The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

Getting old certainly has its benefits.

Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme

But it was multi level carpeting.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

I'm looking for a "friend with benefits"

Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required.

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus,

we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

American healthcare is so bad...

that after a doctor's visit the insurance company has to send you an *explanation of benefits*.

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

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I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

A Newfoundlander in 1992

The Year is 1992, an Ontarian and a Newfy are waiting in line for social welfare benefits. The Newfie asks the Ontarian

“So why are you here?”

The Ontarian says “I was laid off from my manufacturing job because it’s the early nineties, why are you here?”

“I’m here because of the...

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Benefits of being Homeless...

You don't get homework.

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

Homeless man tells the tale

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I ...

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

Being a woman after puberty has some amazing benefits!

But the monthly subscription price is a real pain

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

Me hitting on a girl...

I wish we could be friends with unemployment benefits.

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Top Ten Benefits of a Trump Presidency

10. Instagram photos of fancy food replaced by photos of comfort food.

9. Household net worth rises if women are considered property.

8. SNL and the Daily Show get a little better.

7. Americans get to experience four year educational historical reenactment of Nazi Germany.
...

So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

Why do people clap at benefits?

They have applausable cause.

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

What's the worst thing to use beyond its expiry date?

A friend with benefits.

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

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