I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”

She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breath...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

What do fish get high on?

Seaweed.

What's high in the middle and circular on both ends?

Ohio

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

How can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big McSteak

What do you call a sith lord who gets high all the time?

Ele-Vader.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

My son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher

“Well I did.” I said.

“Oh? And what happened?”

“Your mother moved you to another school.”

Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

I have developed a high tech algorithm to tell if a girl likes me

1. No

I went to high school with Sybil, the multiple personality disorder woman

She was good people.

In high school my math teacher was secretly a pirate.

All she ever wanted to do was find X.

Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each.

It's just nuts.

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

There was a kid who was really popular in high school

He was home schooled

Finally, at 60, I married my high school sweetheart!

She graduates this year!

My high school teacher didn't like cursing.

I used to have a friend named Floyd, but he's Loyd now. He once cursed at my teacher's class, so the teacher beat the F out of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What song do prostitutes sing while getting high?

High Hoe!! High Hoe!! It’s off to work I go.

Attendance at my monthly introvert meetup is it an all time high...

It's just that I feel like we're attracting the wrong crowd.

High IQ

There are four people on a plane. They are a Donald Trump, Stephen Curry, the Pope, and a kid.

Suddenly, the plane’s pilot dies. There are only three parachutes on the plane.

Donald Trump says “ I am America’s smartest president. I need a parachute so I can lead the people.

Ste...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

Why are ocean levels so high?

sea weed.

What do you call a jet full of high class hookers?

Courtesan plane

I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I knew a guy in high school, he always told bad jokes so we called him the joke

anyway, one time at prom he was dancing near the table with bowls of different punches, all of the sudden he fell straight on his spine and scared everyone.

long story short the joke fell flat and he missed the punch line.

If you are still into girls who are in high school a good way to get over them

Is to talk to them

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club?

*I don't give a flying fuck.*

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

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god is high and mighty

but sometimes when I see the shitty work he did I wish he was just mighty

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A man goes to the doctor because of his high voice

After a physical examination he asks the doctor if something can be done about his high voice.

The doctor responds and says: ‘because of the size and weight of your penis the diaphragm is pulled down quite a bit, this causes the voice to be higher than normal. I think a penis reduction is you...

The other day, I saw a highly upvoted pic of a lamp post

The next day, near the top of the SAME subreddit, I saw a highly upvoted pic of a lamp repost.

Have you heard of Batman's brother, High-Hatman?

He's a cymbal of justice.

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.

“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.

“Kennith,” replies the boy.

Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”

...

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

Why does high school remind me of Fortnite?

Because you hop off a bus and shoot everyone you see

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

The jokes section on Reddit reminds me of the brilliant work of a perfect A+ student I went to High School with

But only in the sense that literally everything he ever wrote was plagiarized

Why did Logan Paul not high five Ricegum?

Cause he likes to leave asians hanging

I bought a high-def TV today

It’s my new year’s resolution

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.

Amazed, the other guy says “I...

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

What do you call a dictionary high on drugs?

High-definition

It was so quiet at the High CPU party.

You could hear a ping drop.

[NSFW] Why don't any of Logan Paul's asian fans ask for high fives anymore?

He tends to leave them hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My high school was so small

We had sex education and drivers education in the same car.

Men naturally choose high paying careers, like doctor, engineer, or CEO. Women naturally gravitate toward lower paying careers ...

... like female doctor, female engineer, or female CEO.

What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools?

Point and shoot.

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

“Make a friend in high places!”

The priest said

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

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I saw a duck high as shit

It was snorting cwack.

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

Why did Drake go back to High School?

To pick up his girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nickname in High School was Butter.

Because I was Honor Roll.

What is it called when you get high and then eat ice cream?

Getting cold-stoned.

I thought of this while I was in the shower, so I ran downstairs and told my wife. We both laughed and she gave me a high five, and here we are.

My wife and I were sitting at a table

‪ at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear...

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So that they could have the high ground.

Why are emo kids bad at high-fives?

People always leave them hanging

I like to get high at work

As a pilot, It really helps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

What is the difference between high and drunk people?

Drunk people will run through a stop sign, while high people stop at the sign and wait for it to turn green.

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

Why did the Dragonborn climb High Hrothgar?

To see what all the Fus was about.

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

Faucet manufacturer Pfister is expanding their business with a line of high tech toilets

The p is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

How many people do you need to pet a bird that's on a high tree?

Not one, but toucan!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

What do you call a really high ranking snack?

A popcorn colonel.

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

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