How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long.

I called it a πthon.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such a...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

A young snake says to His Mum.

Mum are we poisonous? Mum says no Son why?

Thank God for that I have just bit my tongue:

A snake walks into a bar...

The bartender says "How'd you do that?"

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

What did the German snake say?

"ßßßßßßß..."

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

My grandpa died because of a poisonous snake.

He really shouldn't have bit that snake.

A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers

A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar.

That’s all, it’s just kinda funny since none of them actually walk.

When I was little I was afraid of snakes

Now I'm not little anymore

VSCO snakes be like

Ssss ssss Sss

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

I got bit by a snake

I had to slide down from 99 to 42

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

Why don't snakes wear glasses?

No ears.

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

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What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?

Snake 2: No, Why?

Snake 1: I bit my toungue

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out I've been doing it for years.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

A Spanish man saw a snake and was very frightened.

_Hiss._

Panic!

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What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

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I was sitting at the bar one night... (LONG)

I was seated at the bar and had just ordered another drink, when a woman sat down in the stool next to me. She ordered her drink, and then looked down and started checking her phone.

My drink came, and then hers. She put away her phone and took a long drink, and then turned to me and said "yo...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

My wooden snake isn't limber...

It's lumber.

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

Do you know why God made snakes before he made lawyers?

He needed the practice

[garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

There were two talking snakes....

....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

Why can’t you trust anything a snake says?

They’re only tales

How do you know if a snake is mad?

It throws a hissy fit.

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Two guys are camping in the outback

They have been drinking quite heavily and one goes to take a piss in the bush.

A few minutes later he hears a scream and his mate comes back holding his penis.

“Fuck mate, i went to take a piss and pissed right down the hole of an eastern brown snake, he flew out and bit me right on ...

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

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Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What s...

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

I can do a Snake impression

My friends say it's pretty solid

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.

“Because you can’t hold your drink.”

A Baby Snake Slithers Up To His Dad...

And says "Dad, what kind of snake are we? Are we chokers or are we biters?"

"Why do you need to know that?", the daddy snake replies.

"Because I've just bit my tounge..."

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing....

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?

Because it'll come back to bite you.

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

What do you call a snake that likes math?

An adder.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

A man is walking through the forest when get gets bitten by a snake

He looks down and yells

"Did you seriously just bite me!"

and the snake replies

/s^(/s/s/s/s/s/s/s)

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

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Snakes and condoms,

Two things I'll never fuck with.

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Horny man got lost in the desert

He walked and walked and walked and after a month he saw a camel. Then he thought, Finally! Something to fuck! He went to the camel but quickly realized there was a problem, the camels ass was up to high for him. So he went to look for something he could stand on and found this big rock. He took it,...

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