UPJOKE
methaneoxygenhydrogengasolinepetrolcarbon dioxidenitrogenliquidneonpropanefuelnatural gasplasmanoble gastemperature

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

are they afraid someone will clean them?

a Chicken drives up to a gas station.

Fuels up and goes to pay. Clerk: That'll be 80 bucks. Chicken sighs, clears his throat and starts: Buck... Buck..

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

You ever hear the one about the gas lighter?

No, you didn't.

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car.

Gas prices!

They say cocaine is a rich man's drug. I'm waiting to see people in business suits on the corner with a rag and a can of gasoline.

I used to work in the oil and gas industry.

Eventually I had to quit; it was well boring.

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

What do you call a waffle that has gas?

A belchin’ waffle

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

My dentist can knock you out with gas or his boat paddle.

It’s a matter of ether oar

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

Inflation

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

Old man drinks milk and gets gas.

He has a problem with his dairy air.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

Yea gas prices are going up but there’s still one thing that goes down every day

Yo mama

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

Why is gas always in last place?

It keeps getting passed.

Ayy girl, are you a gas station?

Because your prices went up significantly within the last few months

A greasy middle-aged businessman and his secretary run out of gas..

They had just finished up a business conference in Las Vegas but were now stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert with the sun going down.

"My phone has no reception, we'll have to flag somebody down for help." says the man, looking in his mirror at the dark, empty roa...

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Have you heard the one about the gas lighter?

Yes you have, I know you have, don't say you haven't.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Two gas company servicemen

a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter....

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

A skydiver is unable to open their chute and sees a guy passing them in the opposite direction holding a matchstick.

Skydiver says, "do you know anything about parachutes?"

Guy replies, "do you know anything about gas cookers?"

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

Why are gas prices getting higher?

It still tastes the same to me.

I made a noble gas joke

sadly nobody reacted

gas might be high

But not as high as me

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

Gas station robbery

First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks he approaches the bartender, "Hey, maybe you can help me out. I've just got hit with horrible heart burn, gas and stomach cramps, but I can't leave to get anything because I'm supposed to meet my blind date here in 15 minutes and I don't w...

With gas prices on the rise, I went to the gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas...

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

A man has serious a Gas Problem.

Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.

Then added " i have farted 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, he came to visit t...

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

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gas

How can you tell a male porn star at the gas station.?

just before the tank is full, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the last bit over the bonnet and windscreen.

I was surprised to find out that Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

What happens when you press on the gas and the brake pedals at the same time?

Your car takes a screenshot

I've quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

There was a gas line explosion at the cheese shop in my town

Debrie was everywhere.

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

Why do masochists cook with gas?

Because they’re pro-pain enthusiasts.

A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

I saw a magic car driving down the road

It turned into a gas station

I went into the Auto Parts store

I said:

"I want a new gas cap for my AMC Gremlin."

The owner said:

"Sounds like a fair trade."

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

I asked my boss for a raise.

He said what for?

I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?

I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

Did you know there's a world leader who is famous for their bad gas?

Vladimir Putin

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

A parachutist jumps from a plane...

And after a few seconds he starts to panic because the ripcord isn't working as he continues to plummet to earth. Suddenly, he sees a dude going from the ground up and yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

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"What'd he say???"

An older gentleman pulled into a country gas station while on a road trip with his wife. He got out and proceeded to fill the car with gasoline.

A local was filling up at the adjoining pump. "Nice day today."

"Yes it is," replied the old timer.

His wife, sitting in the passe...

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

Yo' Mama's so Fat...

I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas!

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

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An elderly couple are driving back to Pennsylvania…

They stop at a gas station in New Jersey and the attendant comes out to offer his services.
The wife is very hard of hearing so the husband handles the interaction.

He asks the attendant to top off the gas tank.

“Anything else sir?” the attendant asks.
“Maybe check the tire p...

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I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

Police officer: Why were you driving so fast?

Me: I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out of gas.

What country loves EVs?

Madagascar

Mad a(t) gas car

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'

After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

went to the gas station to pump up my car tire... and the guy charged me 50 cents. I said “it was only 20 gents last week”.

He said “that’s the price of inflation”

There's an interesting feature on your car that you don't know about...

Just like there are brake lights for the brake pedal, there are also gaslights for the gas pedal. No, I didn't make that up, everyone has them. I swear. Have you ever read the owners manual? Everyone knows about them, I'm surprised that you don't. How do not know about the gaslighting?

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

A guy interviews a man on the street

“Low Gas Prices or Protect Trans-Rights?”

“Low Gas Prices”

“Why?”

“Because It’s better for the Trans-mission”

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Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

What is the most self-absorbed gas?

MEthane.

Joke from 1980s sitcom Cheers

Diane: (to coach) can you name a car that starts with P?

Coach: Uh, Pontiac, Porsche ...

Diane: No, Coach, those cars start with gas.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

Oxygen is a toxic gas

You get addicted to it and can't live without it after taking it only once and anyone taking it dies at an average age of 80.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

True Stkry - White driving along a long stretch of Arizona Hwy, 2 nuns ran out of gas.

Remembering they had passed a gas station a few miles back they left their car & walked back to the gas station. Unfortunately the attendant was alone & didn't have a vehicle to loan the nuns or even an extra gas can to give them to at least go back and get their cat started so they could re...

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A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

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We went on a long-overdue family road trip this summer.

Unfortunately, we ran out of gas on Donner Pass. When I called for help they really chewed my ass.

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

Asked my wife to buy me some lighter gas

She came back with helium

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