Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

What you call a person driving a car under the influence of laughing gas ?

Madagascar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

What do you say to a dead woman with gas

Obituary

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

Where can you get gas for a $1.49?

Taco Bell.

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes on a date with a girl and has bad gas...

So the guy is on the date and has to fart really bad. He gets through the date and the car ride without farting. And he let's his date out of the car and he says, "I did it." The girl comes back and asks him to come in to meet her dad. He begrudgingly agrees, and meets her father. So the dad is talk...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

3 motorcycle bullies walk into a gas station.

3 men had arrived at a gas station using their motorcycles. Inside, was an elderly trucker, eating a pie by himself. The first man walked up to him and spit in his pie. The second man shoves his cigarette into his pie, and the third man knocks it onto the ground. Without a word, he leaves the gas st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas problem

An old lady goes to the doctor.

 

-Doctor, I have a problem with flatulences, but in reality, it doesn't bother me much, since they never smell and are always silent. Let me give you a concrete example:

Since I entered your office, I've already farted, at least, about 2...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar...

So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.

I save money by filling up just the tank.

So the other day I went to get gas at Sheetz...

And as I pull in beside a pump I see this dumbass smoking a cigarette while filling up his tank. I wondered why no one had done anything about it. Even two cops standing outside of their squad car didn’t seem to mind.

So minding my own business I go into the Sheetz to get a coffee, and all o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was just at the gas station buying condoms and my card gets declined...

I just got cock-blocked by Visa

I got gas yesterday for £1.29

To bad it was from tacobell

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

What’s a ten letter word that starts with gas?

Automobile

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know when a pornstar is pumping gas?

After the tank is full, he pulls the nozzle out and sprays gasoline all over the trunk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

Save gas:

Fart in a jar.

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

Why did Zeus shut off the gas when a goddess was out for a jog?

Because Demeter was running

Noble gas jokes are rubbish

I never get a reaction from them...

Duck walks into a gas station

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: No this is a gas station, we don’t sell grapes here.

Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes.

Duck leaves a...

One day a man runs out of gas the the highway.

He walks around for a while and sees a man walking around and examining sign posts. He stops and asks him what he's doing. The man goes
"I'm just scoping out sign posts, y'know, reporting the ones that need to be removed." The man who ran out of gas figured that it made sense, but had a few ques...

Where did Mary go after the gas explosion at her house?

Everywhere...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

Is it okay to repeatedly tap the gas pedal instead of hold it down?

I ask because I didn't want to leave it depressed.

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minute...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

Kcpd got me with a dad joke

I deliver gas(context). The officers were standing out front of the gas station. I was walking back to my truck.
Me: "Yall have a goodnight and be safe"
Officer:"Thankyou you too. Good luck with
Your gas problem"
Made my night and I laugh about it at work alot.

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

Because every time the tank was almost full he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gas all over the car.

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

Why does Russia have so much natural gas?

Because their leader is always Putin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remai...

Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.

When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

What did the Egyptian say to his friend when they both passed gas at the same time?

We just had a toot in common

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark f...

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do DJs like to pass gas?

*It gives them a chance to put their shit on BLAST!!*



I'm so sorry. I'll show myself out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 aliens meet a gas pump

2 aliens crash land in Roswell NM. Walk up to a gas station pump , pull out a ray gun and say:

Alien 1: take me to your leader.
Gas pump just sits there
Alien 2 umm..., you probably shouldn’t mess with him..
Alien 1... nah man he knows. He’s part of the collective
Alien 2: 🙄
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

A newly married couple is driving the back roads in Arkansas and needed to stop for gas

They happened upon a small gas station. As they went to pay for the gas they noticed an older Native American man sitting by the door.
Just being a little silly the husband says "Howgh", and raises his hand in the air. The older man nods.
Inside the gas station they ask the teller about th...

Guys walks in to a parts store. “Can I get a new gas cap for my Yugo?”

The attendant replies, “sounds like a fair trade to me.”

1848: You Have Died of Dysentery

2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.

"How much longer are we going to have endure this erupting volcano full of hot air and gas" asked the Hawaiian

"I don't know, but turn off Twitter for a short term solution"

An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."

"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chuck Norris once pissed in a truck's gas tank.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

Gas or electric?

Gas is the most popular method; electric if your last name is Rosenberg.

I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...