A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

Yesterday, I peed into the middle of the water for maximum noise

Now I am not allowed at a baptism anymore.

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

They have the same middle name.

When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are.

I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!

We should start a middle eastern war over Thanksgiving.

That way we can slaughter a Turkey twice.

Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe my story is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too

Not OC, but it was a fav...

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

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Three homeless men (a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man) see a dead dog in the middle of the road

The white man says” Let’s all put in $10 and see who lays down beside the dog the longest and the winner gets the money”. The men agree and put $10 in each. The white man went first and laid down next to the dog.5 minutes pass. Then 10. Then 15. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore”...

Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

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3 Men are stranded in the middle of nowhere as their car broke down.

They suddenly see a house in the distance and decide to seek assistance but decide to go individually as they do not want to alarm the home owner. So the first guy approaches the house and is greeted by the most hideous old lady he has ever seen and he asks "hey, is there by chance you have a teleph...

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

What’s the difference between Middle Earth and NYC

Two Towers

What do middle eastern people smoke?

An Abu Doobie

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

I was thinking about getting a blue fish from the middle east

But I dont think they have turk-kois

I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

Do you like Malcolm in the Middle?

▢ Yes

▢ No

▢ Maybe

▢ I don't know, can you repeat the question?

I went to a middle school dance back in the day.

It was kinda lame, looking back on it. The music was bad, they ran out of food, and there wasn’t even a punch line.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

What do middle eastern people say when they feel hungover?

I falafel.

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

I lost the 2 middle keys in my keyboard

jk

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A woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "honey, there are thieves around the house trying to get in"

Him: " ah shit, what should we do?"

Her: "go crawl near the curtains so they think we have a dog and get scared"

Him: " better yet, get your mother to go near the window and they'll think the house is haunted!"

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

Why are fish harder to catch in the middle of the day?

They are in schools

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

A middle-aged woman goes to the doctor

A middle-aged woman goes to the doctor and returns with a smile, and tells her husband, "The doctor said I have the heart of a 24 year old!"

The husband replied with a smirk, "Oh yeah? What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She said "Oh, your name never came up."

I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

My friend and I are just in the middle of climbing Mount Everest. We are so exhausted, when we get to the top...

Me and Himalayaing down for a bit

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

Why are middle eastern news stations so entertaining?

There’s always something new blowing up.

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

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One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen...

...named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a p...

What’s high in the middle and round on both ends?

Ohio

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

&nbsp;

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

There was a kidnapping at a local middle school recently

The teacher had to wake him up right away


(Taken from a 3rd grader I coach)

My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint.

He told me he was able to get out of the situation,

I asked him, “How?”

He said

“Iran”

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack...

...and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo...

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

I dialled a suicide hotline In the middle east

They asked me when I could report for flying lessons

If the oldest guy at a frat party buys the most beer, and the youngest guy at a frat party drinks the most beer, what does the middle aged guy at a frat party do?

Buys the most beer.

I once saw a man flip in a boat in the middle of a huge lake.

I think he made it safely back to shore.
Oar not.

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In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"?

Because that was its Thor axe.

Jesus's Middle Name is Harold...

I've always wondered why people say Jesus H Christ, but I finally figured it out..



Our father

Who art' in heaven

Harold Be thy name

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A man is walking on a beach when he finds a dull old middle eastern lamp

When he rubs the lamp a genie appears.



Genie: I am so grateful that you have released me from my ten thousand year prison that I will only grant you 3, but only 3 wishes for releasing me, so make them good ones

Man: I wish to be rich beyond my wildest dreams

Poof... an e...

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

A middle aged couple on vacation

In the coldest months of winter a middle aged couple from the north of USA , had missed the summer so much they decided to go to Florida , and stay in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

The husband had a longer holiday so he decide he would go a day earlier to surprise hi...

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

I met a guy from the Middle East after a marathon

I asked him if he walked it.
No, he said, Iran.

My car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

Luckily I found a loot box on the roadside!

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A nihilist in Middle-Earth must be a member of /r/gamingcirclejerk

Eä bad

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What do you call a homosexual photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms found in the Middle East?

Al-Gay

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

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Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

What is The Rock's middle name?

"best station, 107.3FM for all your Classic"

Middle seat in a flight is like PMS

No one wants it and no one likes it when they get it

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

Be carefull who you call ugly in middle school

I'm still ugly but that was pretty mean

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

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I was really pissed when I saw a idiot trying to row his boat in a middle of completely dried out lake bed

If I knew how to swim I would have gone there smacked him one.

Most Middle Easterns REALLY don't like the Flintstones..

..but the Abu Dhabi do!

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

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A plane is in the middle of turbulence

The flight attendant comes to the main cabin and says: "Everyone please take your passports out."

Everyone takes their passports out.

"Now please find the page where your picture is and rip the page out."

Everyone rips the page out.

"Now roll up the paper and shove it up ...

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

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You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when...

...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.

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A Caucasian man sees a Middle Eastern looking fellow at a buffet

The caucasian man asks "Aren't Muslims supposed to fast during Ramadan?"

"Sir, I'm Sikh", replies the fellow.

"Oh, then get well soon", says the Caucasian man.

In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

Two guys found a big hole in the middle of the woods.

First guy says, "Man would you look at that hole, wonder how deep it is?".

Second guy replies, "Good question, let's throw something in there and listen for it to hit the bottom".

So the guys throw in a rock and wait. Nothing.

Next they try a big heavy tree branch. Nothing a...

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Picking the middle urinal

...is a real dick move.

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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

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Guy says to the hairdresser, I want the hair on top shaved down the middle on the side one shaved all the way the other side leave as it it is, hairdresser replied, sorry sir but I cannot do that.

I said well you fucking did last time.

Did you know Norway is middle aged?

It’s fjordy.

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

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In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

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