UPJOKE
fingerhandwristforefingeranklepinkyleafflipflickriffleriffhitchmedian nervehitchhikepollex

Thumb Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.


This will end in defeet.

What's got two thumbs and a poor grasp of visual comedy?

This guy!

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a cock on it.

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

(*LONG*) A 6 year old girl wouldn’t stop sucking her thumb, much to the chagrin of her mother.

After trying everything she could think of, the mother, in a moment of exasperation, finally told her: “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, you’re going to blow up like a balloon!!”

Somehow this scared her daughter enough that she stopped sucking her thumb.

Several weeks later, they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

I'm worried about my deaf friend who glued his forefinger to his thumb.

But he says he's A-OK.

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and just got fucked?

My weird, deformed hand

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

I always think my thumb is on the left side.

On the other hand, it might be on the right

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waiter's thumb

One day John goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter gets it and keeps it on the table. John notices that the waiter had put his thumb in the coffee on the way to his table. He gets irritated and asks the waiter.

Waiter explains, "I have a skin infection on the finger so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

I was at a steak house...

...when the waiter brought me my steak, holding it to the plate with his thumb.

I said, "Are you crazy? What's with your thumb on my steak?"

"Sorry," answered the waiter, "but I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

What do you call a judge without any thumbs ?

Justice fingers.

Guess who has two thumbs...

And a box of other miscellaneous body parts? This guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I went for a prostate exam.

I got thumbs up.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

What blood type was the fat-thumbed stenographer?

Typo

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

Thumb is better than sign ...Father replied........

Son: Dad why did you put your thumb impression on my Result Card instead of Sign?
.
Father: I don't want to surprise your teacher to think that anyone with your marks can have father who can read and right

A blue-collar worker is in a bar. He holds up his thumb and pinky and says.....

.... five beers for the boys from the sawmill.

What did finger say to the thumb?

I'm in glove with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.