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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three people pass out in the middle of a forest

When they wake up, there is a man pointing a gun at them.
He tells them to each go find 10 of one fruit and come back.
The first person comes with apples and the man tells them to shove it up their ass without making any face or expression.
He did one, but cried on the second one and was...

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

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A middle aged lady had a fall and went into a coma.

While in coma, she had a near death experience in which she spoke to God.

"You've been very kind and generous" said God. "I'll give send you back and give you many more years on earth." Poof! She was sent back and fully recovered.

She decided to get a facelift, a nose job, boob job, an...

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Why is your nose in the middle of your face

Because its the scenter

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

A little boy tries out for a play at his middle school.

After auditions, he comes home, and his mom asks him, “What part did you get?”

The boy replies, “I got the part of the Jewish Husband.”

Angrily, the mother replies, “You march right back to that school and tell them you want a speaking part.”

How is Anti-Vax children and middle school the same?

They only last three years

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A man is on a private safari in the middle of the desert.

It is just him and a guide. They’re speeding along in a car, looking out for wild animals. Suddenly, the man desperately needs to pee, and so they stop at an oasis for him to relieve himself.

As he’s peeing, he is distracted by a herd of beasts in the distance, As he is gazing off to the sid...

Anyone got any jokes about the Middle East?

I guess Iran out of ideas

I accidentally let out a giant fart in the middle of a test.

RIP

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school.

It was sublime.

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

What's the best place on Middle-Earth to get a new door?

MoreDoor

What famous European city is in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

Oslo

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

You know that feeling you get in the middle of the afternoon when you're really sleepy and tired..

There's a nap for that

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inch...

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

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An old man stands in the middle of a snowstorm...

...the man was standing there for a little under ten minutes, and the snow is up to his ankles. A dog sled passes by him.

"Need a lift?" Asks the sled driver?

"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."

"If you say so." The driver mushes on.

After hour, the snow is no...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," re...

In the middle of the night, the phone rang

"What time does the library open, sir?", a man asks

"9 o'clock", answered the head of the library feeling upset for his sleep being disturbed

"Can you open it sooner, I wanna get out"

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

A wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "Honey, I have a question."

Him: "It's 2:30 in the morning, what do you want?"

Her: "If I died, would you remarry?"

Him: "What?... Well I hadn't really thought about it... I guess I would. Can we go to sleep now?"

Her: "I've got another question. If I died and you re...

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A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the ...

Have you heard what Adam’s middle name is?

Subtractam

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton are stuck in the middle of the ocean on small boat together with no food, who survives?

America.

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, ...

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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude...

A middle-aged man and little boy are walking through the forest at night

The little boy turns to the man, and says

"Mister, this is creepy! I'm afraid!"

The man looks at him and laughs.

"You're afraid? I have to come back through here alone!"

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other

“what are you doin with that chicken wire”

He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”

“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer

And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load ...

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...

What starts with an F, end with a K, and has U and C in the middle

Wait no it doesn't

Middle C, E-flat and G walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” the bartender says to the E-flat, “we don’t serve minors here.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

A priest was hitchhiking in the middle of the night

A guy with a Mercedes stopped and picked him up. They started heading to town. After a while the priest asks:
-What is that star on the front used for?
And the driver jokingly replied:
-That? Oh, it's a crosshair for sniping bicyclists.
The priest didn't reply.

As they were head...

The telephone rings in the Vatican in the middle of the night...

Acting Archbishop Lenny picks up. "Vatican, Lenny speaking, how can I help you?"

Lenny listens for a moment, then goes white as a sheet. "Yes sir. I'll get him, sir. Please hold."

Up in the Papal residence all is quiet. Lenny knocks gently on the door to the Pope's bedroom. The P...

Why aren’t there any Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there’s a Target on every corner

I’m in the middle of what you’d call a bit of a dating slump.

I call it adulthood.

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

A hooker approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, “I’ll do anything you want for $50.”

He opens his wallet and says, “Paint my garage doors.”

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have one wish . . .

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle E...

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

Why did the duck stand in the middle of the road?

He wanted to prove he's not a chicken!

What did a flock of seagulls say when they realized it would take them a long time to fly to the Middle East?

Iran, Iran so far away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't you see any sluts hopping around in the Middle East?

They are too stoned.

When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

Why did the blender stop in the middle of the road?

Becaused it ran out of juice.

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

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A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

What do fish in middle school worry about?

Shellfishteem.

Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read?

He was 2.

Most Middle Eastern Nations don't like the Flintstones..

But ABU DHAIBI DOO!

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is?

Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.

A middle aged man was tired of his job in the city and wanted a place where he could relax

So he decided to go to the seaside and buy a house. He found the perfect house and was about to buy it when his next door neighbor to be shows up: a very fit, athletic 85 year old man, with a full head of beautiful silver hair!

“Hey old timer, it seems this place has done you good! You look...

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

How did the guy feel when he knocked over the Middle Eastern food stand?

He falafel.

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the sho...

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are a...

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A low-ranking general gets transferred to an all- male military base in the middle of nowhere in the Middle East.

There's not a woman for miles. After a few weeks there, the general develops certain tensions that need to be released, so he summons his adjutant and asks the adjutant what the men do in this situation.

The adjutant nods and tells the general "There's a camel in the tent at the edge of the ...

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

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A man moves out to the middle of nowhere.

He has no neighbors in sight for atleast 5 miles. About a week later he gets a knock on the door.

He answers the door and the man says, “Howdy, I’m your neighbor about 5 miles south, I just wanted to welcome to the neighborhood and invite you to my party tomorrow.”

He says “Well thank ...

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

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I told my son it's perfectly normal to masturbate in middle of the day

I just wish the little bastard would knock before entering my room.

Why couldn’t the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly...

A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly their 5-year old son walks in. “Mommy, daddy - can we...” He stares for a moment, wide-eyed, then runs from the room in tears. “Oh boy,” says the dad, “I’d better go find Timmy and have a talk with him.” He goes to Timm...

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

Breaking bread with your middle-eastern friends...

Is a naan-secular activity everyone can enjoy.

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.

Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

So there is this small church in the middle of the country.....

this church is small and contains only 100 people. But on one Sunday morning demons and the devil start to flay around the church. Soon after they had appeared they burst through the church door and wreak havoc on those within the church. People are on fire, the priest has jumped out the window, bu...

I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.

I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

A middle-aged woman still lives with her parents

Her mother was walking by her room and heard from inside "buuzzzzzzzz zzzzz bzzzzz." She opened the door to see her daughter laying on the bed playing her "toy" and yelled "what is going on in here?!" Her daughter replied "mom, I'm 40 years old, still live with my parents, this is the closest thing...

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...