UPJOKE
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My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go.

Taco Bell bean burritos.

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

Yea gas prices are going up but there’s still one thing that goes down every day

Yo mama

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

Why is gas always in last place?

It keeps getting passed.

Ayy girl, are you a gas station?

Because your prices went up significantly within the last few months

My dentist can knock you out with gas or his boat paddle.

It’s a matter of ether oar

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC; Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

Inflation

Old man drinks milk and gets gas.

He has a problem with his dairy air.

A greasy middle-aged businessman and his secretary run out of gas..

They had just finished up a business conference in Las Vegas but were now stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert with the sun going down.

"My phone has no reception, we'll have to flag somebody down for help." says the man, looking in his mirror at the dark, empty roa...

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Have you heard the one about the gas lighter?

Yes you have, I know you have, don't say you haven't.

Two gas company servicemen

a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter....

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

Why are gas prices getting higher?

It still tastes the same to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

A parachutist jumps from a plane...

And after a few seconds he starts to panic because the ripcord isn't working as he continues to plummet to earth. Suddenly, he sees a dude going from the ground up and yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

Gas station robbery

First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.

I asked my boss for a raise.

He said what for?

I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?

I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

I made a noble gas joke

sadly nobody reacted

With gas prices on the rise, I went to the gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas...

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

gas

How can you tell a male porn star at the gas station.?

just before the tank is full, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the last bit over the bonnet and windscreen.

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

A man has serious a Gas Problem.

Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.

Then added " i have farted 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, he came to visit t...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Gas prices

Customer to the gas station attendant: How much is a gallon of gas?
- Attendant: $8
- Customer: Damn! How about 1/2 a gallon?
- Attendant: $4
- Customer: Hmm…how about 1/4 gallon?
Attendant: $2
- Customer: How much for a…let’s say a drop of gas?
- Attendant: I don’t know…...

There was a gas line explosion at the cheese shop in my town

Debrie was everywhere.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

What happens when you press on the gas and the brake pedals at the same time?

Your car takes a screenshot

Yo' Mama's so Fat...

I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas!

I've quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

There's an interesting feature on your car that you don't know about...

Just like there are brake lights for the brake pedal, there are also gaslights for the gas pedal. No, I didn't make that up, everyone has them. I swear. Have you ever read the owners manual? Everyone knows about them, I'm surprised that you don't. How do not know about the gaslighting?

Why do masochists cook with gas?

Because they’re pro-pain enthusiasts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

I don’t like to brag about the expensive trips I go on…..

….but I went to the gas station today.

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

Did you know there's a world leader who is famous for their bad gas?

Vladimir Putin

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde woman and the petrol station

The blonde woman goes up to the petrol station attendant and says:
- Excuse me, but the pump won't reach the car!
The gas station attendant says:
- It's too far, move closer!
The blonde woman slides right up to the gas station attendant.
- Excuse me, but the pump doesn't reach the car...

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor repli...

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

No vacation

With the high cost of gas and the airlines canceling flights right and left, I've come to the realization I won't be taking a vacation this year. I even told my luggage that as I sadly put them in storage. Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'

After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Chinese takeout,,,

### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the c...

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date.

I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

You know it's getting bad when....

Kelley Blue Book asks is the gas tank full or empty.

went to the gas station to pump up my car tire... and the guy charged me 50 cents. I said “it was only 20 gents last week”.

He said “that’s the price of inflation”

What is the most self-absorbed gas?

MEthane.

Drink dont drive

Liquor is cheaper than gas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flash Sale!

With gas prices being so high, and inflation rising at such an alarming rate, I have no choice but to shamefully sell my nudes.

$1 to receive one
$50 to NOT receive one

True Stkry - White driving along a long stretch of Arizona Hwy, 2 nuns ran out of gas.

Remembering they had passed a gas station a few miles back they left their car & walked back to the gas station. Unfortunately the attendant was alone & didn't have a vehicle to loan the nuns or even an extra gas can to give them to at least go back and get their cat started so they could re...

It used to be free.

Re-pumping up your car tyres at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.

Why you ask?

Inflation.

7/11 isn't giving out free slurpees this year!!

Instead of offering free slurpees they will be offering discounted gas at a price of $7.11

Oxygen is a toxic gas

You get addicted to it and can't live without it after taking it only once and anyone taking it dies at an average age of 80.

Why did the noble gas do meditation?

He wanted to get his xen-on.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only miner injuries.

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

Asked my wife to buy me some lighter gas

She came back with helium

What do you call a pirate/noble gas that lost the pirate accent

Arrr-gone

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