Why did the Penguin get away with robbing the Gotham City Central Bank?

Because Batman doesn’t go downtown.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camero...

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a ...

"Galactic Central, this is Captain Zod reporting in"

"*Captain Zod, this is Galactic Central. Please make your report.*"

"Galactic Central, we successfully reached Planet Earth and have completed our survey."

"*Captain Zod, understood. What did you find*?"

"Galactic Central, we found a large number of orbital nuclear weapons aroun...

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

My friend from central Europe is a sound technician

And a czech one too

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

What do you call a friend you make while playing chess in central Europe?

A Czech mate.

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

I would like to call out Dr. Goldstein and Central hospital; thanks to them, I’m walking again.

I had to sell my car to pay their bill.

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His stautue in central London is 15 feet tall.

Thats Horatio of 3:1

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

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What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued?

What the fuck are Yuan?

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

A man is walking in Central park in New York....

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: - "You are a hero, tomo...

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

Turns Out, I'm Not Allowed to Have an OnlyFans Account.

I have a central heating & air system.

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

China is already welcoming Biden

China is already welcoming Biden.

They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.

"FOR BIDEN CITY!"

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

What’s the difference between Euros and BTC?

The European Central Bank sure doesn’t know, maybe they can ask Elon.

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...

''Where the Fakawi?''

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

What happened when the Borg’s central computer was destroyed?

They lost their collective minds

What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,

The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.

"No, he didn't even speak English!"

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

Tour guides in Central America are in great shortage

It's not as bad as some will lead you to Belize.

I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.

It was a Big Sur prize.

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What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm...

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park.

One was a salted.

What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news?

A topical climate.

Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.

He's my Czech mate

What do you call an ex-comedy-central comedian's favorite organ? (x-post from /r/dadjokes)

The John O**liver**

There's a new The President show on Comedy Central starting the 27th about Donald Trump

We can just watch Fox News until then.

The Death Of Beethoven

When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.

After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.

After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it b...

There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy... (x-post /r/dadjokes)

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this sm...

TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

What do you do if you are driving your car in central Manhattan and you see a space man?

Park in it, of course.

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

An Anecdote from Central Asia

Nasreddin Hodja, a man known for his sharp wit [and constant trolling of everyone around him], had borrowed a cauldron from his neighbor. When he didn't return it for a long time, the neighbor came knocking on the door.

"Hodja Effendi, if you are finished with the cauldron could I take it bac...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Two cops are called to a building.

-Central, we have a homicide here, a man was killed by his wife after he walked on the recently mopped floor

-Have you made an arrest?

-No! the floor's still wet!

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State Trooper pulls a car over

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

 

The tr...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

During a recent fishing competition in England the fish were so scarce...

...that the prize was given to the competitor who caught the biggest cold.

---

Bonus joke from Henny Youngman:

A man says to another man, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll mug you right here.’

An engineer is standing outside of the Pearly Gates...

An engineer is standing outside of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells him "sorry, your in the wrong place."

The engineer instantly finds himself in Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer gets to work on improvements.

One day, God calls Satan to see how thi...

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.

So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central a...

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Labial Nip and Tuck

A woman plans a labial nip and tuck surgery to reduce the size of her labia.

The surgery goes perfectly, and when she awakes after her surgery, she sees two large vases of beautiful flowers in her room.

She looks at the card from the first set of flowers. It reads:

“Dear Gina,...

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A panda walks into a bar

He sits at the bar, and orders some food. The food comes, and he eats. Once he's done, he jumps up, pulls out 2 pistols, and shoots wildly around the bar. He then turns to leave.

The bartender says "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"

The panda says "I'm a panda, look it up!"
...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

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