An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

​

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

​

Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a...

A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."


The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

My friend asked me to go to an air blowing convention...

But I’m not really a fan

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"



She said, "Yes and No."

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

So he a...

I have a great joke about air, but i think it would just breeze right by you

I have a great joke about air, but i think it would just breeze right by you

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

What two things can get a woman pregnant when they're in the air?

Her feet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If hot air rises...

Why the fuck is it so god damn cold here in Canada?!?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.

An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.

When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

All my life I thought air was free

Until I bought a bag of chips.

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.

​

“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.

​

“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.

​

Bill Cli...

I went to the air and space museum yesterday

There was nothing there

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

What lays on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.

"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.

"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.

"None of them survive...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked me what I was doing?

Apparently ‘heating your dinner’ wasn't the right answer.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.....

**'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to**
**get into heaven.'**


**The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.**


**It...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?

Inflation.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a w...

Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land?

Student : Air Hostess

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog...

But it’s actually a common mist-conception!

Did you know air pods are for poor people.

They can't afford the wires

A Mexican, an Arab and a Redneck are at the same bar. (Offensive)

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says, "In Mexico, glasses are so cheap that we don't have to drink from the same one twice. "

The Arab, impressed by this, grabbed his empty glass and threw it in the air, shortly before shoot...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

Air-tips

I walked up to some kid with airpods in at school and asked him if i could see them for a bit. He than hands me one and i put the long end into my ear and twist it around while saying "thanks dude i really needed to clean my ears," and then gave it back and walked away and he was like "wtf just happ...

What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry?

I JK

An Army soldier, an Air Force pilot, and a Marine stumble upon a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The army man says, "Guys, this is a perfect opportunity!"

"For what?" the others inquire.

Before the other two can finish their thought, the army man walks over to the sheep, drops his pants, and starts giving it hot and heavy to the helpless animal.

"What are you doing?!" excla...

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

Air is quite a poor conductor of heat...

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all t...

A husband and wife have just moved out of the city...

...to a dairy farm at the top of a hill. One day, while on their morning walk, the husband spots their beautiful neighbor tending her garden. A gust of wind blows the neighbors dress up, exposing her rear. The husband, in complete awe and excitement, takes a deep breath and accidentally mutters to h...

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

What did the hydraulic press say to the air pump?

You’re pretty depressing aren’t you

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

What do you need to choose a good air freshener?

common scents

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just sprayed some orange scented air freshener in the bathroom.

Now it smells like shitrus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

I met an old Air Force guy

I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

Ireland has had its worst ever air disaster. A small 4-seater plane has crashed into a cemetery...

So far, rescue workers have retrieved 432 bodies, but expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night...

I don’t get air jokes.

People always say woooooosh after.

Did you hear about how they caught the murderer in Bel Air?

They found some fresh prints at the scene

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Up in the air

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off.

On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

I went as the Air for Halloween

But everyone saw right through my disguise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.

Sitting next to the marine, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the National Air and Space museum today...

Well that was shit, the museum is filled with stuff!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harass...

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

Why do hospitals have air conditioning that makes it so cold?

It's because vegetables last longer when kept chilled.

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport

President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from *the Queen.*

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace..

Suddenly, ...

What wobbles in the air?

A jellycopter

​

I can show myself out.

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't beca...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

I used to talk alot about hot air baloons.

But now my friends say I can't bring it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between fresh air from the forest and paper towel?

The first one is nothing but clean air,

While the paper towel is nut n' butt cleaner.

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?

Guy : Definitely but how do you know my name is Phones???

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hot air balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

What do you call a deer that’s enlisted in the Air Force?

A bombar*deer*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a fish on a plane?

Flying fish.

What do you call a dog on a plane?

Flying dog.

What do you call a turd on a plane?

Air force one.