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P Jokes

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...
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R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________
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(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!
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What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?

Pockets!
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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office
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found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...
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I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though
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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

R.I.P. >................ boiling water

*you will be mist.*
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P.S - im a muslim

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”

The customer says, “Female”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The c...
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What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<
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What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine
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What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn
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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence?

Parole.
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‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.
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What does the letter “p” in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!
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1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.
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Why don't p

THEY FINISH TOO EARLY!

... er, sorry... I was going to say, "Why don't premature ejaculators make good comedians?".

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Why do pirates always need the letter P

Because without it they would be irate
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A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...
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What did P say to R?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"
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When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.
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What's 7 inches long and starts with a P?

A shit.

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.
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R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...
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You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down
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What did H.P. Lovecraft say when he saw your penis ?

He was able to fully and clearly comprehend it, understand it and describe it.

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office
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Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...
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There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets
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What do both smoking cigarettes & eating p*ssy have in common?

The flavors change when you get to the butt.

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”
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Finally got my first tattoo. A “P” on my left ass cheek and a “P” on the right

It really pops when I bend over

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.
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Bae’s Theorem is P (chill | Netflix) = P(Netflix | chill) * P(chill) / P(Netflix)

Note: {People who get this} ∩ {People who actually Netflix and chill} = ∅
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I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer.

Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.
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In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.
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They said I could never rip out my p*nis masturbating

But leave it to me to pull it off.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.
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A P and a V are arguing about...

...who had the better owner.

V: my owner regularly takes care of me by trimming, washing, clean clothes and regular visits to gynaecologist. What does your your owner do to take care of you?

P: ...beats me

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...
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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

B is just pregnant P

D impregnated her
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My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
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R.I.P.

The bloke who invented predictive text died last week. His funfair is next monkey and may he rust in piss.

A guy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in. Shes lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says the boyfriend "you must have a vase somewhere!"
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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

R.I.P

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
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It starts with P, finishes with N and has 100 letters.

It is a postman.
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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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RiP Jerry Stiller

I hope you will find serenity, now.
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Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy

I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit
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My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*
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A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:


‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’


‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.


The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...
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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."
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P.E.T.A

PEOPLE

EUTHANIZING

THE

ANIMALS
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We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)
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What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!
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Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.


There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this p...
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What do you call music that has a pH greater than 7?

Base-boosted.
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My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic
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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

The 'p' in pharmacist...

Makes all the difference.
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Interview for a job

John goes to the Postal Ministry to face for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The i...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...
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What kind of game system does a cat play?

Ps ps ps ps ps
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The name's Cris P. Bacon.

Cris Pierre Bacon.
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H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar...

and the rest of the joke is too funny even to describe, dear reader.
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What is H.P. Lovecraft's favorite streaming service?

ctHULhU
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Put the P in pool

A police officer is on his beat walking past a public pool. A woman runs out of the pool area and shrieks “Officer!! Officer! There’s a man peeing in the pool!”

The cop responds “so what lady, everyone pees in the pool”

She responds, “well not off the high dive!”
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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face
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R.I.P. Stan Lee

Dying: The final thing Jack Kirby did first, but Stan Lee gets all the attention for.
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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...
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What does the P in Soviet Union stand for?

Private property
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What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus
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Why do they call P.M.S , P.M.S ?

Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.
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What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.
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What did P said to R?

Hide your penis.

Did I come up with this :P

So i tell all my friends this joke that isnt the funniest but I believe I came up with it by myself and I make sure I tell everyone I do. Am i wrong? haha.

anyway. Where is Yodas favourite place to drink?



Dagobah



Am I now a comedian or did I see this somewhere el...
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Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.
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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic
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What begins with "p", ends with "orn" and is popular in the movie industry?

Popcorn.
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h0W do3$ tH!s pO5t M4K3 yOu FeEL?

Secure
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Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"
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That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.
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What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!
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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he mi...

My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew
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My doctor just told me I have Type-P blood

Turns out it was just a Type-O
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My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.
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A mathematician was interviewing for a job

A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "Peop...
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What do you call when you're confused if you like p*ssy or not?

C\*nt-flicted.
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