Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for.

Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad?

A: To get to the other side.

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

Q: What is one fear you can only get over slowly?

A: A fear of speed bumps.

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

Q: Which dinosaur is the most polite?

A: The please-u-saur.

Q: How much does it cost to buy a roof?

A: Nothing. It's on the house.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?

A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

Q: What's the difference between God and a cop?

A: God doesn't think she's a cop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

Q: What would a Trans person be called if he/she has a child?

A: Transparent!

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

A: Because it’s pointless!

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

Q: How do you pronounce e-s-c-h-e-w?

A: Eschew

Q: Gesundheit

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

Q: How much does a ticket to Jurassic World cost?

A: An arm and a leg.

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: "Curl Up and Dye."

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q. Why were the cops unable to catch the hacker?

A. Because he ransomware

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

They put hydraulics under the stands for the town hall Q&A

It's raising a lot of questions

What is the difference between Q followers and flat earthers?

At least the earth exists!

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: What do you call friends who love math?

A: algebros

Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?

A: Neither has real roots.

Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

A: They already 8 (ate)!

Q: How do you kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay?

A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I didn't pay $50 to have a lentil on me last night.

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Where would you find a dog without legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi?

A: “There, their, they’re.”

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Q: What do eating p*ssy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

A: The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the flavor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Dick in your mouth

What did O say to Q?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

Q : "Do you the difference between 5 minutess of sodomy and 5 minutes of doggy style ? "

A : "No"
Q : "Do you have 10 minutes ?"

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

Student: What is sin(q) / cos(q)?

Teacher: tan(q)
Student: You're Welcome

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Student Teacher Q n A

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How is life like a penis?

A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.



and she's a big old bitch like her mother..

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?

A: She outgrew her B shells.

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

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