India have contributed immensely in every field

But in maths? They have contributed zero

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

Exercise has helped with my depression immensely.

My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed...

...that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

John woke up one morning immensely aroused...

...so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John texted:

The Tent Pole Is Up

The Canvas Is Spread

The Hel...

A B-road walks into a Bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

5 minutes later an A road walks into a bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

The B-road moves to the opposite side of the bar, peeking frightfully over the top of his newspaper at the larger, higher maintenance A-road.

Later, a motorway walks into a bar, h...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

A man in the bush

A man in the bush lives next door to 3 of his mates. One day, a bushfire comes roaring through. It sets the mans house, and body on fire. His friends put the fire out and call an ambulance for the man.

Once the man arrives at the hospital he is in immense pain. The doctor decides to check his...

A monk at a Benedictine monastery lived there for many years,

became well known for his immense learning, and eventually rose to the position of abbot, where he gained access to the monastery’s full archives. He decided to open the archives and begin translating and cataloging it.

So he holed up in the vast library, carefully going through its many rare...

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Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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Bubba

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "ev...

The year is 1850 in California...

Miners flock to a river to hopefully get a fraction of the immense wealth that awaits in the rivers. Miners come by the hundreds and claim a spot in the river... At least the lucky ones. Some are a little too late and miss the chance to get a spot and leave, except one.

For a week, a miner wh...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

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A man walks into a brothel and asks: "Do you have something unusual?"

A man walks into a brothel and asks:

- Do you have something new, something unusual?
- We do, in fact! There's a girl that can suck and sing at the same time, but only with lights out!

The man agrees and pays for the girl. Enjoys the service immensely.

Before visiting again, ...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.

The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.

The aides confer and tell the official that they will take ...

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There was once a king...

... who owned two magnificent kingdoms. Vast in land and great in wealth. One day the king decided he wanted to give one of his kingdoms away. He gathered all of his people and told them,

"He who swims across the immense river separating my two kingdoms shall inherit the one in the East. But...

Three boys are bragging about their dads

The first kid says: "My father is a cop. When people talk to him, they have to call him 'officer'."

The second kid: "I can do better. My father is a judge, and when people see him, they have to say 'Your honour'."

The third kid: "That's nothing! My father is immensely fat, and when peo...

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Three guys are working at a zoo's gorilla exhibit...

Three zookeepers are working at the gorilla exhibit and the zoo's twelve year old female gorilla, Chloe, is in heat. Chloe is behaving aggressive towards the other female gorillas and tearing her own enclosure apart. The three zookeepers know they must do something quick to calm her down. They MUST ...

A kid was walking with his friend Pete, when he suddenly tripped and fell...

The kid let out a loud "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," as he was in immense pain. After a couple of seconds, Pete also let out a loud "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." The kid just looks at Pete and says...

Thanks for the Re, Pete.

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

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A dad and his daughter went to a nudist beach

Once there the daughter is surprised when she sees his dick and asks "Daddy, what's that?"
A bit taken back by the question he answers, "oh, that's just a swan nesting on it's two eggs".

Happy with that explanation the kid starts playing at the beach while the father lays in the sun.
...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar

Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there licking his eyebrows."

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane...

...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a...

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"Captain, I've lost my rifle!"

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private.
He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point ...

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

The Silver Woman [Long]

One dark night a Frenchman by the name of Guillaume was hiking through the forest. Enraptured by the natural beauty of the world around him, he paused for a moment, taking in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, the sparkling ceiling of stars, and sighed contentedly. Looking up he saw a bright...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

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A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading t...

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

Pythagoras Was a Native American

On the banks of a river sat three Indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weigh...

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There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of p...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report,
"Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda."
Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness.
"Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant.
Bush brings his head up to look at t...

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

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The trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno h...

I can never understand why Xenophobia is considered ignorant...

Given their immense potential for death and destruction, I personally find the fear of Xenomorphs to be perfectly sensible.

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A man is often sent on business trips...

And discovers that during most, his wife would cheat on him. Being such a forgiving man he decided to ask his wife of she could stop if given an amazing sex toy. His wife agreed as long as it was amazing.

He proceeds to the local sex shop and asks the clerk for the best sex toy he's got in S...

A Catholic priest walks into a bar...

Him clearly being depressed, the bartender asks him whats wrong, however the priest is insistent that they cut the chatter and asks for the strongest drink they've got. He goes at it for hours, keeps up longer than anyone the bartenders ever seen. Finally the bartender asks "Y'know, I always wonde...

The day of prom

The day of prom, a boy goes to pick his girlfriend up early, so they could spend the whole day together instead of just the evening. He asks her what she wants to do, and she tells him she wants to go get something to eat. When they try to find a place, however, they see that everywhere they try to ...

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A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime

when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!!...

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The Newly Weds

After the ceremony, a newly wed couple celebrated their marriage at the brides father's ranch.

The groom, having traveled a lot during their relationship, didn't have a chance to acquaint himself to anyone but the brides mother and father.

During the dinner, he finally got to meet most...

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At a priest's ten year celebration service, a man is due to give a sermon...

Ten years ago a new vicar arrived at the parish. An immensely popular man, he was holding mass on the ten year anniversary, and a man from the village was due to give a sermon.

However, the time for the sermon came and there was no sign of the man. So the vicar stands up and addresses the pe...

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A man and his wife....

A man and his wife had been married for over forty years. Every night since their marriage, they would have sex. But one afternoon, the man is told by his doctor that he can't have sex with his wife anymore. Now wanting to punish his wife and leave her with out something to give her pleasure, the ma...

Lost in the Himalayas

Deep in the Himalayas, a hiker has been travelling for days, trying to find his way back down. Just as he's about to call it quits and give up, he spots a Buddhist monastery just a little ways ahead. When he gets to the monastery, one of the monks comes out to greet him.

"Hello," said the mon...

A penguin was driving a truck

A penguin was driving a truck in Florida when the truck started kinda shaking. He drops by a workshop to get it checked up. Due to the immense heat, he goes by the nearest shop to get an ice-cream while the mechanic works on his truck.

He buys some ice cream and eats it hastily because of t...

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