UPJOKE
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M Jokes

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

I’m into girls, and I’m into guys, yet I’m still single.

So I guess you could say I’m all bi-myself.

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but I had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that I’m married I’m having sex almost every night of the week

We almost did it on Monday, then we almost did it again on Tuesday and on Wednesday really almost did it.

I’m so sick of Millennials and their attitudes….

Always walking around like they rent the place

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

I’m giving up drinking, for a month.

*(oops, incorrect punctuation)*

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m bisexual

I’ve had sex twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can’t come let me know

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

My wife left me because I’m too insecure

No wait, she’s back

She just went to make a cup of coffee

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over.

Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

My girlfriend just told me, “I’m leaving you.”

Me: Is it because I’m too literal?

Her: Well, it’s because we aren’t working out.

Me: No problem. Let’s get a gym membership together.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

I’m reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome

I didn’t like it at first, but it’s growing on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

I’m never playing videogames with Jesus Christ again…

… it took him 3 days to respawn.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

I was told since I’m ugly, to try to be funny.

So I started telling people I’m good-looking.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: I’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh, I see

me: [screaming intensifies]

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was addicted to masturbating but now I’m addicted to sex

Think it’s safe to say that my addiction got out of hand

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...

I’m ready for a holiday.

Paddy says to Mick,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks,
"So what are you going...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay”

Mom: *looks at Dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: “don’t you dare!”

Dad: “hi gay, I’m Dad!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

I’m currently writing this from the hospital.

But don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine. However, I feel I should warn you that “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading name.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Good morning Sir, what’s your name?” “M...M...M...Michael...”

"Oh, I see, you are a stammerer, I am sorry for that!"

"Well no, actually my father was... but the registry office guy was a son of a bitch"

I like to think I’m a pretty good man. I give over 50% of my paycheck to Charity.

But when she’s not working I give it to Destiny.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

I’m outta here!!

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying,
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the k...

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen.
I can feel it.

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”

“What type of book is it?”

“An autobiography.”

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know y.

Why do M&Ms go to school?

Because they want to be a >!Smartie.!<

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m ambivalent about having toast for breakfast.

On the up side, it’s buttered.

On the down side,…it isn’t.

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m trying to concentrate!

Three Irish monks, around 850 AD, were copying manuscripts in the library of their monastery. The monastery had a strict code of silence, allowing monks to speak only once every seven years.

So seven years pass, and the first monk says “Hey Brother Liam, how’s it goin’?”. Another seven years...

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”

I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”

He's said “No - anti-depressants.”

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

My girlfriend said, “This is over. I’m tired of your weird obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

Me: Wait! I can change!

So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Ahem.

So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Ya‘ll know why I‘m not scared of trees?

They‘re all bark, no bite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m into boys and I’m into girls… but I’ve been single for so long I no longer think I’m bisexual

I’m officially all bi-myself

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

I’m trying to get a photographic memory

But its still developing.

My wife said I’m the only one she’s ever been with

The rest were eights and nines.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

Why was blonde eventually fired from the M&M factory?…

She was throwing out all the W’s

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

“Because I’m the Dad, that’s why”

7 year old replies: “Hi Dad! I’m annoying!”

This really happened. I’m not sure how to feel about it.

I’ve been told that I’m indecisive.

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.

I’m dating a Zumba instructor

But it isn’t working out.

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

One of these days my wife is going to realize I’m always right…

Except for when I disagree with her.

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

I’m Celebrating my birthday with many!

many calculus books…my exam is tomorrow

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m no longer a 32 year old virgin!

Happy birthday to me!...

::sniffle::

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

l made $48m today and I’m STILL having Burger King for dinner.

Just another day working at the Federal Reserve.

I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…

Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

I Think I’m a Moth!

A man bursts into a doctor’s office breathlessly flapping his elbows and exclaims, “Doctor can you help me? I think I’m a moth!”

“I can’t help you,” replies the doctor, “I’m a cardiologist. I help people with heart problems. You have a head problem. You need a shrink!”

“I know,” replie...

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.

I’m learning sign language…

Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.

I’m a proud parent of 3 Unvaccinated kids

Edit: 2 kids

Edit: 1 kid

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

I’m not a gynecologist,

but I’m willing to take a look.

I’m already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!

Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

I’m sorry, but I like my jokes like...

I’m sorry, but I like my jokes like I like my eye puns...
The cornea, the better.

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

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