Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

I'm looking for a "friend with benefits"

Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

Me hitting on a girl...

I wish we could be friends with unemployment benefits.

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

In the US, what's the difference between being unemployed and working at McDonald's?

Unemployed people got paid more in 2020.



Ps, please pay food workers extra for being stuck at work with no benefits this year.

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

What's the worst thing to use beyond its expiry date?

A friend with benefits.

Benefits of being Homeless...

You don't get homework.

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

Being a woman after puberty has some amazing benefits!

But the monthly subscription price is a real pain

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

I've really enjoyed the benefits of wife swapping recently...

Got a brand new motorbike for her yesterday

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

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Unemployment

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benef...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

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A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

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Top Ten Benefits of a Trump Presidency

10. Instagram photos of fancy food replaced by photos of comfort food.

9. Household net worth rises if women are considered property.

8. SNL and the Daily Show get a little better.

7. Americans get to experience four year educational historical reenactment of Nazi Germany.
...

So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

Why do people clap at benefits?

They have applausable cause.

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

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