UPJOKE
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Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

are they afraid someone will clean them?

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...

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Got gas?

A guy walks into a proctologist's office and says, "Doc, my farts don't smell. Could it be a new stomach virus?"

The doctor ushers him into a small exam room, closes the door and instructs him to pass gas. The man grunts and lets loose a mighty bafoon. The doctor immediately takes out his pad...

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes, you have.

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

You ever hear the one about the gas lighter?

No, you didn't.

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

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Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

Gas prices!

They say cocaine is a rich man's drug. I'm waiting to see people in business suits on the corner with a rag and a can of gasoline.

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Three men run out of gas at a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Nothing is in sight and the nearest gas station was far beyond walking distance.


The three men decide to knock on the door and ask the farmer for gas. The farmer agrees to give them gas but only in exchange for a favor. His daughter was desperate to be laid.


The men looked at e...

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

Do you know who can guzzle 5 gallons of gas?

Gerry can

I got gas for 2$ today.

The Taco Bell value menu still slaps though

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

Why was the noble gas so sad?

all of his friends argon

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

What will the gas stove enforcement agency be filled with?

"gas-stop-o" agents

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

What do you call an Egyptian rapper with bad gas?

>!Tootin' Common!<

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Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

Gas prices

Customer to the gas station attendant: How much is a gallon of gas?
- Attendant: $8
- Customer: Damn! How about 1/2 a gallon?
- Attendant: $4
- Customer: Hmm…how about 1/4 gallon?
Attendant: $2
- Customer: How much for a…let’s say a drop of gas?
- Attendant: I don’t know…...

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

I went into the Citgo gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

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gas

How can you tell a male porn star at the gas station.?

just before the tank is full, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the last bit over the bonnet and windscreen.

In an effort to create a more traditional vibe for our downtown, I proposed bringing in some gas lighting.

The city council called me crazy and said they already talked about this last meeting.

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

Gas station robbery

First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Timed Gas

Timed Gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was starin...

gas might be high

But not as high as me

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

My car ran out of gas, and then started hugging everyone...

It was on E

I paid $30 for gas that would last for weeks

And when I finished eating at Chipotle, I stopped at 7 Eleven to fill my car up.

Where is the most expensive place to get gas?

Chipotle.

What do you call a cat who likes to pass gas?

Puss and toots

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

Why are gas prices getting higher?

It still tastes the same to me.

I made a noble gas joke

sadly nobody reacted

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minute...

Why is gas always in last place?

It keeps getting passed.

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

The pressure of a gas is inversely proportional to its volume—Boyle’s Law.

Any leftover cabbage must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

—-Cole’s Law.

Ayy girl, are you a gas station?

Because your prices went up significantly within the last few months

Old man drinks milk and gets gas.

He has a problem with his dairy air.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Did i ever tell you the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes I did, I told you yesterday. You never listen to me.

I heard about the ideal gas law in physics class PV=nRT…

and I heard non-ideal gas law in a crowded elevator PU=faRT

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

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If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Yea gas prices are going up but there’s still one thing that goes down every day

Yo mama

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

Yo momma so fat

I tried driving around her and ran out of gas.

When she steps on a scale it says 'please, one at a time'

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A city guy needs a bio break while driving through the country. He stops at a gas station, and they only have an outhouse.

He goes back to the outhouse, and there are two holes, one of them in use. He goes up to use the other one.

After he's done, 75 cents falls out of his pocket while he's pulling up his trousers. He looks in the hole, finishes pulling up his trousers and pulls out his wallet. He pulls out two h...

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

Oxygen is a toxic gas

You get addicted to it and can't live without it after taking it only once and anyone taking it dies at an average age of 80.

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Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o’ the mornin to ya"
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are tho...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Americans In Canada

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saska...

What do you mean gas shortage

There's plenty of Taco Bells in the US

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

Why did the noble gas do meditation?

He wanted to get his xen-on.

I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but I had no gas in my car so...

...I rode my stationery bike.

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

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Explosive Gas

So three people got on small airplane. A Japanese Guy, an Australian guy, and an American guy.

During the plane ride the Japanese guy opened the window and tossed his prized Katana out the window and said "This is for my country" .

Later, the Austrailian guy opened the window and toss...

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A gas problem

An old lady goes to the doctor.

&nbsp;

-Doctor, I have a problem with flatulences, but in reality, it doesn't bother me much, since they never smell and are always silent. Let me give you a concrete example:

Since I entered your office, I've already farted, at least, about 2...

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