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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

A guy at work cut his thumb off...

My boss was telling me the story and said:

"Yeah I just walked up and he was just sitting calmly outside the shop, I don't know what he was doing outside the shop..."

Me: "Well he sure as hell wasn't hitchhiking"

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

I hurt my thumb today!

But on the other hand I'm ok

A nun stands on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out

A man driving solo in his car decides to pick the nun up, assuming she is hitchhiking. She climbs into the car, and says to the man “John’s convent.” The man agrees, and begins driving to Saint Johns convent, across town.

After a while, the man turns to the nun, and says, “sister, it has al...

Who’s got 2 thumbs and a lisp?

Thith guy.

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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What has two thumbs and can type with its dick?

Tgis guy!

A man is driving down a road when he sees a wandering man with his thumb out

Being the nice person he was, he pulled over and let the man in.

“Aww, thank you! I’ve been out there for about 2 hours just with my suitcase!”

They got to talking, and eventually the man got to his stop.

“Thank you, and I never told you what was in my suitcase. Come on out of y...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Whats the real problem of losing a thumb?

You actually lose the middle finger

I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

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A famous magician and a guy meet in a sauna

Guy: "Are you not \[famous magician\]"

Magician: "Yes I am"

Guy: "Can you show me a trick?"

Magician: "Okay, turn around, I will put my thumb in your butt"

Guy turns around.

Magician: "Do you feel it?"

Guy: "Yes"

Magician holds up his 2 thumbs: "I ha...

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

What blood type was the fat-thumbed stenographer?

Typo

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

Bikers were riding west on when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge.

They stopped and George, the leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit ...

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Old couple getting frisky

Husband says to wife 'Martha, tomorrow will be our 60th wedding anniversary and my 82nd birthday. We haven't had sex since last year! I need some loving, sugar.'

Martha responds, with a sigh 'Well okay, but no thumb up the butt this time.'

Don frustratingly replies 'Dammit! it's my thu...

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[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the fr...

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

What is the point of thumbs?

I could never quite grasp it....

What did finger say to the thumb?

I'm in glove with you.

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My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that ...

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

My brother wanted me to go over the thumb rules of escaping a mass shooting..

- Clear out a particular chunk of the crowd,
- Shoot yourself in the foot
- Drop the gun and mix with the crowd.

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

I’m really happy after my prostate exam...

....My doctor gave me the thumbs up!

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

Thumb is better than sign ...Father replied........

Son: Dad why did you put your thumb impression on my Result Card instead of Sign?
.
Father: I don't want to surprise your teacher to think that anyone with your marks can have father who can read and right

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.....

**'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to**
**get into heaven.'**


**The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.**


**It...

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

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Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed ...

They are going to start taxing hitchhikers.

They are calling it a ThumbTax.

Why is Yoda such a good gardner?

Because he has two green thumbs.
(happy May the 4th)

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I will never forget the story of when I bought my first condoms

I was 16 year old at that time and got serious with my GF and we decided to bang for the first time.

So I took a trip to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. In the pharmacy was one really hot blonde pharmacist in her early 20s.

I then proceeded to look at the condoms like I was an exper...

A good rule of thumb is

It's opposable.

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

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I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

What's got 2 thumbs and is worse than Donald Trump?

No, seriously. I'm asking.

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What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

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As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

A man asks the waiter: "Why do you have your thumb on my steak?"

"So I don't drop it again, Sir."

I went to the worst restaurant last night

The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb.

I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?'

He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again'

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