I dialled a suicide hotline In the middle east

They asked me when I could report for flying lessons

I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

I met a guy from the Middle East after a marathon

I asked him if he walked it.
No, he said, Iran.

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What do you call a homosexual photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms found in the Middle East?

Al-Gay

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

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Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

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You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when...

...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.

I was studying abroad in the Middle East, when a flock of seagulls attacked

Iran so far away.. ‘Couldn’t get away

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

Anyone got any jokes about the Middle East?

I guess Iran out of ideas

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are a...

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

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A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

What’s the most popular Mexican Dish in the Middle East?

An Inshallada

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

I was going to move to the Middle East

Then someone told me what they mean by getting stoned

I’ve heard that civilization first started in the Middle East

I guess easy come easy go

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events.

I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.

Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

What do you call the Ghost of Christmas Middle East?

Lebaneser Scrooge.

What game do kids play in the Middle East?

Jihad and seek!

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

Just in from the Middle East

Media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the
humor in the "Flintstones" but, I know for a fact that
people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East.

They call it "The Sims".

A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axe—let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and...

BREAKING NEWS: Just in from a correspondent in the Middle East.

ISIS to buy all Samsung Galaxy Note 7. #note7

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy,

And Hussein.

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

Roll call in the Middle East

Teacher: Asghar?

Asghar: Here!

Teacher:Hassan?

Hassan: Present!

Teacher: Rahal?

Rahal: A present, count to four!

Teacher: Don't you mean 'present and accounted for'?

Rahal: No. Count to two.

Teacher: What do you- BOOM!

A friend was talking to me about investing in property in the Middle East

"Dubai?" I asked.

"No, I can't afford it yet", he replied.

My friend said he didn't know there was a war going on in the middle east...

He must have been living under *Iraq*

How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy...

... they have almost one turban per person.

Trump is banning telephone calls to and from the middle east

I can't believe our president created the teleban!

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their trip to the middle east?

"Where's baghdad?"

What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east?

"Women's rights"

*^ba-dum ^ching*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't they teach sex-ed and drivers-Ed on the same day in the Middle East?

Because the camels can't handle it.

The moment USA used drones in middle east

They were spawn killing the terrorists

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unkn...

The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about the optimist and the pessimist

The pessimist says "everything's terrible, it can't get any worse." the optimist says "oh yes it can."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus.

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. On the other end of the bench sits an old man, who is holding the reins of a camel which stands next to him. The journalist, feeling impatient, glances at his watch only to find that it has stopped working. Turning to the old ...

My friend from the middle east was telling me his story about how he left his home country. The story is rather short , all he said was...

Iran away.

Did you hear about the writer who brought peace to the Middle East?

He had a way with Kurds.

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Wow The Middle East Certainly knows how to Commemorate International Women's Day

They let them get stoned.

Have you heard about all the decapitations happening in the Middle East right now?

I certainty won't beheading their anytime soon!

-wink-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man moves to the middle east for a new job...

He notices that the town he is in has no women in it. So he asks a coworker what do people here do when they get horny. The coworker tells him, if that happens, there's a camel out back.

The guy finds that weird, but figures to each his own.

A week later, he's feeling pretty horny, and...

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