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Middle Age Jokes

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, sen...

Back in the middle ages...

...each monastery had a profession, something the monks made that was sold to support the monastery.

As it happened, a man living in London heard about a monastery that made the very best fish and chips. This monastery was in the far north of England, near Leeds. It being the middle ages, t...

Middle age

It's a stage in life in which an average Italian, Spaniard, Balkan person or Eastern European (and nowadays more and more frequently a westerner too), stops living with their parents, and their parents start instead living with them (often without changing actual location).

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

A Middle Aged Man Down on His Luck Finds an Old Lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold."

"I'd like $10 million," says the man. "Okay," the Genie replies, "but just know your wife will receive $100 million." "Yes, I know," the man says. "Fo...

What are the problems of a middle aged man?

Life sucks, job sucks, and wife does not

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of knights.

What do bosses who pay their employees minimum wage and middle aged men who date eighteen year olds have in common with each other?

Both would go for lower if it were legal.

Why did life as a professional combatant in the middle ages suck?

Because you had knight shift every day.

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The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.

The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike.

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, ...

The Middle Aged Magician

There's this middle aged magician in Vegas who has this really big show he's nervous for. He hits it off with one of the showgirls and she says she come by before the show to help ease his nerves. So he prepares by taking his magic blue pill. Unfortunately, she never shows up and it's time for him t...

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times...

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

You know you’ve reached middle age when

you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.

Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

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An old man and a middle aged man were sitting at a bar.

They had had a few drinks, then the old man turned to the younger guy and said "I f*cked your mom last night." The middle aged man just let it go, and ignored the old man.

A few minutes later the old man turns to the other guy again, and says "I rammed my cock down your moms throat last ni...

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

What is it called when a middle aged woman puts a hold on her online transaction?

Venmopause

Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read?

He was 2.

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius

_______________________________

(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Knights for dayz

(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

Did you know Norway is middle aged?

It’s fjordy.

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

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A middle aged couple are golfing when

The man hits his ball far off the green and it smashes through the window of a small shack just by the side of the course. Figuring they need to apologise and pay, the couple go to the shack.

When they knock on the door, and elderly man comes out and starts thanking them profusely, pointing t...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

How did they execute cheapskates in the middle ages?

They had them sketched and nickled

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

What did they call click bait in the Middle Ages?

Nothing the internet wasn't invented until like the 1970s.

Why don’t unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?

Cause they’ll never experience them.

My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

A middle aged man talked to his dad.

Middle aged man: Wow, you're so sweet to mom, you have been married for 55 years, and still manage to call your her 'sweetheart', what is your secret to your relationship, dad?

Dad: Ah, its simple, it is because I have forgotten her name.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...

... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.

Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, br...

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis

40-love

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday.

"I come here every Friday to get scrod!"

"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

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In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot.

The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the woman was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman...

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A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

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A middle aged woman was looking at herself in the mirror...

... And she kept talking to herself about her appearance.

- Look at your saggy boobs, I mean they used to be so perky and full and now look at these empty skin socks.

- Wow, the years have not been kind to your butt, you could have bounced a quarter off of my apple shaped bottom and lo...

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A middle aged woman goes to a plastic surgeon....

And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts."

The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basi...

As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000....

He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great", he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and ...

I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".

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A middle age guy is walking inside the forest. He saw an old lady on his way....

The old lady told him, "hey there young man, I am a princess from far, far, away land but I've been cursed and the only cure is if someone is going to have sex with me for an hour, no breaks. I will make you my prince once I got back my identity and we will live happily ever after ". The guy was hes...

A middle aged couple had gotten their tax return . . .

and they were arguing over how to spend it. The husband wanted to spend it on a new set of golf clubs, while the wife insisted they use it to buy a new dishwasher. Seeing they were getting nowhere, the husband suggested, "All right, let's make a bet. Whoever has the hairiest chest gets the money...

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...

Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?

Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

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A pope in the middle ages is trying to kick the Jews out of Rome...

And the Jewish population is able to convince him to hear out their side first before making them leave. The pope agrees, but the only Jewish man who thinks himself to be a good enough debater is the rabbi, Moishe. But since Moishe only speaks Hebrew and the Pope only Latin and Italian, they agree t...

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.

I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

If the oldest guy at a frat party buys the most beer, and the youngest guy at a frat party drinks the most beer, what does the middle aged guy at a frat party do?

Buys the most beer.

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

A middle aged frumpy married couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy busty blonde...

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price, " said the man, "I just heard you close the deal for $65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on the model."

"Well, she had the ready cash, and just look at her, how co...

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