Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?

Mummies, I guess.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

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What do you call a secret cabal of strippers who surreptitiously control the adult entertainment industry?

The Illumi-naughty

My girlfriend told me this morning: " I want you to be naughty to me in the shower."

So I put shampoo in her eyes.

Walt Disney was naughty as a child.

He was always taking the mickey.

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I really hate double standards

When a girl buys a dildo, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, he's called a pervert?

What's the difference between a kid in a time out, and some coffee?

One is naughty, the other is not tea.

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A very conservative husband on his wedding night....

finds that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

"Kiss My Ass."

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

I was feeling a little naughty, so I decided to run as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail while naked

A mile in to my jog to the post office, the police stopped me.

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

As a kid I was told Santa would carry me away in his sack if I was naughty.

I guess this is how I got my claustrophobia.

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the...

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

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Good Friends

Two young fellas were out for a walk one day. As they walked, they came upon a sheep farm. A little further down, they came upon a sheep with his head stuck in the fence. One of these boys, a very naughty boy, ran right over, pulled down his pants, and really fucked the hell out of this sheep. I...

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Naughty Nuns

4 Nuns travelling in a car get into an accident and die.
They each arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
He tells them all that they've lived a good life and are welcome in but only if they honestly answer his question.

"Have you ever touched a penis since ...

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

Why are oak trees so naughty?

They nut all over the place

Why is E the nicest letter?

Because all the others are naughty.

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

You know what's naughty and nice...

*69*

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

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The Naughty Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice ...

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Doctors of reddit - please help! My wife is unable to sit.

We were having naughty time on bed while I was blindfolded.

She wanted to try this new fancy butt plug we had bought earlier. Here's the thing: Instead of using the lubricant, I may have used super-glue by mistake.

What do naughty kids and surge protectors have in common?

You'd be shocked if they weren't grounded.

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Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!


2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

4. How long will it take after you stick it in?

5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.
...

[Long] A woman walks into a pet shop

When looking around she sees a terrarium with a sign reading "Naughty frogs". Asking the shop owner what is special about them he replies: "They will make your fantasies come true. Put him on the bed, light up some candles, kiss him and let the magic begin."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"No prob...

A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.

"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.

"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.

"He took off his robe"

"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to bre...

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?

Haram bae.

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

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Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list?

He needed more coal anyway.

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day,...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

A church is making a Bible translation

A church is making their own translation of the Bible for children. One of the priests says to the leader of the project:

- Sir, we only have one sentence left.

- What is it?

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- That's not to difficult. Do it and call for printing.<...

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me

I was never scared though, I loved disco music

Teacher With Naughty Johnny

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

In the days of Noah why did God kill all the sinners with the flood?

It was naughty cull.

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

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Naughty Maths Question

People Always Complain That Maths Isn't Interesting. But If Our Teachers Asked Questions Like This, Maybe We Too Would Be Maths Geniuses Right Now
f A Man Is In Bed With Two Women, How Many Animals Are There In The Bed?

Answer = 14

3 Asses + 6 Calves + 2 Pussies + 2 Chicks + 1 Cock ...

I want Treach to write a book but only under two conditions.

1. He uses the pen name Nature

2. He titles the book Naughty

Naughty Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Joc...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

Redditors are the anti-Santa.

When someone says something naughty, we say, “nice”.

Naughty Nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily...

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Two naughty little boys

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just w...

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

What's black and white, and has a red bottom?

A naughty nun

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The Naughty Friend

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I ...

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What do you call a naughty football joke?

An offensive line

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