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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

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What has two thumbs and can type with its dick?

Tgis guy!

I hurt my thumb today!

But on the other hand I'm ok

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

A man is driving down a road when he sees a wandering man with his thumb out

Being the nice person he was, he pulled over and let the man in.

“Aww, thank you! I’ve been out there for about 2 hours just with my suitcase!”

They got to talking, and eventually the man got to his stop.

“Thank you, and I never told you what was in my suitcase. Come on out of y...

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that ...

I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

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The other day I was in a restaurant having dinner with my Wife..

I had ordered soup for an appetizer, and when the waitress brought the soup out, she had her thumb in it. I thought well this is weird.

Ordered the Alfredo Chicken and when that lady brought out my entree, her thumb was in it again!

Getting a little frustrated, my wife was able to co...

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

What is the point of thumbs?

I could never quite grasp it....

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

What did finger say to the thumb?

I'm in glove with you.

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

My brother wanted me to go over the thumb rules of escaping a mass shooting..

- Clear out a particular chunk of the crowd,
- Shoot yourself in the foot
- Drop the gun and mix with the crowd.

NSFW Rule of thumb in the bedroom

If she clenches, take it out.

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

Thumb is better than sign ...Father replied........

Son: Dad why did you put your thumb impression on my Result Card instead of Sign?
.
Father: I don't want to surprise your teacher to think that anyone with your marks can have father who can read and right

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

What's got 2 thumbs and is worse than Donald Trump?

No, seriously. I'm asking.

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

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I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

A woman playing golf......

......hit a man nearby.

The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.

The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands i...

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What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

Jumping from the bridge...

Bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby....

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
...

A man asks the waiter: "Why do you have your thumb on my steak?"

"So I don't drop it again, Sir."

So I was in bed with this woman and she said, "Not in the ass."

I said, "Hey, it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room."

— Garry Shandling

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

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Thumb sucking

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

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The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

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The Misdirected Shot

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

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