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Messages Jokes

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

I got a lot of "Happy Father's Day, Daddy" messages yesrerday...

I'm starting to think I spend way too much money on OnlyFans...

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code!

How does the foot send messages to the brain?

TOELAPHONE

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”

Whether Tom Hanks signs his thank you messages "T.Hanks" won't matter...

People won't open his emails anymore because it might be a virus

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I like sending SMS messages to my friends in both English & Spanish.

I guess that makes me bi-textual.

I realized I spend most of my office life reading and responding to messages...

It made me Slack-jawed.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn’t believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

Texting messages on the cell phone at 12 midnight ...

- How are you baby?
- I am in bed and thinking about you … And you my dear?
- I am at a club … And sitting right behind you!!

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if linking my Gmail messages to my Microsoft email client would be a good idea.

"Outlook not so good"

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a rumor that if you play a Nickleback album backwards it plays satanic messages. But that's nothing....

... if you play it forwards it plays a Nickleback album.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again.

He had a lot of remorse about that.

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

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