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English Language Jokes

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
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Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.
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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...
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It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart
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Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...
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Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
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What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”
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What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.
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I overheard some people talking about the english language.

I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."
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My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible
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English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"
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In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...
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The English Language

Tony


Ptoughneigh

*...yes*
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New English Language change

A large gathering of people is now called a "fuck that."

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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."







He also received standing ovation from the audience.

Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?

Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.

Husband: What?

Wife: YOU.
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My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...
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English language

Chemistry Teacher: .Can you give me the formula for water?.
Student: .H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-
Chemistry Teacher: .Where did you get an idea like that?.
Student: .You told us the other day it was H to O..
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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

What is the most interesting word in the English language?

Stroke it just blows your mind
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What's the scariest sentence in the English language?

We're going to let the people of Alabama make the call.
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People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel

but I think that's just a myth
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Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y

If you don’t believe my check the dictionary
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English Language Transition

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...
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They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.
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Need-a-joke: The English language is like ________, there are lots of rules and ______________.

Not sure if this is kosher here, but I need a joke for a student's speech I'm helping with, something about English and rules.
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The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
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What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.
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This is a joke my four year old son would have told me if I had a four year old son and if he could understand and interpret the English language.

A weary traveler is riding the subway home. It's late and he releases a long drawn out yawn. An old man sitting across from him starts warning him to stop yelling.

The weary traveler lets out another long drawn out yawn due to extreme exhaustion. The old man stands up - points at him an...
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What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine
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I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.
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The people who designed the English language had an interesting sense of humor...

I would love to meet the guy who made up the spelling for lisp.
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The worst thing in the English language is the inconsistency, worst in French is false cognates...

...and wurst in German is sausage.
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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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