UPJOKE
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Q Jokes

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters

Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

When does Q come before P?

When there's a line for the toilet.

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Q. What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

A. One of them is an elephant.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

Q. Why do Native Americans hate snow?

A. Because it's White and it settles on their land.

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬

A: It got stuck in a crack..

If Queue is pronounced Q

Why are the letters u,e,u, and e even there?

Because they took a vowel of silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

A: Because they are very good at it.


Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: So they can hide in Cherry trees.


Q: What's the loudest sound in the forest?

A: Giraffes eating Cherries.

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine.

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians' homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman from Q

She filled her vagina with glue she said with a grin if you pay to get in you pay to get out too

Q: You are in Spanish Inn and hear a knock on the door, who do you expect?

You: The Spanish Inquisition?

A: It’s Room Service. How could you get that wrong, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Q. How did the barber win the race?

A. He knew a shortcut.

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A: A can't opener.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Why does LGBT always have to have a Q?

I mean, is it too much to want to enjoy my Lipton Grey British Tea without waiting every time?

Never get behind the devil in a Q at the post office

...for the devil takes many forms

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date?

A. Acute Triangle

Q: What's red and really bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

Q: How do you recognize an outgoing engineer?

A: When he talks, he stares at *your* shoes.

Q: how big is it when someone cheers for you!

A: it’s about “yay” big.

Q. What religion do they practice in Hell?

A. Crispy-anity.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act ...

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

Q. How many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least two. And it would have to be a bloody big light bulb.

Q. How do you turn water into Holy Water?

A. Boil the Hell out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

Q.How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit?

A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes

Susy Q needs her dress cleaned

She goes to the laundry mat and Old Man Jon who runs it is half deaf, can't hear real well. When she walks in Old Man Jon says "Hey Susy Q what can I do for you?" She says "I need to get my dress cleaned."
Jon: "Come again?"
Susy Q: "No its icing."

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Q: Can February March?

*A: No. But April May!*

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

Q: What has huge nipples and can sing?

A: Areola Grande.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How do you define duodenum?

A: It’s where shit starts to get real.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform prev...

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before heading out to her shift?

A: Drops him off at band practice.

Q: What goes at 100 mph and makes a "smack," "smack," "smack" sound?

A: A dead baby tied to a truck.

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. What's the rudest type of Elf?

A. The GofuckyoursElf.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A: A finite quantity. One to complete the specifik task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

Q: What's the plural for "backstab"?

A: The Roman Senate

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q:Whats worst than getting a penis drawn on your face?

A:knowing it was traced

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

Student Teacher Q n A

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How is life like a penis?

A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.



and she's a big old bitch like her mother..

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

Q. How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard.

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A: Because it’s pointless!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.


^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Dick in your mouth

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

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