This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

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I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate.

If you can't come, let me know.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

What small thing screams "I'm rich"?

A dwarf who just won the lottery.


Credit to u/collider1

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

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I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you think I'm sexy'

I then wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

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Mom! I'm a 3d printer!

Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you poop.

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I'm horrible at funerals.

Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when ...

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes..

It’s only a draft at the moment.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

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“I’m constipated, Mr. Holmes.”

“So then you haven’t been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?”

“Yes, no shit Sherlock.”

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

I’m so smart it only took me 6 months to assemble a Jigsaw puzzle

The box says “2-4 years”

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

Broom girl to broom boyfriend: “sweetie, I’m pregnant…”

Broom boyfriend: But that’s impossible! We haven’t even swept together!

I'm writing a book about words I don't know

I haven't come up with a title yet.

I told my psychologist that I'm a masochist.

He said I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

I’m not going back to work until my boss takes back what he said…

You’re fired

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

There is no need to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous!

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

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I’m about to make a joke about cake

You butter believe it…

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I’m giving up drinking, for a month.

*(oops, incorrect punctuation)*

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

I'm Jewish and Nonbinary.

My pronouns are oy/they.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

I’m taller than my grandpa

I’m 5.3 ft and he’s -6 ft

I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand.... What do I have ?

A really fu***ng huge cricket.

Guy: I'm hungover

Girl: Stop trying to flirt with me over the walkie-talkie, someone will hear. Over.

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

Guys, stop making jokes about Eminem and the candy M and M's

He's just a wrapper

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

I'm fair-skinned.

I have tattoos of ferris wheels, tilt-a-whirls and sno-cones.

I’m going to move to France.

I have nothing Toulouse.

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!

Wife: No you're not.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

How did M C Escher die?

He fell down the stairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

I was going to make a nun costume for Halloween, but now I'm hesitant...

They say it's habit forming.

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I'm thinking of leaving the wife as she hasn't been interested in sex since our daughter died, but I can't do it just yet.

The ambulance is blocking my car in.

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“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.

“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?”

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”

“About 5 times a year.”

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a littl...

I'm so amazing. I just rode my thoroughbred through a poppy field

But I should get off my high horse

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(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

When I’m about to run out of toilet paper I always bring two new rolls to the bathroom

an heir and a spare for the throne!

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid...

But I can stop when I want.

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I’m tired of trying to get mules to do work around my farm.

They always half-ass everything.

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

I'm a dyslexic woodworker

I don't have much going on in my life, but I guess that's oaky.

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

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After all these years my wife still thinks I’m sexy

Everything I walk by she says “what an Ass!”.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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Called the boss today and told him i can't come in because I'm sick.

Boss: How sick are you?



Me: Well I'm fucking my sister!

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

[Opens door] “Hello, I’m here to make my annual deposit to the sperm bank...”

“...I’ve been saving them all year.”

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I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

I’m upset that my doppelgänger moved in next door.

I’m beside myself about it.

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

I’m a pianist

My job is always down to the wire

I'm not thrilled my wife is into bondage

but my hands are tied

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."

"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

Patient: Doc: I think I’m psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?

Patient: Next Thursday.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I'm working on a book about vampire gangs.

I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.

I'm so ugly...

I'm so ugly that when I entered my dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave me the ribbon and a scratch behind the ear!

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

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I'm a sarcastic Nazi

/ss

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

I'm not saying your mom is fat, but...

Sailors use her sweat glands to gauge high and low tides.

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm holding a meetup for overthinkers. Saturday at 5pm.

Wait. Saturday might not be the best day. Tuesday is better. Actually, what if no one shows up? Fuck it, meeting is cancelled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm both asexual and apathetic

I don't give a fuck.

I'm half Irish and half jewish...

I'm drinking if you're buying!

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

I'm an exterminator

and I won't be back.

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

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I'm terrified of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Patient: 'Screams'

Therapist: Oh I see.

Patient: 'Screaming intensifies'

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

My friend came up to me and said, "Dude I'm starting a sweatshirts business. It's going to be huge".

I said "Alright make sure you have it in small and medium also."

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

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I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

People seem to think I'm a pushover.

At least that's what my wife's boyfriend has been telling me.

I'm thinking I'm going into labor. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't've.

My contractions are getting closer together.

I'm going to start a luxury panty company...

It'll be called Cucci

An man walks into the bar I'm in...

An older, disheveled man walks into a bar, sits down next to me and orders a shot of Absinthe.
He slams it back, leans to the side and rips a fart out loud that audibly sounds out"hhhhhhonnnnnda."

He orders another shot of Absinthe.
Again, another audible "hhhhonnnda" fart.

This...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology

Please don’t buy it...

I’m in Spain but the S and the I are silent

Seriously guys help, Im being cooked alive right at this very moment

Women say I'm like a machine in bed

Just nuts and bolts

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend: "I'm new to learning about male anatomy how does your penis work?"

Guy: "It doesn't."

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.

My birthday and not my birthday

I'm not a fan of that couch but

that ceiling is up there

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!



Oops, gotta run!

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”

Me: “You’ll get used to that.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not in favor of sex before marriage

disrupts the ceremony

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

I’m not going to tell you what the Streisand effect is.

You don’t deserve to know.

My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure..

Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of coffee.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

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