What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

Because you can never pull their legs.

What do you call a snake without any clothes on?

Snake-ed.

Did you hear about the snake that killed animals for fun?

He was a cold blooded murderer

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A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

A snake walks into a bar

Bartender: “How did you do that?”

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

A lamb, a drum, and a snake are thrown off a cliff one day!

Baaah dummm tssssssss

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What do you call a snake that cant have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A Pi-thon!

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

Snake Charmer

An Indian Snake Charmer was having trouble getting his Cobra to stand up and dance for him. No matter how hard he played the Cobra just laid there limply. He finally called the vet and after the vet looked over the Cobra he informed the Snake Charmer that his Cobra was suffering from "a reptile dysf...

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

What do you call a hypothetical situation where a snake chases an asian from point A to point B

A Python-Korean Theorum

Two men are hiking through the woods

**Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”**

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a snake?

A jump rope.

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

What kind of snake is best at Rap?

The Spittin' Cobra

what do you call a constant stream of snake people?

lamia flow.

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

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Atilla and his Anaconda

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.



But his snake lost ...

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

Why snakes can't rob a bank?

Because they are unarmed

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What do you call a snake you can wear as an underwear?

A pithong

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

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What do you call a snake that can't get it's penis up?

Ereptile dysfunction

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

A snake entered an university

Students noticed the snake in the hallway. It was weird since nobody had seen him before. The security arrived and turns out the snake had entered using a fake ID. On asking whose id it was snake replied:

"hissss...."

I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff.

The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.

What is a Jamaican's favorite variety of snake?

Cottonmouth or something, I wasn't paying attention.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What did St. Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"You all ok in the back there?"

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

My gf is a snake...

Whenever you ask her whose fault was it, she goes "HISSSSSSSSSS"

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

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Three men are standing before the gates of heaven

All three men were not really good or bad in life. So the angel at the gates offered for them to be reincarnated instead. But they could only go back as newborn animals. All three men accepted. Then they were told to run off the edge of a nearby cliff and say what they wanted to be reincarnated as a...

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I call my penis Solid Snake

because it gets in and out and no one feels a damn thing.

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

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One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor...

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

I asked my snake: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No!!!!!!!!!

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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A Talking Snake

Was chatting with his friends and said "I want to bite someone, I am going to bite the next thing that walks my way"

An hour later a man walked pasted the snake and the snake lept out and bit him.

After three agonizing painful days he finally died but not before he could utter his last...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

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The animals in the zoo are bored.

The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "...

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What do you do with a rattle snake in one pocket and a condom with a hole in it in the other one.

Don't fuck with either one of them.

What’s the best way to code the snake game?

In *python* script

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

What does a cool snake say?

In the hiss house!

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?

You can't touch yourself.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

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When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your wo...

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

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