Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

Q: What's the difference between God and a cop?

A: God doesn't think she's a cop.

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A: Because it’s pointless!

Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Q: What would a Trans person be called if he/she has a child?

A: Transparent!

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

A: Eschew

Q: Gesundheit

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

Q: How much does a ticket to Jurassic World cost?

A: An arm and a leg.

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: "Curl Up and Dye."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

Q: What is that game, and why are you playing it?

A: Just Cause

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

They put hydraulics under the stands for the town hall Q&A

It's raising a lot of questions

What is the difference between Q followers and flat earthers?

At least the earth exists!

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?

A: Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay?

A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Where would you find a dog without legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

Q: How do you get on Trump's bad side?

A: By working for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

Student: What is sin(q) / cos(q)?

Teacher: tan(q)
Student: You're Welcome

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I didn't pay $50 to have a lentil on me last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Q: What do eating p*ssy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

A: The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the flavor...

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

Q : "Do you the difference between 5 minutess of sodomy and 5 minutes of doggy style ? "

A : "No"
Q : "Do you have 10 minutes ?"

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Dick in your mouth

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Student Teacher Q n A

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

What did O say to Q?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first sex toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb?

A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.

‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬

A: It got stuck in a crack..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How is life like a penis?

A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.



and she's a big old bitch like her mother..

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a bar-b-q...

The end.

Q: Why do KGB agents operate in groups of three?

A: One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman from Q

She filled her vagina with glue she said with a grin if you pay to get in you pay to get out too

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

Q: What's the plural for "backstab"?

A: The Roman Senate

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk?

A: Bloody mary

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

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