This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

I told my wife I’m going cool myself to -273.15 degrees C.

She has nothing to worry about, I'll be 0K

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's

Mom: use protection

Daughter: mom I'm 15

Mom: and I'm 30

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m pretty sure my neighbour doesn’t watch porn…

I’ve been over here 2 hours and am still doing dishes.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

Others are definitely going to call ne a nomster

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week.

Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

Why can't blondes work at the M&M Company?

Because they throw away all the ones with w's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.

I just turned 41.

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

I'm going to work on being less condescending.

Condescending means to talk down to people.

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Mom I'm Pregnant....

-Mom I think I'm pregnant

-Are you drunk?

-How do you know?

-A mother knows everything Kevin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m opening a drive-thru dildo store.

Called jackin the box

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

I'm not adulting today.

I'm kidding.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho

So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a bumper sticker that says “honk if you think I’m sexy”

Then I just sit at the green lights until I feel better about myself

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but...

Years of chewing tobacco has discoloured her tooth

Why did the blonde get fired from an M&M factory?

She kept throwing out the Ws.

I’m especially worried about the π variant of COVID.

It’s been several millennia, and π is still unsolved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The news came out of the purple

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

Last Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dog

'How long have you had these symptoms?'

'Ever since I was a puppy'

I used to be worried about 2020, but now I'm worried about 2022

Because 2022 is 2020 too

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctors say I should be fine, but I must warn you -

.. the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

I'm so fat and poor that...

I only have one diabete.

I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.

I’m so poor….

That when people see me walking down the street with only one flip-flop on they say to me “ yo Juan you lost a flip flop” and I say “ no I didn’t, I found one!”

I'm starting an asphalt company on Abbey Road

It'll be called Ringo's Tar

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

I'm selling my digital piano for $100.

No strings attached.

I'm starting a job as a director..

.. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve heard about Viagra but I’m still not going to buy any

My buddy said he bought some and they stiffed him.

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club.

It's open Mike night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of starting a business with focus on laxatives.

It just gets shit done.

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!

Wife: No, you're not.

It's the Covid variant after Omicron I'm really worried about...

it may go on forever

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

Maybe I'm just being overtly suspicious

But it seemed somewhat dubious to me when I saw a hole in the side of the Sperm Bank building, with the sign over it labeled "Night Deposit"?

Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe

Bus driver: I really don't care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve made the decision I’m not going to have kids.

They are gonna be pissed off when I tell them.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

I'm never donating blood again.

So many questions. "where did you get this blood from?", "whose blood is it?", "why is it in a bucket?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm handling my porn collection....

Single handedly.

I've found that I'm a lot happier

Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the vodka.

I'm making a documentary about the American education system.

Shooting starts soon.

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I’m tired of my friend complaining about missing one piece of his 10k puzzle…

If he thinks that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

Some day, I’m going to catch whoever’s been highlighting all of my documents

Mark my words

I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers anymore.

This year, I'm quitting cold turkey.

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer 'Sorry' said the bartender 'I'm afraid I can't serve you'. 'Why not?' Asked the snake

'Because you can't hold your drink' replied the bartender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time

I think I've forgotten this before

I’m a big fan of whiteboards...

**I find them quite re-markable.**

That's it! I'm buying Omicron.

I'll be damned if I let another crypto opportunity slip away.

I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas.

When she opened it her face lit up!

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not sexist.

Sexism is wrong, and being wrong is for women.

People say I’m paranoid…

…because they know I’m on to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m only a little gay…

I’m 5 foot 2.

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

I’m not attracted to blind women.

They are unsightly.

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate.

If you can't come, let me know.

I’m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It’s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3” long and 2” tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

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I’m going to the gym for leg day on Friday.

Then I have to be a pallbearer for my cousin on Saturday. This will be my first time trying to deadlift two days in a row.

I'm part Spiderman and part Batman

I'm poor and without powers

If I have a son I'm going to call him "Dad"

After my dad

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

So I'm serving this lady a bowl of soup

And she says "why is your thumb in my soup?"
I reply " It's infected and the doctor says i need to keep it warm "
She tells me to stick it up my ass!
But she doesn't know where it goes when I'm in the kitchen

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”
Pt: “Give me the worse news first”
Dr: “You have cancer”
Pt: “Oh no! What’s the bad news?”
Dr: “You also have Alzheimer’s”
Pt: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2

I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to sex I'm very consistent.

Like today, I had no sex for the 532nd day in a row.

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

I'm just like a pterodactyl in the bathroom...

Because my P is silent.

What small thing screams "I'm rich"?

A dwarf who just won the lottery.


Credit to u/collider1

I'm not sure these are really 'free range' eggs.

They just sit there in the box mostly.

I'm going to dress up as a Subaru head gasket for Halloween.

There's a really good chance I'll get blown.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters..

..the rest is just e-z

My girlfriend left me because I’m so insecure.

Edit: never mind, she was checking the mail.

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

For Halloween, I'm getting plastered.

I don't drink, I'm just going as a white guy.

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m holding a fundraiser on Friday for people who have trouble reaching orgasm….

If you can’t come, let me know.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It's called an oughtobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their breasts for free tattoos.

Call it..."tit for tat".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I’m a fairly modern man

But apparently, they don’t make a great birthday present.

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate the new homosexual studies class I'm taking this year...

It only has oral tests.

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I'm in hospital because I drunk a cup of petrol.

That was a very fuelish thing to do.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm upset with it

Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

I’m an atheist but…

If I found out God was real I’d be like “No way”. And then God would be like “Yahweh”

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

I’m not wearing underwear.

It’s a brief announcement.

I'm having an Avengers themed party this weekend, but due to COVID-19 restrictions...

...it's going to be a Loki affair.

As I moved my hand up her leg I said, "Baby, your legs are the sauce. I'm going to name them Sweet and Sour."

And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.

I'm 31% dad jokes

And 69% dirty jokes

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

I’m part of a local community group, and recently people have been asking for leftover moving boxes

Each time I want to say the boxes that hold still are more practical

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

My sister is dating a guy in a wheelchair but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I've been told he's not a stand up guy.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I'm so broke.

I just opened the door on my advent calendar and a bailiff was stood there.

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

The last time I played monopoly with my girlfriend, she didn’t talk to me for 3 days. We’re playing again tonight and I’m a bit nervous but hoping it will go better.

Fingers crossed for a week this time.

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom! I'm a 3d printer!

Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you poop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

Guys, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve been doing a lot of adulting more and more lately.

Lol gotcha, I’m only kidding.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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