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Solution Jokes

If you're not part of the solution...

You're part of the precipitate.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

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Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

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Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

If your Mercury is in retrograde, I have a perfect solution for your problem.

Stop believing in astrology.

Solution.

If you are struggling to sleep at night because of hot and humid weather.

I have a solution.

Get into bed, lay on your side and get as close to the edge of the bed as possible.

You will soon drop off.

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

In this age of missinformation and misogony I propose a solution

Misterinformation and mistersogony.

I calculated the solution for the baby formula problem, but I got it upside-down.

58008.

One stop solution

What to do when your TV remote is not working or you are having relationship problems or you are feeling lonely?

Beat it.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

People tell me "Alcohol isn't a solution"

But why should I listen to someone who clearly flunked chemistry?

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the ri...

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.

Suicide is never a solution..

Unless it's of your convicted friend who used to supply underage girls to you...

My girlfriend is actually a solution

... of equation x²+1=0

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage:

Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus

What’s the best solution for incontinence..

Depends.

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but...

...we're definitely getting warmer.

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

My pastor always says "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". I found a solution though. Eve and Steve just need to take a turn together!



That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

And the solution for Brexit is.

42

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

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The Chinese Solution

While in China , an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a do...

The solution

“What the hell, are you insane?!”

“What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”

“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”

I have a solution to global warming!

Nuclear winter.

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
<...

A Roman has almost found a solution for COVID-19.

So far he's got 10051531...



He just needs to decode the letter "O" now.

Constipated mathematician looks for a solution.

Works it out with a pencil.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

Trump's final solution...

Gas the news

If something doesn't exist, it isn't. if someone fails to do something, they didn't. if liquor isnt the solution to anything, what does that make it?

A solven't.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Solution to a Man's temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

In chemistry different kinds of solutions can have different charges but do you khat kind of solution has a charge of -6 million?

The final solution

Lobotomy is the solution for all mental illnesses

It's a no brainer

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

I have a solution to procrastination

I will tell you tomorrow

A mathematician asks his coworker to solve a complex equation for him.

After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

Multiplying by zero is just suicide in math: you don’t really get a solution, but the problem goes away.

Shower thoughts didn't like it, but maybe you will

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

What is it called when Al Gore comes up with a solution to a problem?

An Al-Gore-ithm.

I'll see myself out.

To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

I have the solution to the drought in California

Just let all the ladies hear my mixtape

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

Words to live by from a chemistry professor: If you're not part of the solution...

you are part of the precipitate.

I could tell you that sodium hydroxide is a liquid out of solution.

But then that would be a lye.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...

... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.

The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by waf...

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

In light of the recent fentanyl incidents. Who would have thought the solution to the war on drugs...

Was just stronger drugs???

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution.

The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.



“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.



“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”

I met a guy whose job was to find new solutions to decrease the density of water transport.

I was like, hey, whatever floats your boat, man.

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UN Survey

Last month, the UN conducted a global survey:

# "Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World."



The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop.

Why?



\-In Africa, participants didn't know what ...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

My girlfriend complained we don't spend enough time together. So she came up with a perfect solution...

... and broke up with me.

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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

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