This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has two thumbs and can type with its dick?

Tgis guy!

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

A man is driving down a road when he sees a wandering man with his thumb out

Being the nice person he was, he pulled over and let the man in.

“Aww, thank you! I’ve been out there for about 2 hours just with my suitcase!”

They got to talking, and eventually the man got to his stop.

“Thank you, and I never told you what was in my suitcase. Come on out of y...

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that ...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day I was in a restaurant having dinner with my Wife..

I had ordered soup for an appetizer, and when the waitress brought the soup out, she had her thumb in it. I thought well this is weird.

Ordered the Alfredo Chicken and when that lady brought out my entree, her thumb was in it again!

Getting a little frustrated, my wife was able to co...

I hurt my thumb today!

But on the other hand I'm ok

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

NSFW Rule of thumb in the bedroom

If she clenches, take it out.

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

What did finger say to the thumb?

I'm in glove with you.

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

A woman playing golf......

......hit a man nearby.

The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.

The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands i...

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

What's got 2 thumbs and is worse than Donald Trump?

No, seriously. I'm asking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

So I was in bed with this woman and she said, "Not in the ass."

I said, "Hey, it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room."

— Garry Shandling

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?

They both hang out at the Space Bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American and a German were playing "Thumb War"

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war."

"Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate."

"Einz, zwei, drei, so do I."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Thumb sucking

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Misdirected Shot

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will never forget the story of when I bought my first condoms

I was 16 year old at that time and got serious with my GF and we decided to bang for the first time.

So I took a trip to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. In the pharmacy was one really hot blonde pharmacist in her early 20s.

I then proceeded to look at the condoms like I was an exper...

They are going to start taxing hitchhikers.

They are calling it a ThumbTax.

Why is Yoda such a good gardner?

Because he has two green thumbs.
(happy May the 4th)

Once there was a little boy.

Once there was this little boy who woke up in the middle of the night to pee. He walked by his parents room, stopped, and watched for a few minutes. Shortly after, while walking away he muttered: “Geez, and she gets mad when I suck my thumb.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

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