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Middle East Jokes

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

Why do you never see a flock of seagulls in the middle east?

Because Iran’s so far away

A professor is called to speak on human rights in the middle east.

A professor is asked to speak in the middle east on the subject of human rights.

He boards his plane and arrives without trouble. He continues his way to the podium he is about to speak on. To his astonishment the room is completely empty with the exception of one man.

Since his subje...

"How was your trip to the Middle East?"

"Great! I visited an ancient temple in Iraq."

"Ziggurat?"

"No thanks, I'm trying to quit."

What do you call a rapper from the middle east?

Muslim Shady

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

What do junkies and adulterers in the Middle East have in common?

They both get stoned.

What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?

Because there are targets on every single corner.

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?

They prayed for more gas.

What did Alanis Morissette say when she visited the Middle East?

Isn’t it Iranic?

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

How do they make honey in the Middle East?

From a shawarma bees

A newlywed couple goes on a honeymoon to the Middle East.

While there they got into a huge argument about the best mode of transportation; unicycle versus bicycles. The argument was so large they decided to divorce.
Cause of divorce:
Iraq and cyclable differences

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

I'm going to music school in the middle east...

I want to learn Qatar

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

Eminem is moving to the middle east to form his own country.

It'll be called Irap.

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What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East?

Gaza Strippers

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East

TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.
So far there has been mixed reviews.
People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.

"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?"

"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

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A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

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What do you call a homosexual photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms found in the Middle East?

Al-Gay

A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axe—let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and...

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

Roll call in the Middle East

Teacher: Asghar?

Asghar: Here!

Teacher:Hassan?

Hassan: Present!

Teacher: Rahal?

Rahal: A present, count to four!

Teacher: Don't you mean 'present and accounted for'?

Rahal: No. Count to two.

Teacher: What do you- BOOM!

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

What game do kids play in the Middle East?

Jihad and seek!

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other?

They Dubai

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

The moment USA used drones in middle east

They were spawn killing the terrorists

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East.

They call it "The Sims".

I called a suicide line in the Middle East

To which they answered "Recruiters! How can I help you?"

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

A rule of thumb for finding naked women in the Middle East:

Sikh, and you won't find.

Anyone who thought Trump was gonna pull the US out of the middle east is an idiot.

I mean if he was any good at pulling out, he probably wouldn't have 5 kids.

I’ve heard that civilization first started in the Middle East

I guess easy come easy go

I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy...

... they have almost one turban per person.

Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf

Just Kuwait and sea

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

George went on a vacation to the Middle East...

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to se...

Trump is banning telephone calls to and from the middle east

I can't believe our president created the teleban!

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

A friend was talking to me about investing in property in the Middle East

"Dubai?" I asked.

"No, I can't afford it yet", he replied.

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about the optimist and the pessimist

The pessimist says "everything's terrible, it can't get any worse." the optimist says "oh yes it can."

2000 years ago somewhere in the Middle East

'I do not care who your father is. When I am out here fishing you do not walk on the water...'

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genie and the wish

A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce ...

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

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You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when...

...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.

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