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What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

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Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for C*hildren*,

but it's M*en* who play with them the most.

Q: What is worse than 10 babies in a trash can?

A: One baby in 10 trash cans.

Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

Q: What do Herion addicts do?

A: nod a lot...

Q: Why did Jordan Peterson cross the road?

A: The answer isn't obvious. It's bloody serious. It's no joke, man.

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men care.

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

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Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

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Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for.

Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.

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Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad?

A: To get to the other side.

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

Q: How much does it cost to buy a roof?

A: Nothing. It's on the house.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

Q: Which dinosaur is the most polite?

A: The please-u-saur.

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Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?

A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between God and a cop?

A: God doesn't think she's a cop.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Q: What would a Trans person be called if he/she has a child?

A: Transparent!

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

A: Eschew

Q: Gesundheit

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A: Because it’s pointless!

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

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Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

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Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. Q: What's grosser than that?

A: When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: "Curl Up and Dye."

Q: How much does a ticket to Jurassic World cost?

A: An arm and a leg.

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I didn't pay $50 to have a lentil on me last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

Q: Where would you find a dog without legs?

A: Right where you left him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay?

A: She turned around and took it like a man.

What is the difference between Q followers and flat earthers?

At least the earth exists!

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

They put hydraulics under the stands for the town hall Q&A

It's raising a lot of questions

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Q: What do eating p*ssy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

A: The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the flavor...

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Dick in your mouth

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: When did you make a dick joke?

A: A schlong time ago!

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

Student: What is sin(q) / cos(q)?

Teacher: tan(q)
Student: You're Welcome

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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