UPJOKE
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Q Jokes

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

Q. Why do Native Americans hate snow?

A. Because it's White and it settles on their land.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A White Horse Walks Into a Bar

A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".

\-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I.

When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

Why does LGBT always have to have a Q?

I mean, is it too much to want to enjoy my Lipton Grey British Tea without waiting every time?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference...

Q: What's the difference between a blackjack dealer and a proctologist?

A: A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.

Joke my kid made up...

Q: What is the best milk in the world?
A: G.O.A.T milk

Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date?

A. Acute Triangle

A boy has to use the restroom in class

When he asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom she tells him, “you can go if you can tell me the alphabet.”

Annoyed, but really needing to go, he starts. “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z”

The teacher then says, “that was close, but where is the P?”

...

Q. How did the barber win the race?

A. He knew a shortcut.

Q. How do you turn water into Holy Water?

A. Boil the Hell out of it.

Q. What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Baby, darling, honey…

Q. What religion do they practice in Hell?

A. Crispy-anity.

Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market?

A. Because he was on a date.

Yugo Humor

Guy walks into a parts store and says, "I'd like a new gas cap for my Yugo". Guy at the counter says, "OK, that sounds like a fair trade".

>Q: How do you make a Yugo go from 0 to 60 in five seconds?
>
>A: Push it off a cliff.
>
>Q: Why do Yugos have rear-win...

state of the art watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at

his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



"No," he replies, "Q has just given me t...

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Well, he needs a house first.

Q: What has huge nipples and can sing?

A: Areola Grande.

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

Q: Why did the blonde take her car to the Scout jamboree to get its horn fixed?

A: Someone told her the Scout motto is “Be prepared”.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

Susy Q needs her dress cleaned

She goes to the laundry mat and Old Man Jon who runs it is half deaf, can't hear real well. When she walks in Old Man Jon says "Hey Susy Q what can I do for you?" She says "I need to get my dress cleaned."
Jon: "Come again?"
Susy Q: "No its icing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How do you define duodenum?

A: It’s where shit starts to get real.

Q: Did you hear that Quasimodo is on strike?

A: Doesn’t ring a bell!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

My 6 year old’s halloween joke

Q. What do ghosts have on their bottom?

A. A boo-ty

Q: What do you call a bear with three ears?

A: Bearearear

Q: Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he was married.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Difference between capitalism and communism

Q: What's the difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Under capitalism, Man exploits Man. Under communism, it is exactly the opposite.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

Q: How do you make four pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

Q: What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

A: Banned from the petting zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Q: Why are all the sea turtles going extinct?

A: Ereptial Dysfunction

Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

Q: What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

A: Comet.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before heading out to her shift?

A: Drops him off at band practice.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.

They could call them “Q tips”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold my penis... mother... LADDER!

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A: A finite quantity. One to complete the specifik task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Driving Questionnaire

A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:

Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?

"No, never."

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?

"Oh yes, lots of times!"

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving...

Who declared Corona as a pandemic??

This is the first time in

english literature question

and answer both are same

Q:Who declared Corona

as a pandemic?

A: WHO declared Corona

as a pandemic.

When did Pac-Boy become Pac-Man?

When he went through Q*bert-y.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for C*hildren*,

but it's M*en* who play with them the most.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

I've found the way I use Q-tips is

Ear-responsible.

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

\*\*\*

Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

My boyfriend just told me this joke

Q: what kind of pirate sits on top of a building


A: A yar-goyle

(ETA: He was stoned at the time.)

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The very first joke I ever came up with (eight years old)

Q: What’s at the bottom of Bass Lake?

A: Bass turds.

......

Now that I’m 52, the aftermath is actually funnier than the joke. I told the neighbor kid, who told his little brother, who told his mother, who told his father, who told my father, who angrily explained to me what a ba...

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for.

Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.

Coffee joke

Q: Why can't you make coffee happy?




A: because it's always bitter.

Q: What do Herion addicts do?

A: nod a lot...

LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line

It's the P before Q rule.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: Why did Jordan Peterson cross the road?

A: The answer isn't obvious. It's bloody serious. It's no joke, man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

What do most blondes get on an I.Q. test?

Drool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men care.

A joke I thought of this morning.

Q. What's the only vegetable you can inflate?


A. A Pump-kin

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the...

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend. O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.

His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make old ladies cuss.

Q-How do you make 4 old ladies say "fuck" at the same time?

A- you tell the fifth one to scream "bingo".

Boomerangs

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?













A: A stick

A d‌‌og s‌‌ees a‌‌ "‌‌Now h‌‌iring" p‌‌oster o‌‌utside o‌‌f a‌‌ c‌‌omputer s‌‌tore.

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer."

The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ec...

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

Q: How much does it cost to buy a roof?

A: Nothing. It's on the house.

What do you say to let lose a line of lonely letters?

"Cue the queue of Qs!"

New playboy magazine

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?


A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

Fun fact about the word "queue"

**Queue** is pronounced from only the letter "q" as the rest four are waiting for their turn!

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

This joke is not sponsored by the AUstralian open





**Q:** Can tennis players cook?

**A:** No, they can only serve and return.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Did you hear about the new Vietnamese noodle / southern BBQ fusion restaurant?

It's called Pho-Q

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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