UPJOKE
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When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

Q: Did you hear that Quasimodo is on strike?

A: Doesn’t ring a bell!

Susy Q needs her dress cleaned

She goes to the laundry mat and Old Man Jon who runs it is half deaf, can't hear real well. When she walks in Old Man Jon says "Hey Susy Q what can I do for you?" She says "I need to get my dress cleaned."
Jon: "Come again?"
Susy Q: "No its icing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How do you define duodenum?

A: It’s where shit starts to get real.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

Q: What do you call a bear with three ears?

A: Bearearear

Q: Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he was married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the O say to Q?

"Dude your dick is flopping out"

When is the only time P comes after Q?

When there's a line for the bathroom because you have to queue before you pee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Q: What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

A: Comet.

Q: How do you make four pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

A: Banned from the petting zoo.

I've found the way I use Q-tips is

Ear-responsible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before heading out to her shift?

A: Drops him off at band practice.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A: A finite quantity. One to complete the specifik task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold my penis... mother... LADDER!

Q: What is worse than 10 babies in a trash can?

A: One baby in 10 trash cans.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for C*hildren*,

but it's M*en* who play with them the most.

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Q: What do Herion addicts do?

A: nod a lot...

What do most blondes get on an I.Q. test?

Drool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men care.

Q: Why did Jordan Peterson cross the road?

A: The answer isn't obvious. It's bloody serious. It's no joke, man.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for.

Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

how do you make holy water?

HOLY WATER

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the hell out of it!

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

Lil Dad Joke For Ya

Q. How do they predict the weather in Asgard?

A. They check the weather THORcast.

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad?

A: To get to the other side.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

My mom's favorite joke [clean]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a lil boogie in it.

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

My 6 year old’s halloween joke

Q. What do ghosts have on their bottom?

A. A boo-ty

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

Q: How much does it cost to buy a roof?

A: Nothing. It's on the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q: Which dinosaur is the most polite?

A: The please-u-saur.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Q: What's the difference between God and a cop?

A: God doesn't think she's a cop.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

A: Eschew

Q: Gesundheit

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I didn't pay $50 to have a lentil on me last night.

Q: What would a Trans person be called if he/she has a child?

A: Transparent!

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A: Because it’s pointless!

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

What do you say to let lose a line of lonely letters?

"Cue the queue of Qs!"

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

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