I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

Why did the Dragonborn go to high hrothgar?

To see what all the fus was about.

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!

​

(*forgive me*)

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

My landlord wanted to talk to me about my high heating bill...

I said, "come on by, my door is always open."

(thanks to u/porichoygupto)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me whether we experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Why can't you see an anti-vaxx kid going high school?

Because they're dead.

How are high school teachers similar to anti-vaxx mothers?

They have to say goodbye to their kids after only 4 years.

Why does Logan Paul never high five Ricegum?

He always leaves asians hanging.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensi...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

What is the difference between a porcupine and high school?

On the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.

I had high expectations for UPS...

...and oh boy did they deliver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has al...

Did you know the average gazelle can jump higher than a two story house?

This is due to the animal’s extremely powerful hind legs and the fact that a house can’t jump.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I saw two high school boys go into a bathroom stall together

before juuling, that would have meant something entirely different

On a high school English test, one question directed to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

I wrote in, You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.

​

“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.

​

“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober si...

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

Joke I heard from a 15 year old in high school. (He has some learning disabilities and was completely serious about this joke being funny)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Cheese-it.

Cheese-it who?

Cheese outta here!

He then proceeds to giggle.

One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors...

I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

High Standards

An Asian kid got into a car accident.

He lost some blood and the Doctors said the needed to act fast in order to keep him alive

They didnt have time to test his blood type so they asked the boys parents and the parents answered.

The boy died shortly after the transfusion, and t...

High School Virgin

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in high school, I was really bad in science. (OC)

I even failed sexual chemistry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

While high on LSD a talking tree told me to overthrow the government.

I said “I can’t”

“That would be treeson”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "How was I born?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and s...

How did the fish get high?

He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

I bought some high tech goggles...

I bought some high tech goggles the other day that help you see in the dark.

As soon as I put them on, everyone went green with NV.

I was a very chilled back person in high school.

I would wear headphones around my neck and a fedora because I thought it made me look cool

Turns out it didn't and my friend told me that he only ate lunch with me because he feared that I would become one of those school shooter kids and he wanted to live.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion

She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks: “do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since....

I showed a high effort meme I made the other day to my father.

He responded with "High effort, I'm dad!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men start talking at a high school reunion.

“It’s been a long time, what have you been up to?”

“I’m a business man now, I run a very successful company”

“Ah, I can see that by the briefcase and suit”

“What do you do?”

“Oh, arrr, I’m a pirate.”

“Ah, I see that by your peg leg, hook and eye patch. How did you ...

The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him.

In the end we split the deferens.

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

I thought I was buying a super awesomely high-powered jock itch cream.

but apparently the "AF" stands for "antifungal."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me today "Look! I've had this since high school and it still fits perfectly!"

Me: "Yeah, it's a fucking scarf."

A doctor is walking in the corridor of the hospital when he hears a high pitched scream

He shouts,"I SAID TAKE OFF HIS SPECTACLES"

What do you call Aladdin when he has high ping?

Alaggin

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

I was driving down the road when I passed a strip club that advertised it had "high caliber women".

To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.

I've never had a high opinion of mules.

Theyre just half-assed horses

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do yoy call having sex with two woman while one of them is high on weed?

Two birds with one stoned.

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

What does the Big Bad Wolf do to get high?

He huffs and he puffs.

Cop: “Sir, how high are you?”

“5’11.”

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

John, a high school student, wants to join an afterschool club.

He looks through the catalog and decides on Yearbook. One day after school, he walks through the halls but realizes he doesn't know which room is Yearbook.

Finally, after looking around for 10 minutes, he gives up. He sees a room which has people editing photos inside. Thinking it must be Ye...

Why don't farts graduate high school?

Because they always get expelled.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

A boy in high school asks a girl to the prom

Amazingly, she says yes so he has to get everything ready. He goes to the tailor so he can get a suit. Unfortunately, he had to wait quite some time, as there were other people getting ready for their proms. But eventually, he gets his suit.

He then went to the florist. But due to some not th...

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

The High Monkey

A monkey was sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. Then, a lizard walks by and says: "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey replies: "Smoking a joint, come join me!"

So, the lizard sits next to the monkey and smokes a joint. After a while the lizard says: "My mouth is dry, I'm going to get a dr...

Some high schoolers are on the playground.

A new kid walks up. They say ”whats your name?” He says “God.” They say "NO way!!!” He says “Yahweh”

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

What happens when a high frequency wave hits you?

It hertz.