before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether / oar situation.

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

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Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid.

My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

4 guys were in a car when it ran out of gas

The driver new a quick way to the nearest gas station by cutting throught the woods. About half way there they stop to take a break and one of them whips out bottles of water for everyone to drink. The second gives everyone a piece of his left over sandwich and the third guy says
"I brought the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Neptune made up of gas?

Because it is next to Uranus.

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

You wanna know what gives me uncontrollable gas?

A brick on the accelerator.

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

How do you make a gas into a solid?

Push harder

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

I just had a Tesla drive past me with a license plate that says “gas... Ew”

I’ve never had a car call me poor before.

The air compressor at the gas station used to be a quarter, now it's a dollar.

That's the cost of inflation.

Why is the air pump at gas stations so expensive?

Inflation.



Credit to @foone on the twitters.

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

What do you call a hippo that passes gas?

A Rippofartimus

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

how to pass gas

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.

After just a few songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lying in bed didnt know if he had to poop or pass gas

So he took a shart in the dark

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

What's the cross between a turtle and a gas station?

Shell

;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

I told my boss I needed a raise...

He asked why, I told him 3 companies are after me. He asked which companies, I said Gas, Electricity, and Water.

I remember when it used to cost 25 cents to fill my tires at the gas station. Now it costs $1.25!

Inflation is getting out of hand.

My gas station got robbed

My gas station is out of Red Bull because a robber broke in and stole it

I don’t know how they can sleep at night

A man goes to the gas station to buy some condoms

“That’ll be $3.99” says the clerk, “Would you like a bag?”
I replied, “No, she’s actually quite pretty.”

If my house and the gas station are 1 mile apart

Why has it taken my dad 17 years to get smokes?

Purple Gorilla

A guy is driving down the highway as he sees a sign pointing down the road advertising a purple gorilla. He thinks to himself that there's no way that's true so as he's going down the road, he sees a small building with a label to see this so called purple gorilla. Curious, he parks and walks up to ...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

What happens to your car when you press the gas and brake at the same time?

It takes a screenshot.

A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.

"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

"I thought you were t...

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

So I was at a gas station bathroom

And i dropped a five dollar bill in the toilet by accident. I ask myself would i stick my hand in that disgusting toilet for a mere $5? I said no.
So i took out another five dollars and chucked them in the toilet. I'll definitely stick my hand in that toilet for ten dollars.

Just A Little Gas

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun notic...

A noble gas walks into a bar

The bartender says
“We don’t serve your kind here”

The noble gas has no reaction.

We don't call them gas chambers.

We call them surprise mechanics.

- Nuremberg Trials 1945

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

They’re afraid someone will clean them

If Elon Musk was a country, what country would he be?

Mad at gas car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

Yo Mama so fat

I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Laughing gas got leaked in a room.....

Laughing gas got leaked in a room. Man, it was a funny smell..

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

Elon Musk was forced to resign and King Julien took over

They needed someone who was more passionate about electric cars and who could beat King Julien? I mean everyone knows King Julien was in the “Mad at Gas Cars” movies.

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are Twelve Days of Christmas....

....and not a single one of them is in fucking November.



:edit: overheard at a gas station line. figured I would share.

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on a date with a girl and has bad gas...

So the guy is on the date and has to fart really bad. He gets through the date and the car ride without farting. And he let's his date out of the car and he says, "I did it." The girl comes back and asks him to come in to meet her dad. He begrudgingly agrees, and meets her father. So the dad is talk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

When you gas an old people's home .....

Silence of the nans

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

What do you say to a dead woman with gas

Obituary

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was just at the gas station buying condoms and my card gets declined...

I just got cock-blocked by Visa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth. The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Dark] My coworker and I were comparing the uses of mustard.

Me: If you have a burn problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a cut problem, put mustard on it

Me: If you have a hotdog problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a Jew problem, put mustard on it

Other worker, to manager: She's talking about the gas

Manager: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas problem

An old lady goes to the doctor.

 

-Doctor, I have a problem with flatulences, but in reality, it doesn't bother me much, since they never smell and are always silent. Let me give you a concrete example:

Since I entered your office, I've already farted, at least, about 2...

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