The 92+ Best P Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence?

Parole.

R.I.P. >................ boiling water

*you will be mist.*

What does the letter “p” in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

P.S - im a muslim

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”

The customer says, “Female”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The c...

Why do pirates always need the letter P

Because without it they would be irate

When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

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What did H.P. Lovecraft say when he saw your penis ?

He was able to fully and clearly comprehend it, understand it and describe it.

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What do both smoking cigarettes & eating p*ssy have in common?

The flavors change when you get to the butt.

What did P say to R?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

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What's 7 inches long and starts with a P?

A shit.

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

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They said I could never rip out my p*nis masturbating

But leave it to me to pull it off.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.

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A P and a V are arguing about...

...who had the better owner.

V: my owner regularly takes care of me by trimming, washing, clean clothes and regular visits to gynaecologist. What does your your owner do to take care of you?

P: ...beats me

What do you call music that has a pH greater than 7?

Base-boosted.

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

It starts with P, finishes with N and has 100 letters.

It is a postman.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...

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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

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Finally got my first tattoo. A “P” on my left ass cheek and a “P” on the right

It really pops when I bend over

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

A guy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in. Shes lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says the boyfriend "you must have a vase somewhere!"

What kind of game system does a cat play?

Ps ps ps ps ps

Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.

There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this p...

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

What begins with "p", ends with "orn" and is popular in the movie industry?

Popcorn.

You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent....

That just means urine on the joke.

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)

What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

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I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit. Different year.”

B is just pregnant P

D impregnated her

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face

What does an Italian barista say when they can't remember the letter between N and P?

Affogato.

h0W do3$ tH!s pO5t M4K3 yOu FeEL?

Secure

What do you call when you're confused if you like p*ssy or not?

C\*nt-flicted.

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy

I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he mi...

What is H.P. Lovecraft's favorite streaming service?

ctHULhU

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

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In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

What does the P in Soviet Union stand for?

Private property

RiP Jerry Stiller

I hope you will find serenity, now.

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R.I.P.

The bloke who invented predictive text died last week. His funfair is next monkey and may he rust in piss.

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

R.I.P

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...

and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.

My doctor just told me I have Type-P blood

Turns out it was just a Type-O

Did I come up with this :P

So i tell all my friends this joke that isnt the funniest but I believe I came up with it by myself and I make sure I tell everyone I do. Am i wrong? haha.

anyway. Where is Yodas favourite place to drink?

Dagobah

Am I now a comedian or did I see this somewhere el...

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