You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

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I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

A Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Going to Their High School Prom

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are getting ready to go to their high school prom. They're making plans and the girlfriend realizes that the boyfriend hasn't rented his tux, gotten the corsage, and ordered the limo.

"Don't worry the boy says I'll take care of it."

The boy goes to the tail...

I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the school...

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill...



So I sent him a “Get 'Well' Soon” card.

There's a fine line between sober and high.

And I just snorted it.

If they repeat high school

aren't they a refresh man.

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

Never high five jake Paul

He leaves Asians hanging.

Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees.

I hate boy bands.

I told someone in public they drew their eyebrows on too high today

He looked at me, with a surprised look on his face.

Why did the Dragonborn go to high hrothgar?

To see what all the fus was about.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

What's the worst part of high school if you're a girl?

First period.

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Mummy, how was I born?

10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to g...

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

My friend told me you can't interchangeably use the words high and tall, so I proved him wrong

"The taller you are, the easier it is to see things."

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

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My high school had a $10 penalty for swearing on campus.

A student was heard saying “shit” in the lunchroom, so he was sent to the principal’s office. When the principal made him pay up, the student gave him a 20 and told him to “keep the fucking change.”

I was astonished my girlfriend managed to draw her eyebrows on at the right height instead of too high for once but when I told her...

She didn't seem surprised.

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high

\- the door is always open

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

I bought a high-powered industrial fan today.

I was blown away by how well it worked.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

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Summers goes to his 20th High school reunion...

He sees and old friend of his. The guy is wearing a 3 cornered hat, he's got a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a black patch over his left eye.

Summers says, "Robey, this is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

Robey says, " Well I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and...

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

I tried to start a hide and seek club in high school

But I couldn’t find the advisor

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Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

Old man Haskins was caught fahv stories high in a burning building...

Waren't no ladder tall enough to rescue im'!


With mah quick thinkin', Ah saved the day!


"Old man Haskins!" I hollers up to 'im "tie this rope 'round yer waist!"


So I throwed the rope up to him, he tied it tight 'round his waist, and I pulled him down!

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high.

At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.

The first joke comes and the blonde is stoi...

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What is the difference between a coworker in the stables and someone who has sex while high?

One is a fellow mucker...

What do you call a mathematician on the high seas?

A πrate

There was a kidnapping in the local high school.

Luckily a teacher woke him up.

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A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

Roses are red, and ready for plucking. Girls out of high school, are you ready for...

College

How do you know that you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What is the difference between a porcupine and high school?

On the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

It’s a good idea to give high IQ people handjobs.

Some would say it’s a stroke of genius.

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

What's the only class in high school with makeup exams?

Cosmetology.

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I recently told a girl-friend of mine I had been having orgies with a few guys we used to know in high school.

Her: Really? Who?
Me: Mike Jensen, Pete Morris and Dick Gosinya
Her: I know two of those guys, but who's Dick Gosinya?
Me: Usually all of them, at one point or another.

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

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My wife asked me whether we experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Why can't you see an anti-vaxx kid going high school?

Because they're dead.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

At first I was depressed when they put me in prison for life behind a metre-high wall

But I soon got over it

Why is this ceiling so high?

Oh, probably because it just got roofied

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

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High School Virgin

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

How are high school teachers similar to anti-vaxx mothers?

They have to say goodbye to their kids after only 4 years.

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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

I had high expectations for UPS...

...and oh boy did they deliver.

A bartender who hanged dry aged steak made a bet with me.

He said to me “if you can jump up remove the hanged steaks, you can keep the whole thing. If you cannot jump high enough to take them, you pay for everyone’s drinks inside this bar.”

I turned it down, because the steaks were too high.

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My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

Did you know the average gazelle can jump higher than a two story house?

This is due to the animal’s extremely powerful hind legs and the fact that a house can’t jump.

I saw two high school boys go into a bathroom stall together

before juuling, that would have meant something entirely different

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has al...

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
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A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.



“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.



“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”



“Go...

A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion

She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks: “do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since....

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors...

I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home

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[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

In the 70's my friend was a high class call girl

Her 'pimp' was movie star Michael Caine, he got her the highest profile jobs in the industry and she got to 'work' with a lot of famous people.

This particular time she was at the Isle of Wight music festival and had to go and 'service' some musicians, well she gets back stage and there they...

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Back in high school, I was really bad in science. (OC)

I even failed sexual chemistry.

What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

How did the fish get high?

He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

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