Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

Why is E the nicest letter?

Because all the others are naughty.

I was feeling a little naughty, so I decided to run as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail while naked

A mile in to my jog to the post office, the police stopped me.

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

Why are oak trees so naughty?

They nut all over the place

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When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

Santa Claus is a douchebag...

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the...

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Doctors of reddit - please help! My wife is unable to sit.

We were having naughty time on bed while I was blindfolded.

She wanted to try this new fancy butt plug we had bought earlier. Here's the thing: Instead of using the lubricant, I may have used super-glue by mistake.

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Good Girls, Bad Girls and Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex scenes ...

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

As a kid I was told Santa would carry me away in his sack if I was naughty.

I guess this is how I got my claustrophobia.

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

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A sage curses a naughty kid

A kid was throwing stones on a tree. Every time he would miss the tree and say "Oh shit, I missed the target".

A sage was passing by and he asks the kid to stop throwing stones. The kid ignores and throws another stone.

"Oh shit, I missed the target."

The sage gets angry and s...

A church is making a Bible translation

A church is making their own translation of the Bible for children. One of the priests says to the leader of the project:

- Sir, we only have one sentence left.

- What is it?

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- That's not to difficult. Do it and call for printing.<...

You know what's naughty and nice...

*69*

[Long] A woman walks into a pet shop

When looking around she sees a terrarium with a sign reading "Naughty frogs". Asking the shop owner what is special about them he replies: "They will make your fantasies come true. Put him on the bed, light up some candles, kiss him and let the magic begin."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"No prob...

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

Connotation is important

Forgive me father for I have sinned

Is much more serious than

Sorry daddy I've been naughty

I want Treach to write a book but only under two conditions.

1. He uses the pen name Nature

2. He titles the book Naughty

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

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Naughty Nuns

4 Nuns travelling in a car get into an accident and die.
They each arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
He tells them all that they've lived a good life and are welcome in but only if they honestly answer his question.

"Have you ever touched a penis since ...

In the days of Noah why did God kill all the sinners with the flood?

It was naughty cull.

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

What happened to the naughty wire?

It was grounded...

Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

What do naughty kids and surge protectors have in common?

You'd be shocked if they weren't grounded.

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

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The Naughty Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice ...

A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.

"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.

"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.

"He took off his robe"

"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to bre...

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Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

Redditors are the anti-Santa.

When someone says something naughty, we say, “nice”.

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!


2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

4. How long will it take after you stick it in?

5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.
...

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?

Haram bae.

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me

I was never scared though, I loved disco music

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

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Superman's Affair

One night, Superman flies to chase a criminal. Suddenly he saw a naked woman at the rooftop of a building. And the woman bowed. From the top of the building, Superman stops flying. When he floated, he began to check who the woman was.

"Oh my God! That's Wonder Woman!" "What is she doing in th...

Teacher With Naughty Johnny

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

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Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list?

He needed more coal anyway.

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day,...

What's black and white, and has a red bottom?

A naughty nun

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

Naughty Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Joc...

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy?

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Naughty Maths Question

People Always Complain That Maths Isn't Interesting. But If Our Teachers Asked Questions Like This, Maybe We Too Would Be Maths Geniuses Right Now
f A Man Is In Bed With Two Women, How Many Animals Are There In The Bed?

Answer = 14

3 Asses + 6 Calves + 2 Pussies + 2 Chicks + 1 Cock ...

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JOHN on his wedding night

JOHN on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

_"KISS MY ASS."_

Is it any wonder that Santa is so jolly?

**He knows where all the naughty girls live...**

Note: Not even remotely OC, I heard this years ago, but I've been surprised that everyone I've shared it with this week had never heard it, so I figured what the heck, I'll post it. So Merry Christmas everyone! Or Happy Holidays. Or Whatever Yo...

10 Things In Golf That Sound Naughty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You hav...

Naughty Nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily...

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The Naughty Friend

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I ...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some naughty science shit.

63 earths can fit inside ur-anus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two naughty little boys

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just w...

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." ...

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns at the pearly gates

In heaven, four nuns are queueing outside the pearly gates.

St Pete says: "If your entire body is pure, you are welcome, no further questions asked."

First nun in line: "There was this naughty abbot in the monastery... one time he exposed himself and... well... overcome with desire I t...

Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat...

so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer

What do you call a naughty football joke?

An offensive line

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."


She said, "I don't know it."


"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

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3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I ...

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