This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

Two people were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"...

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s dischar...

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's your scenter.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

In the middle of the night...

...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. “What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband. “Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “the whole nation stands erect when this song is heard.”

What do you call a witch in the middle east ?

Stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

What do you call a guy walking down the middle of the street in Alabama with sheep under his arms?

A Pimp!

Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to ...

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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

Cross-eyed people are born in the middle of the week.

They're looking both ways for Sunday.

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

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A reporter wants to interview a middle-aged Arab guy who barely speaks English

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
...

When people ask Frankie Muniz if he enjoyed his time on malcom in the middle i bet he responds with..

"yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question?"

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the g...

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

I was studying abroad in the Middle East, when a flock of seagulls attacked

Iran so far away.. ‘Couldn’t get away

What’s the difference between Middle Eastern women and potheads?

The potheads don’t die when they get stoned.

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

Why don’t unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?

Cause they’ll never experience them.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

A blonde is sitting in the middle of a field in a rowboat...

Another blonde walks up on the sidewalk and says:

"You give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

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Three people pass out in the middle of a forest

When they wake up, there is a man pointing a gun at them.
He tells them to each go find 10 of one fruit and come back.
The first person comes with apples and the man tells them to shove it up their ass without making any face or expression.
He did one, but cried on the second one and was...

Anyone got any jokes about the Middle East?

I guess Iran out of ideas

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A middle aged lady had a fall and went into a coma.

While in coma, she had a near death experience in which she spoke to God.

"You've been very kind and generous" said God. "I'll give send you back and give you many more years on earth." Poof! She was sent back and fully recovered.

She decided to get a facelift, a nose job, boob job, an...

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

How did they execute cheapskates in the middle ages?

They had them sketched and nickled

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie, middle school legend. Its worded in a way as if its a conversation, bear with me.

So there's this kid, kinda stupid, going to kindergarten. He's set to learn his alphabet. His teacher tells him to go.home, and memorize the first 3 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home, and goes to his mom, who's talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend. She's talking away, things are ge...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

A little boy tries out for a play at his middle school.

After auditions, he comes home, and his mom asks him, “What part did you get?”

The boy replies, “I got the part of the Jewish Husband.”

Angrily, the mother replies, “You march right back to that school and tell them you want a speaking part.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on a private safari in the middle of the desert.

It is just him and a guide. They’re speeding along in a car, looking out for wild animals. Suddenly, the man desperately needs to pee, and so they stop at an oasis for him to relieve himself.

As he’s peeing, he is distracted by a herd of beasts in the distance, As he is gazing off to the sid...

What famous European city is in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

Oslo

I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inch...

How is Anti-Vax children and middle school the same?

They only last three years

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school.

It was sublime.

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

What's the best place on Middle-Earth to get a new door?

MoreDoor

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

You know that feeling you get in the middle of the afternoon when you're really sleepy and tired..

There's a nap for that

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

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Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other

“what are you doin with that chicken wire”

He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”

“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer

And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," re...

Have you heard what Adam’s middle name is?

Subtractam

A wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "Honey, I have a question."

Him: "It's 2:30 in the morning, what do you want?"

Her: "If I died, would you remarry?"

Him: "What?... Well I hadn't really thought about it... I guess I would. Can we go to sleep now?"

Her: "I've got another question. If I died and you re...

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man stands in the middle of a snowstorm...

...the man was standing there for a little under ten minutes, and the snow is up to his ankles. A dog sled passes by him.

"Need a lift?" Asks the sled driver?

"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."

"If you say so." The driver mushes on.

After hour, the snow is no...

What starts with an F, end with a K, and has U and C in the middle

Wait no it doesn't

In the middle of the night, the phone rang

"What time does the library open, sir?", a man asks

"9 o'clock", answered the head of the library feeling upset for his sleep being disturbed

"Can you open it sooner, I wanna get out"

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, ...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the ...

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton are stuck in the middle of the ocean on small boat together with no food, who survives?

America.

Middle C, E-flat and G walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” the bartender says to the E-flat, “we don’t serve minors here.”

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

A middle-aged man and little boy are walking through the forest at night

The little boy turns to the man, and says

"Mister, this is creepy! I'm afraid!"

The man looks at him and laughs.

"You're afraid? I have to come back through here alone!"

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

The telephone rings in the Vatican in the middle of the night...

Acting Archbishop Lenny picks up. "Vatican, Lenny speaking, how can I help you?"

Lenny listens for a moment, then goes white as a sheet. "Yes sir. I'll get him, sir. Please hold."

Up in the Papal residence all is quiet. Lenny knocks gently on the door to the Pope's bedroom. The P...

A hooker approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, “I’ll do anything you want for $50.”

He opens his wallet and says, “Paint my garage doors.”

I’m in the middle of what you’d call a bit of a dating slump.

I call it adulthood.

Why did the duck stand in the middle of the road?

He wanted to prove he's not a chicken!

What do you call a possum laying in the middle of the road?

Clearly, that's a Himalayan possum.

​

After all, you did find Himalayan in the middle of the road...

A priest was hitchhiking in the middle of the night

A guy with a Mercedes stopped and picked him up. They started heading to town. After a while the priest asks:
-What is that star on the front used for?
And the driver jokingly replied:
-That? Oh, it's a crosshair for sniping bicyclists.
The priest didn't reply.

As they were head...

Why aren’t there any Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there’s a Target on every corner

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is?

Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm