on back there?”

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

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What do you do with a rattle snake in one pocket and a condom with a hole in it in the other one.

Don't fuck with either one of them.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

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Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

I asked my snake: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No!!!!!!!!!

Why is it funny to put a Sheep, a stupid man and a snake next to each other?

Baa Dum Tss

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

What’s a snake’s favorite subject?

HISS-tory

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

What’s the best way to code the snake game?

In *python* script

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

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[Not the Same one] A sheep and a snake roll down a hill inside a drum

Ba dum tss ba dum tss ba tss tss dum



P.S. i know this is a shitty take on the sound, but you hear it at the start of the video.

A snake slithers into a bar...

He asks for a glass of Whiskey, but the bartender refuses and says:
"I won't serve you, you can't hold your alcohol."

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

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When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your wo...

What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?

You can't touch yourself.

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such a...

How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

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I was talking to a friend when she asked “do you wanna see a trick?”

Interested in what it was, I reply “sure, what do you have”

She pulls out a penny and asks “ do you smell anything?” Puzzled for a moment I reply “no, not really” she smirks “you should, it’s a cent.”

She then puts a second penny in front of the first and asks “do you see any fruit?” A...

Translating a Bulgarian joke

Vegans have been screwing us over from the very beginning. If Eve had eaten the snake and not the fruit we wouldn't be in this mess.

A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over...

....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam and Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

What do you call a snake that wears panties?

A pythong

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?

The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?

Hershey's Hiss

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

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old homophobic joke

Two men are camping when one of them goes into the bushes to take a dump and gets bitten on his penis by a snake. He runs to his buddy for help. His buddy consults their first aid book to see what he can do to help his friend, and the book says to cut a small x-shaped incision where the snakebite ...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

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What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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