UPJOKE
racyrisquemischievousbluespicyjuicygameygamybadcutegirlysaucysillycreepyfunny

Naughty Jokes

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him...

Little boy: "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?"
Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"
Teacher : " I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...

Teache...

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl

"For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Naughty Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice ...

Why is Santa always smiling?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naughty Nuns

4 Nuns travelling in a car get into an accident and die.
They each arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
He tells them all that they've lived a good life and are welcome in but only if they honestly answer his question.

"Have you ever touched a penis since ...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

Did you hear about Pinocchio's naughty girlfriend?

She sat and his face and sang "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

Walt Disney was naughty as a child.

He was always taking the mickey.

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

What do linguists do when they’re feeling naughty?

They get into some antics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute walks into a church...

She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask,

"What troubles you, my child?"

The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."

The priest sighs and sa...

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

Naughty List

My wife pointed at me and said, "Well you're definitely on the naughty list this year."

"In my defence," I replied, holding my hands up, "I was drunk and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round."

She stared at me for a few moments, "... I was going to say you forg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day,...

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?

Mummies, I guess.

Naughty Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Joc...

What happens when a fly is naughty

It gets grounded

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

How do the best naughty jokes start off ?

The best naughty jokes start with a quick look over your shoulder to see who might be listing!

Why are oak trees so naughty?

They nut all over the place

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sage curses a naughty kid

A kid was throwing stones on a tree. Every time he would miss the tree and say "Oh shit, I missed the target".

A sage was passing by and he asks the kid to stop throwing stones. The kid ignores and throws another stone.

"Oh shit, I missed the target."

The sage gets angry and s...

You know what's naughty and nice...

*69*

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

Where do all the naughty pancakes go?

Flipping Hell!

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

Teacher With Naughty Johnny

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

Naughty Nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily...

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!


2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

4. How long will it take after you stick it in?

5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

What do naughty kids and surge protectors have in common?

You'd be shocked if they weren't grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some naughty science shit.

63 earths can fit inside ur-anus.

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

10 Things In Golf That Sound Naughty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two naughty little boys

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list?

He needed more coal anyway.

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little lad asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs.

"It's because you are so naughty" she tells him.

"Well,..." he replies, "...having seen grandma, you must have been a right twat."

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." ...

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Naughty Friend

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I ...

Why is E the nicest letter?

Because all the others are naughty.

What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?

Haram bae.

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

I’ve decided to make it easy on Santa this year.

Only thing I’m asking for is one of the women on his naughty list.

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

I was feeling a little naughty, so I decided to run as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail while naked

A mile in to my jog to the post office, the police stopped me.

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.



Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?  Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

Santa Jingle…

He's making a list.

He's checking it twice.

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

The next time a got a new dog, I will name it 'Gateway'

So if it did something naughty, instead of yelling "Bad Gateway!"

I will just yell "502!"

This Christmas...

Naughty children will be given £1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.

A dislexic cultist tried to summon satan.

He was told he was on the naughty list.

i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat...

so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer

A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.

"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.

"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.

"He took off his robe"

"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to bre...

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

What do you call a naughty football joke?

An offensive line

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me

I was never scared though, I loved disco music

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.