What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.

"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

"I thought you were t...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Mystery of gas station bathrooms

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

A deaf man is standing by his car on a highway when...

Another deaf man approaches him.

Man 2 : Are you out of gas?

Man 1 : No, I am out of gas.

Man 2 : Oh! I thought you were out of gas.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

A drunk man walked into a gas station

He had accidentally gotten gasoline on his arm while fueling his car, while he was paying for his gas he picked up a lighter and lit it up. His arm immediately went up in flames.

When this happened a cop in the store pulled his gun and shot the man 10 times. The attendant in a panic asked...

What goes up must come down. But what doesn’t?

Gas prices

When you gas an old people's home .....

Silence of the nans

Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth. The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

What's the cheapest gas?

Freon

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

What do you say to a dead woman with gas

Obituary

Where can you get gas for a $1.49?

Taco Bell.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes on a date with a girl and has bad gas...

So the guy is on the date and has to fart really bad. He gets through the date and the car ride without farting. And he let's his date out of the car and he says, "I did it." The girl comes back and asks him to come in to meet her dad. He begrudgingly agrees, and meets her father. So the dad is talk...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas problem

An old lady goes to the doctor.

 

-Doctor, I have a problem with flatulences, but in reality, it doesn't bother me much, since they never smell and are always silent. Let me give you a concrete example:

Since I entered your office, I've already farted, at least, about 2...

What is the coldest gas?

Brrrr-omine gas.

So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.

I save money by filling up just the tank.

3 motorcycle bullies walk into a gas station.

3 men had arrived at a gas station using their motorcycles. Inside, was an elderly trucker, eating a pie by himself. The first man walked up to him and spit in his pie. The second man shoves his cigarette into his pie, and the third man knocks it onto the ground. Without a word, he leaves the gas st...

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was just at the gas station buying condoms and my card gets declined...

I just got cock-blocked by Visa

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

I got gas yesterday for £1.29

To bad it was from tacobell

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

What’s a ten letter word that starts with gas?

Automobile

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

Noble gas jokes are rubbish

I never get a reaction from them...

Save gas:

Fart in a jar.

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

One day a man runs out of gas the the highway.

He walks around for a while and sees a man walking around and examining sign posts. He stops and asks him what he's doing. The man goes
"I'm just scoping out sign posts, y'know, reporting the ones that need to be removed." The man who ran out of gas figured that it made sense, but had a few ques...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

Why did Zeus shut off the gas when a goddess was out for a jog?

Because Demeter was running

Where did Mary go after the gas explosion at her house?

Everywhere...

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

Duck walks into a gas station

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: No this is a gas station, we don’t sell grapes here.

Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes.

Duck leaves a...

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minute...

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.

When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

Kcpd got me with a dad joke

I deliver gas(context). The officers were standing out front of the gas station. I was walking back to my truck.
Me: "Yall have a goodnight and be safe"
Officer:"Thankyou you too. Good luck with
Your gas problem"
Made my night and I laugh about it at work alot.

How do you make laughing gas?

^3 He

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remai...

Why does Russia have so much natural gas?

Because their leader is always Putin

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark f...

What did the Egyptian say to his friend when they both passed gas at the same time?

We just had a toot in common

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who ...

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 aliens meet a gas pump

2 aliens crash land in Roswell NM. Walk up to a gas station pump , pull out a ray gun and say:

Alien 1: take me to your leader.
Gas pump just sits there
Alien 2 umm..., you probably shouldn’t mess with him..
Alien 1... nah man he knows. He’s part of the collective
Alien 2: 🙄
...

A newly married couple is driving the back roads in Arkansas and needed to stop for gas

They happened upon a small gas station. As they went to pay for the gas they noticed an older Native American man sitting by the door.
Just being a little silly the husband says "Howgh", and raises his hand in the air. The older man nods.
Inside the gas station they ask the teller about th...

Guys walks in to a parts store. “Can I get a new gas cap for my Yugo?”

The attendant replies, “sounds like a fair trade to me.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.