Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay?

A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?


Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

What did the letter P say to the letter Q?

Good god man, put some pants on!

Q: Where would you find a dog without legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

Student: What is sin(q) / cos(q)?

Teacher: tan(q)
Student: You're Welcome

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Student Teacher Q n A

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Q: What do eating p*ssy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

A: The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the flavor...

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

Q : "Do you the difference between 5 minutess of sodomy and 5 minutes of doggy style ? "

A : "No"
Q : "Do you have 10 minutes ?"

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Dick in your mouth

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I didn't pay $50 to have a lentil on me last night.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

What did O say to Q?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude,your dick is hanging out

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the hell out of it.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb?

A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Q: Why do KGB agents operate in groups of three?

A: One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman from Q

She filled her vagina with glue she said with a grin if you pay to get in you pay to get out too

‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬

A: It got stuck in a crack..

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

\*Walks away slowly\*

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a bar-b-q...

The end.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How is life like a penis?

A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.

and she's a big old bitch like her mother..

Q. Why is #Coronavirus like a hostage crisis?

A. Because it leads to the "stock home syndrome".

Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk?

A: Bloody mary

Q: What's the plural for "backstab"?

A: The Roman Senate

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-phosphorus-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y and Z.

"Umm.. Why did you say phosphorus?"

Because it is the ....EL-EM-ENT-AL P.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

Q: What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

A: Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the difference between an Oral and an Anal thermometer?

A: The taste.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Q.What to do when people hate you for no reason?

Ans: punch them in the face.....now they will hate you for a reason.........better right?

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

Q: Can February March?

*A: No. But April May!*

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: You are in Spanish Inn and hear a knock on the door, who do you expect?

You: The Spanish Inquisition?

A: It’s Room Service. How could you get that wrong, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.

^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

Q: How did the programmer escape from prison?

A: from%20prison

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.

-Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

A. They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

Q: Where do boats go to when they get sick?

*A: The dock!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Q: What do capitalism and communism have in common

A: Starving poor people

Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

A: If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to his chicken sedan.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?

**A : Firequackers.**

What's the opposite of Near Q?

Far Q.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?

A: A brick wall's only been laid once.

Q: How do you circumcise a sperm whale?

A: Send down four skin divers.

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

Q: With Britain likely to leave EU, how much space will be freed?

1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Where in England do you find Men with the smallest Penises?

A: Littlehampton.

Q: You know how to eat soup with chopsticks?

A: put them down and pick up the bowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or dick?

A: no idear.
A: still no idear.
A: still no fuckin idear.
Compliments of my high school chemistry teacher!

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why don't ISIS fighters have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

Q: Why can't a leopard hide?

*A: Because he's always spotted!*

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

Q: Why did Sally fall off the swing?

A: Because she has no hands

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